Leon Carp quotes from Roseanne

Leon

(looking in Roseanne's fridge) Well, well, well, a gallon of mayo, a gallon of pickle chips, and, yes, it looks like a tub of Rodbell's famous coleslaw. Just like in my own refrigerator at home.

Leon

[scolding Roseanne after her outburst above] This is a luncheonette, not the Betty Ford Clinic. Be psychotic on your own time.

Leon

Stole you're mother's boyfriend, huh? Been there.

Leon

Roseanne, did it ever occur to you for just even one moment to stay out of this?!

Roseanne

Yeah, but by then it was way too late.

Leon

(reading from the suggestion box) Suggestion number one, the meat is a little dry. I would agree with that. Suggestion number two, make that uptight blond guy stop hovering over us while we're trying to... (realizing the customers are referring to him) eat.

Roseanne

I would agree with that. Now let's see...(shuffling around the papers of suggestions and picks out one) Suggestion number three, lose the waiter guy, he reminds me of my mother.

Leon

Well aren't we clever, Roseanne? Stuffing the suggestion box. This is your suggestion, isn't it.

Guess again.

Leon

Well... luckily I don't value the opinion of anyone who would choose to eat here. (walks off in a huff)

Roseanne

(once Leon is out of earshot) Okay, a deal's a deal. (sets a plate down in front of the Customer) Free pie.

Jackie

Fred is so nervous about waking the baby up that he is beginning to... gloss over some vital areas.

Leon

Oh my God, are you talking about... ?

Roseanne

You mean, he gets in the elevator, but... he won't go down?

Leon

[disgusted] If I wasn't gay before, I would be now.

Roseanne

Well, if you weren't gay before, then a whole bunch of guys owe you a big apology.

We were supposed to get married five years ago, but I was left at the altar.

Roseanne

What kind of a horrible bitch would dump you?

Leon

Scott!

Hi, Honey!

Leon

Roseanne, what is all this?

Roseanne

It's a gay wedding!

Leon

This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacal ball of wrong!

Leon

What if I'm not even gay?

Roseanne

You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.

Leon

Think about it--I hate to shop, I'm positively insensitive, I detest Barbra Streisand, and, for God's sake, I'm a Republican!

Roseanne

But do you like having sex with men?

Leon

Well...

Roseanne

GAY!!!!!!!!!

Leon

Oh, yeah? (He plants a huge kiss on her) Okay... I'm gay, let's go.

Dan

I've been hearing a lot lately about how white men are to blame for everything, about how we have all the advantages, how we get all the breaks. But look at me and Bob, we ain't living in no mansions. We had to struggle for everything we got.

Leon

You struggled for this (waves hand referring to the Conner house).