Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

Where in the hell have you been?

Darlene

Trying to get home. That skankwoman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert. I finally had to wave down a cab.

Dan

I don't care what your story is. The rule is, you call.

Darlene

It was a bad neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth, I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.

Roseanne

Molly, Molly, Molly. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.

Molly

Well, why are you raggin' on me?

Roseanne

'Cause that's what I do. I did it with Becky, I do it with Darlene, but doin' it with you is even more fun 'cause I can yell at you all I want and I don't have to buy you a car.

Molly

I don't have to listen to this!

Roseanne

Oh, but I think you do. Now, you want to screw up your life, I don't care. But when you leave this house with a Conner kid, you're going to be extra careful, because Darlene is one of the few things we own outright.

(cheering DJ as he leaves the penalty box) D.J., D.J., D.J., D.J.... (Unseen hard hit) Oooohhh!!!

Where does a kid get that kind of hostility?

Roseanne

Well Dan, I guess you're just so damn proud of your kid out there, ramming people and smashing into them that you just had to celebrate by giving him his very first sip of beer!

Dan

I had to. The hooker made him nervous.

Jackie

Come on, you gave me my first sip of beer.

Roseanne

That was different. I was drunk.

Jackie

(after telling Roseanne that she won't be going to her house for Christmas) I'm sorry, but Fisher and I are a new couple and we're just trying to develop some us time.

Roseanne

Oh GOD, that's totally gross! That is your therapist talking!

Jackie

No, it couldn't be because I stopped going to my therapist.

Roseanne

Why? You can't be cured.

Jackie

Fisher says I don't need it anymore. He says I'm able to make my own decisions.

Roseanne

Hey, I'll be the one that tells you when you're able to make your own decisions.

Roseanne

I don't care Darlene, there's no adult there, I want you to go home right now.

Darlene

Come on mom, you know I vowed to never use my teleportation powers for personal gain.

Roseanne

So, uh, what time did Nancy and Marla leave?

Dan

About an hour ago. After their sixth encounter under the mistletoe.

Roseanne

Well, you know what they say, Dan, every time lesbians kiss another angel gets her wings.

Jackie

What kind of obscene material could D.J. have?

Roseanne

Oh, I don't know, probably one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.

Roseanne

Well, Dan, my day dealing with the family was an ice cream cone in the dirt, how was yours?

Dan

Well, honey, I hate to top you, but I got a 2-for-1. That obscene reading material D.J. brought to school? Darlene's the editor-in-chief. Take a look at this, it's really sick.

Roseanne

There was a funny part.

Dan

I'm serious, Rosie. What if Darlene's disturbed, more than we thought?

Roseanne

Oh, Dan, have you seen some of the comic books she buys lately? They're way more screwed up than that. Warped and depressing's what's cool now.

Dan

Really?

Roseanne

Yeah. Finally Darlene's personality pays off.

Dan

Hey, we had underground comics, but it wasn't like this crap Darlene's doing. Ours were about depraved sex and massive drug abuse. This is a cry for help.

Roseanne

Well, who knows what they're about? Who even wants to? The longer we don't know what's in Darlene's head, the longer we don't sleep in shifts.

Darlene

What happened to Aunt Jackie?

Roseanne

Some say environment, but I think she was born that way.

Darlene

No, I mean was she, like, in an accident or something?

Roseanne

No, why?

Darlene

Well I saw her upstairs and her back's all bruised up.

Roseanne

She didn't tell me nothing about it.

Roseanne

You come over here, your back's all bruised up, you won't tell me nothing about it, how do I know that you didn't get raped or mugged or something? Does Fisher know about this?

Jackie

W...why can't you just drop it?

Roseanne

(realizes that it was Fisher) That son of a bitch!

Roseanne

(seeing Dan wrapping an ice pack around his hand) Oh, my God, you didn't kill him (Fisher), and then go buy chicken, did you?

Dan

No, I bought the chicken first.

Roseanne

I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?

Dan

Well, it started out that way.

Roseanne

What'd he say?

Dan

Well, if I remember correctly; "Ouch. Ouch. My head." Something along those lines.

D.J.

Mom! Mom, you have to sign my math test.

Roseanne

Oh...not now, D.J.

D.J.

The teacher said I have to have it by tomorrow!

Roseanne

God, hasn't Darlene taught you how to forge my signature yet?

D.J.

I got a D.

Roseanne

It's okay, Deej, I'm sure you tried your best.

D.J.

Geez, it was only one time, give a break!

Roseanne

You go over to the Tildons' and when I get back, if you want, I'll yell at you.

D.J.

OK!

Roseanne

Now I need you to do me a favor.

Darlene

OK.

Roseanne

OK, we need milk. And on your way, could you swing by the jail and bail out your dad?