Red vs Blue quotes

But girls can't be color blind!

Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what?

Yeah! Wait, what?!

Ask him if he likes baseball.

It's an alien baby, Caboose.

Ask him if he likes t-ball.

Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence.

Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.

Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and impregnate them. So let's start with that. You know, common ground.

Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.

Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!

(annoyed) Caboose!

Ohhh, what happened? Where am I? Oh, maybe they know. [walks toward prone figures] But it might be rude to wake them up. I'll just wait here awhile. [pause, starts humming randomly to himself]

We didn't even use a coffin! We just threw a bunch of dirt on him!

No, I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!

You know that trick?

I learned from the best.

Well, as your new commander, you're both going to learn a little discipline. And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps.

You mean after we dig up Sarge.

No,[switches to shotgun] I mean right now, Grif.

What are girly laps?

Simmons, I don't think Sarge is going to like you picking up his shotgun.

[pumps shotgun off screen]

And I really don't think he's going to like you threatening me with it. Well, okay. He might like that part.

As the new leader, what I say goes. So everyone needs to start running right now.

But what about Sarge?

You heard what command said. Sarge is dead. He died of... what'd he die of?

Aspirin overdose.

See, Sarge is dead of... an Aspirin overdose? Really?

I know, I didn't think it was possible! Trust me, I've tried.

Yeah... wait, what?

Simmons, don't be stupid. He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt!

Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps?!

Oh, my God, what's wrong with you? Why didn't you tell us you were a Blue?

Because -

And don't say because nobody asked!

But nobody did ask!

God damn it.

So what if she is a blue? We'll still keep her.

We can't do that! She's on the other team, she'll kill us in our sleep if we keep her!

Do I get to do that? 'Cause that would be awesome!

No she wouldn't! Besides, she's color blind! We'll just tell her we're blues!

Uh, hello? We already told her we're red. Idiot.

Yeah? Well she's fucking dumb, too. Hey, we're blue now.

Woo-hoo! Go Blue! Let's win!

See?

Yeah, this is bullshit.

Ask for something else.

Uh, we want something else!

What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!

Got any money?

Fuck you, dude! [turns to his sister] Get going. Call me if you have any problems. And don't go near any reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they won't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family. Think of mom.

Don't do me any favors, bitch.

What else was on the ship?

What do you mean?

Y'know like guns or weapons...

Or snacks! [To Church] Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you want it too.

Nope, just the girl! Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!

That's okay, we can still fuck this one!

Woo-hoo!

God damn it! Never mind, just send her back!

No take backs!

Oh, what the fuck?!

[runs up] Oh my God, Grif, he's gone!

Who's gone?

Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there!

What? Did you dig in the right spot?

Oh, you're right. Maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!

Oh, calm down.

Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Well, at least we still have the blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what are you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?

Uh, nothing. So, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.

Hey, is that your sister over there with the blues? [as Grif slowly leaves] What's she doing over there? Why are they all high fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Wow, they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif? Hey where'd he go?

Dude, I've had about all the cross-species babies I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a junior Caboose running around with a 130 millimeter cannon for a head. Your little devil spawn is enough for me.

Don't talk about my kid like that!

What's your deal?

I don't know, I think I'm kind of getting into this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. [shudders] Ugh!

Yeah, okay. You're a Blue.

Touchdown! Woo-hoo! Go Blue!

No, I mean we're Red, but you're Blue. That means you gotta get out of here before Simmons digs up Sarge.

I love digging. I wanna help!

No, you're leaving.

Where am I going?

The other base.

The Red base?

No, the Blue base.

We have two bases? Awesome!

Move!

Oh, what, the Reds are giving us prisoners now? Dude, that sounds like bullshit, I smell a trap.

Reds aren't that smart.

Okay, normally I would agree with that, but this is the orange one, he's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.

Like you? Shit. Then do I have time to put in my earplugs and hide all our food?

Up yours, dickhead.

I know. I figure Doc's mechanic skills are probably about as bad as his first aid skills. He's either gonna fix her by accident, or make her completely inoperable, and then I can go down there and figure out what's really goin' on. Either way, I win. Oh, he might also get blown up by her, that's also good.

[talking to Sheila the tank] Yeah, maybe yoga lessons weren't such a good idea after all. Let's try some deep breathing. In through the air filter, out through the manifold. In through the air filter, out through the manifold. [Shelia points her turret at his head] Okay, why don't we try some aversion therapy? Think about something that makes you really angry that isn't me.

Sure. [aims across the gulch, straight at Church far away who sees her taking aim at him throught the sniper rifle]

Uhhh, yeah... I don't feel as good about my plan as I used to.

Well, uh, welcome to the blue team. I guess we should probably give you some kind of orientation or something like that. So, this is the, uh, this is the base here. It's the outside of the base, inside's on the inside, you go through that door right there, to the inside. Um, there's a ramp over here. There's another one on the other side. It's kinda smaller. Does the same thing, though. Uh, it's got a basement. There's a middle part and there's a top part. Got some, you know, blue flags here... on the outside. Those come in handy when... you're trying to identify the color of the base. It's blue. Anyway, that pretty much covers the base. So, anyway, uh, that's it.

Cool.

I'm Church. I'm the leader. Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the blue team is don't kill the leader. That's me.

That's it?

That's it.

Sounds easy.

Yeah, well... we're still waiting for someone to follow that rule. So anyway, tell me about yourself. What's your training?

Training?

Yeah, what have you been told so far?

Oh, right. That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you. Ever. [Pause] Did I pass?

No, I mean what kind of military training do you have? Uhh, Weapons?

Uhh those sound violent.

Operations?

I don't even know how that works.

Communications?

Say What?!

Intelligence?

Uhhh... Huh?

Oh, great...

Yeah, sorry, doesn't sound like I have the skills you need. Unless you want to see my ping-pong ball trick.

Yeah... Wait, what?

Slow down!

There's no time! Sarge is gone! I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge! And finally I dug deep enough, and I found another hole!

You dug a hole and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?

No, no, I mean a hole at the bottom! It opened into some kind of big cavern.

[stops] A cavern? A cavern like a cave? Like a cave with bats?

[stops] I don't know, why? Are you afraid of bats or something?

Afraid of bats? No! Why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even ask that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason.

I didn't see any bats, okay?

Did you hear any bats?

No!

Did you smell any bats?

I don't know what bats smell like!

And let's hope you never find out. Is it getting dark? We should get inside.

It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole.