If you knew how to run a business he'd still have a job and he wouldn't be leaving. [breaking down in tears] Now I don't have Mark, I don't have college, I don't have anything! You blew it, Dad! You blew it for everyone in this family!!!
What happened was that 400 people showed up for six jobs. So I'm standing there for three hours drinking coffee just so some punk kid can ask me if I have any special skills; I told him, "yeah, bladder control."
Look, you're just ticked off at me 'cause you think I made Becky marry me. Well, let me tell you somethin'. Becky doesn't do a damn thing she doesn't want to.
Roseanne
Okay, that's fair enough, she got married 'cause she wanted to. Well, she also wants to finish high school. And if she doesn't, I'm gonna know that that's because of you. And she also wants to go to college. And if she doesn't do that, then I'm gonna know that that's because of you.
Hey, I'm gonna take care of her, okay? So just back off.
Roseanne
Foolish boy. Oh-ho, you know nothing of my powers, do you? See, I'm not just some royal pain in your butt anymore. I'm your mother-in-law. You think I've made your life difficult so far? Well now I'm family, and you've seen the way I treat my family.
Hi, guys. Oh, you guys are not going to believe the time I had at that singles dance last night. [The family watches as she puts bread in the toaster...] I haven't even been home yet. Not that I met anybody or anything, [...puts milk in the blender...] but Nancy and I had a few, so I just decided to crash at her place for a while, you know, just for the night. [...takes food out of the freezer] You ought to turn the freezer up. It's getting kind of warm in there. Anyway...
Roseanne
Jackie, let me make you some breakfast, okay, because...
Roseanne, I'm right in the middle of a story here, okay? [She puts the food in the microwave] Anyway, the second we walk in the door, Nancy starts throwing herself at any jerk who's wearing Old Spice, [...goes to the phone to make a call...] which leaves me completely alone, having to fight off this whole parade of losers. [...takes chocolate mix from the pantry to the blender] This one guy actually said, "you're under arrest for stealing my heart." It was priceless! Pathetic! I just want to... see if any of 'em called. Hey, there's a message from you on here, Roseanne. What do you need candles and flashlights for? [She tries turning on the blender, and realizes the electricity is out] Oh.
Roseanne
Well, we don't have any lights, but now we know the speed of Stupid.
I don't believe this! You guys are both treating me like I'm Becky! I'm not Becky! I don't go to the mall like Becky, I don't do great laundry like Becky, I don't love school like Becky, and I don't sleep with my boyfriend like Becky!
What I'm getting at, Mother, is I'm stuck here, so I'm paying for how SHE screwed up! If you guys have a problem, you deal with Becky. Leave me out of it. [storms out, slamming the door]
Roseanne
Remember how excited we were when she first learned to talk?
Darlene, come on in here and meet your Aunt Jackie's new boyfriend. [taking Darlene aside] Now, she's really sensitive about the age thing, see, so we're all on our best behavior.
Well, it's amazing. Becky's car seems to be running fine now. [hand Darlene an envelope] And here. I think this ought to be enough here to buy you and your fellow creatures of the night dinner and a movie. They're waiting for you at the Pizza King.
There's a huge difference, Jackie. "I don't want to do it" means you can go ahead and do it yourself, but "I can't do it" means you can't do it either!
That's stupid, that's not really true. [bites into a piece of candy] See? I'm okay.
Young Roseanne
Oh, I guess you're right. [bites into a piece of an apple and pretends to bleed out of her mouth, prompting Jackie to scream and run. Young Roseanne laughs and the candy to herself]
ARAdult Roseanne
[with Ghost of Halloween Past] You know what the best part was? I used to sell that candy back to her later.
Roseanne · 578 quotes
Roseanne
