Jackie Harris quotes from Roseanne

Jackie

He walked in here and he gave me an ultimatum. He told me to quit the force.

Roseanne

Well, so what? I've been telling you to quit the force since the day you started!

Jackie

Yeah, and I've been trying to break up with you, but you won't seem to go away!

Roseanne

She's probably up there right now working on Plan B.

Jackie

Maybe it's a really dumb story, like, "Judy's parents are Amish and don't have a phone."

Roseanne

I was only eleven!

Jackie

(talking about men) Why do they do that?

Roseanne

I don't know. We're talking about the only animal on Earth that would wear black socks with bermuda shorts.

Jackie

Are you sure?

Dan

Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years: every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.

Crystal

I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly pleasant today.

Dan

And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly pleasant"?

I'm gonna be at the mall.

Darlene

I've got basketball practice.

Crystal

Me too.

Jackie

Wait! No, you can't leave!

Dan

Jackie, Jackie, I'm warning you! If you don't let go of me, I'm fully prepared to gnaw my own arm off.

Jackie

Kids, I want you to remember this: PMS is serious stuff. It causes depression, anxiety...physical pain.

Dan

And it's rough on your mother, too.

Jackie

So Happy Birthday, Dan!

Jackie

Make a wish, Dan!

Dan

[to himself] YES! I got my wish!

Jackie

Say, guys, um... your son just gave Gilligan the finger.

Roseanne

Dan...

Dan

Well, he's the reason they're still stuck on that island!

Roseanne

(sternly) Dan!

Dan

Alright, Alright. DJ! Get in here, little buddy!

Roseanne

BECKY!!!

DJ

Yeah?

Dan

Have a seat, okay? Let's see, uh, how can I explain this? Ah! Ok, this is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors, and see the big guy in the third row? Just don't ever stick him up in the air at anybody.

D.J.

But Mom did it when she was driving!

Roseanne

Well, the idiot cuts me off!

Jackie

You're kidding? You guys have a night?

Roseanne

Yes, we have a night. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.

Jackie

You have a time too?

Roseanne

Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.

Jackie

Well, you should make him wait half an hour after he eats.

Jackie

Bring on the fudge and Kevin Costner's butt. I'm ready to sink my teeth into both of them.

Roseanne

How ya doin' sis?

Bev

[yells from the bathroom] Roseanne, are these towels clean?

Jackie

[realizing Roseanne tricked her] You are just EVIL!

Jackie

(Talking to Roseanne) What if he hits on me?

Roseanne

Oh Jackie, he's annoying, not desperate!

Jackie

Maybe she was a little uptight.

Roseanne

A little uptight? Hey, man you couldn't drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor.

Jackie

We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.

Darlene

Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.

Roseanne

[to Crystal] You still want her to babysit?

Roseanne

What are people gonna say, Jackie? [about Becky using birth control]

Jackie

Who's gonna know?

Roseanne

She's gonna tell all her friends, and then her friends will tell their moms, [mimicking a whiny teenager] "Mrs. Conner lets Becky have sex!"

Roseanne

[after Jackie confesses to sleeping with Arnie] What the hell were you thinking?!

Jackie

I was thinking that I just lost a great guy like Gary and now he's gone for good, and I'll never find another great guy. I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arm and pelican neck, and all my houseplants are dead, and no one loves me, but what difference does that make anyway because everything in my life sucks!

Roseanne

Well, that's still no excuse.