Jackie Harris quotes from Roseanne

Jackie

(to Roseanne while Roseanne and Jackie discussing Arnie kissing Roseanne) Well, you know what? You're right. I don't like it when a guy thinks he can come up and handle you like you're a rubber thong in a discount bin.

Jackie

(referring to her bartending talents) Some things you never lose. And some things you lose to the wrong person. (referring to Ziggy)

Jackie

(not wanting to go to Dan's Lodge haunted house, upset after breaking up with Gary) It's no fun have some 60-year-old guy with a pot belly jump out and say "ooga booga." It was scary when I was 8, even scarier now.

Jackie

[on the phone with Bev] Oh hi Mom, this is Jackie. Happy Mother's Day. ... Yeah, yeah, it's a shame you can't say the same to me. ... Uh, so, did you get the slippers? ... Unique good or unique bad? ... ... Mom, don't you think that if I was dating somebody, I would tell you about it just to get you off my back? ... Oh, really. Well, go suck an egg. ... Huh? ... No! I did not! ... No, why would I say something like that? "Suck an egg" - I don't even know what that means! ... I'm telling you, I didn't say that. Must be a bad connection. So, listen Mom, Happy Mother's Day, and I'll tell Roseanne to give you a call when she gets up. ... Uh-huh, okay. [cheerfully] Bite me. [Hangs up]

Jackie

I don't want your opinion! I want someone who'll tell me that it's a good idea to get married, even if it's not. I'm gonna talk to Mom.

Jackie

[on what the hairstylist told them about hereditary baldness] If she's [meaning Bev] bald, that means that WE could go bald! This is her hair! Look at- look at- look at this! [Jackie puts on the wig and begins to imitate Bev] "Oh Roseanne! A woman your size shouldn't wear horizontal stripes, you should wear black! Or stay home! And another thing, dear, I don't mean to alarm you but I think your little D.J. might be retarded!"

Jackie

She's always telling people how to live their lives...

Dan

Yeah, well, that's because she thinks she knows everything.

Roseanne

[from outside] Well, I do!

Dan

It wouldn't be as bad if you didn't come over every weekend.

Jackie

Well, Dan, if you had a job, you wouldn't notice as much.

Jackie

[regarding Dwight] I was down at his hardware store the other day and he was following me around like a puppy. I thought it was cute.

Roseanne

Cute? I'll bet his parents are brother and sister.

Dan

Hey, kiddo, you gonna stick around and mooch dinner from us tonight?

Jackie

No, I have a date.

Dan

Animal, vegetable or mineral?

Jackie

Booker.

Roseanne

Vegetable.

Dan

What's this in my pocket? It could be? It might be? It is ... holy cow, it's a honeymoon! [hands Roseanne a brochure] Why yes, it's paradise.

Jackie

Oh, another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.

Roseanne

Yeah, paradise lost.

Roseanne

Darlene got her period last night.

Jackie

No kidding? She's only 11.

Roseanne

I was 11 when I got my period.

Jackie

Yeah, but you were already wearing a D-cup.

Roseanne

Yeah, two of them.

Jackie

The poor kid's just been sentenced to 45 years of monthly inconvenience.

Roseanne

Gee Jackie, I hope I can find a way to pass that enlightened wisdom on to my daughter.

Jackie

You will, just tell her about all those famous athletic women types, and how they all get their periods too.

Jackie

What about when she brought home pamphlets from the Red Cross?

Roseanne

For two weeks, I thought what I had was a natural disaster.

Jackie

I suppose you're going to point the finger at me.

Roseanne

Yeah, and you know which one.