Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Darlene

High school's just learning lies and telling lies.

Roseanne

Really, then how come you ain't gettin' any A's?

Jackie

Well, they must have a lot of confidence in you!

 Yeah right, all I have to do is count to ten.

Darlene

Don't wear mittens, it'll slow you down.

Mother!

Roseanne

Well it was funny, Becky.

Roseanne

[in a dream sequence, she looks at herself in the mirror after her surgery, sees her breasts which have been grotesquely enlarged instead of reduced, and screams]

Dan

Great, huh?

Roseanne

They were supposed to make 'em SMALLER!

Dan

This is better!

Roseanne

Oh my GOD! OH MY GOD!!!

Calm down, Mrs. Conner, calm down. I've got your Jell-O right here.

Roseanne

WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT HAPPENED?!

You had a breast enlargement.

Dan

And a great one!

Roseanne

I was supposed to have a REDUCTION! You made a mistake!

That's not true, Mrs. Conner. See, here's your release form, right there, there's your signature.

Roseanne

But my doctor told me what he was gonna do! Where is he? I wanna see my doctor! I wanna see him NOW!!!

Right away. [opens the door, calling as she leaves] Doctor, we need you!

[enters room] Yes? What's wrong, not big enough?

Dan

Hey Rosie, get this! Dean got hurt in football just like I did.

Roseanne

No kidding, you got drunk and fell off the bus too?

Roseanne

[Darlene and David race downstairs when Roseanne and Jackie come in the front door] Hey!

Darlene

What?

Roseanne

What are you doing upstairs with some boy?

Darlene

Well no one was home, so I figured, why not become a woman!

Who was that?

Roseanne

That was my lovely neighbor.

Oh, the ice-pop lady, eh?

Roseanne

Mm-hm, frozen solid with a great big old stick up her butt.

Again, remember, we're here for Jackie. Now who wants to start?

Dan

I guess I'll go first. If you're married to the same woman for nineteen years, isn't that proof enough that you love her?

Roseanne

You know, Arlene, he has some other woman's name tattooed on his arm!

Dan

It's your name!

Roseanne

It's NOT my name-- it's Mrs. Kennedy's name!

Dan

I'm never gonna get this dumb thing off. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life.

Roseanne

Well, now you know what it's like to be married to you.

Jeez, cut it out. I mean, did you forget why we came?

Jackie

Thank you, Becky.

Okay, I wanna talk about me and Mark.

Roseanne

When are you gonna get over him?

Jackie

I can't believe this! I'm paying for this session. You guys aren't here for me at all! You're just here to work out all your own family crap!

Darlene

[weakly] Excuse me. [She's wearing a neck brace] I don't mean to interrupt, but it's time for my medication.

Roseanne

[after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced that thermostat!

Dan

Well, apparently the house is still either too hot or too cold.

Roseanne

Yeah, because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps on having hot and cold flashes.

Dan

You know, I suggested that, but then she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.

Jackie

No!

Dan

Then she started cryin' and there was no way I could kick her back.

Dan

Where's Darlene?

Roseanne

Her and David got into a little tiff, so she's up in her room.

Dan

[referring to David, who's eating dinner with the family] What's he doing here?

Roseanne

Well, I had already invited him and then when she said it was either her or him, I flipped a coin until he won.

D.J.

I'm not getting it anymore.

Roseanne

I know that's Crystal. I've already talked to her fifty times today.

Dan

I'm not home.

Jackie

I'll get it. If it's Crystal, I'll talk to Crystal.

If it's Dean...

Jackie

If it's Dean or Dana, you're not home. I know. [into phone] Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just a second. [to David] David, it's your mom.

David

Tell her I'm in the shower.

Roseanne

[after Jackie hangs up from talking with Bonnie] What'd she say?

Jackie

Well, Crystal just had a baby girl and we missed it because you're an idiot!

Roseanne

She called me an idiot?

Dan

[to Roseanne, who is setting the table] Stop. We're going out to dinner.

Roseanne

No, I don't want to eat with those girls. I just wanna have dinner and go to bed.

Dan

They're not coming. I'm punishing them.

Roseanne

No!

Dan

Yes. And having to eat my chili is just the beginning. We'll decide the rest of their punishment over dinner. Let's go change.

Roseanne

But they hate ME, right?

Dan

Nope, that's the beauty of it, they hate ME.

Roseanne

Oh Dan, that's just great! [hugs him]

Dan

Happy Mother's Day.

Roseanne

[smiles as they leave] Oh man, this is so much better than some ol' robe!

[showing Roseanne the results of her makeover] Well Mrs. Conner, what do you think?

Roseanne

Oh, I'm beautiful! I no longer have to think.

Roseanne

[discussing a meeting she had with D.J.'s teacher] Well, I had to go to school to see his teacher because it seems like he hasn't turned in any of his math homework for the past two weeks.

Dan

I see, and how did he explain this?

Roseanne

Well, he's had a lot of extra responsibility around here since you died.

Dan

Did I suffer?

Roseanne

No. Sniper. Clean shot.

Dan

[reading Arnie's letter after he leaves Nancy] Who are the Allens, and why are they out of spice?

Roseanne

Aliens, Dan, from outer space.

Dan

Oh, that does make more sense.