Tex quotes from Red vs Blue

Anyways I was sitting there talking to Gary about the great destroyer at the time we thought was Tex.

The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near. The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near.

Oh come on gary gary gary stop stop stop stop stop, hey if Tex isn't the destroyer for the prophecy then who is?

And that's when I turned around and i saw...

Saw what? Saw O'Malley?

What the... Caboose get out of the story man, no it wasn't O'Malley-

What was it?!

Stop interrupting me and I'll tell you.

A helicopter?

Yeah Caboose shut up.

Yeah Tucker you're interrupting too, just get out of the story!

Me? I'm just here to spice things up! Check this out.

Hi everybody, I'm super horny from all the robot killing. Hey, is it hot in here? Who wants to help me out of this heavy armor? This breastplate is so itchy.

Bow chicka bow-

-whoa, ok, story's over!

You're a pig.

I didn't even get to the part where the sailors show up.

Just tell us, what did you see?

Well...It was a really big...thing.

That's your story? You saw a big thing...

, Ah, my story had a big thing in it too. You just didn't give it time to develop.

Well, I really didn't get a clear look at it.

At Tucker's big thing?

Ha Ha Ha! Some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Church!

It didn't scare the crap out of him, it scared the SOUL out of him.

Oh, it's Church. What's the difference? His soul is made out of crap! (to Church) Stupid crap for soul...

For all I know, he's in there chewin' on my body right now.

Well, then let's go get this big thing of yours!

Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Oh, shut up!

Shut up, Tucker.

Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Tucker! Shut up!

I came here to lay some pipe. (quickly) Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Tucker!

So I hear you got sisters, Bow Chicka- who are twins, Bow Wow!

Shut up.

Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Shut up!

Bow chickachicka bow wow chickachicka bow wow etc.

(while Tucker is saying last) Shut up. Shut up. Shut UP!

Alright, screw it. You guys get behind me, and stay tight.

[very quickly] Bow Chicka Bow Wow.

Never mind, Tucker's in front.

Eh, it was worth it.

There it is!

Jesus RUN!! (All three of them keep shooting their guns at the wall while they run away)

Crap!

Oh my GOD OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO DIE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!

RUN!

Women and children last. (They run past Caboose)

Did we win?

Yeah Caboose we won! This is our victory lap!

(jokingly) Hey come back, I think you're making him tired! (laughing)

You know, we could've taken that alien out if I'd have hit him just a few more times.

A few more times? How about one time?

Well, I think I landed at least two or three shots.

Yeah, right.

You didn't hit anything but the wall.

How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards.

This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.

Where were you planning on shooting him from? The fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further, you woulda had to mail him the bullets!

He's got to have a name! Why don't we just ask him? Hey Alien dude, what's your name? Naaame. I am Tucker. This is Church. That's Bitch-pants McCrabby.

Hey!

Well, that's what we call you.

Not me. I call you Mrs.McCrabby

Thanks.

Has it occured to you that his name might be Honk-honk?

What kinda name is Honk-honk?

Alien, does blarg mean yes?

Blarg.

Holy shit! Blarg means yes. He just said yes. Blarg means yes. I speak alien!

Yeah..unless blarg means no. In which case, he just said no. Blarg does not mean yes.

What?! No way. Hey Alien, am I right?

Blarg.

Haha, see? The FUCK do you know.

Alright, bomb, we need to talk.

Heh hehhh heh heh heh, talk about what, Butch? Workin' on cars, and pickin' up chicks?

Excuse me, is that any way to talk to a lady?

A lady? Who're you kiddin'? I bet you got more balls than a roman candle.

(sighing) I knew this was a bad idea.

Hey, Tex, why you got black armor? Couldn't find any in flannel?

Listen jackass—

(laughing hysterically) Flannel!

I put you together, I can take you apart.

(stops laughing) Hey...whaddaya mean?

Bombs come with remote detonators, dumbass. And any time I want, I can just hit a button and you're just a memory. A very annoying, very insulting memory, but nonetheless a memory.

I think you're bluffin'. (under breath) ...Dyke.

Okay, strike two.

Alright. Whaddaya want?

Well, when I built you, I used parts from an old protocol robot.

Yeah sure, and you also used parts from some of your more personal devices.

Whoa—okay. Can you use those protocol parts and translate what this alien thing is saying?

Of course! But what's in it for me?

Let's put it this way: you don't push my buttons, and I don't push yours.

Alright, fine. But I'm not translating any of that touchy-feely crap!

Deal. Come on. [She starts to walk off.] Well, are you coming?

What am I gonna do, roll there? Pick me up, ya dumb bitch!

(exasperatedly) Great, I can tell this is starting off well.

Hey, Tex. I bet you haven't had your hands on a ball this big since your morning scratch! Ahahahahaheh, ahehahe- [Tex drops Andy with a resounding thud that shakes the screen.] Hey...aw, come on, Tex, baby, where ya goin'? It's just a joke between the two of us guys, come on! Laugh it off big guy, laugh it off! Haha, hey Tex, when you walk away I can see where ya tucked it! Haha!

That thing that he's talkin' about must be that sword, and it's not broken—it's right there.

Argh blargh!

He says it only works with the hero who passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from its resting place. For everyone else, it might as well be broken.

Uh oh.

Trial? Please, I fell in a hole, that's not a trial. I'm startin' to like this culture though, any dude who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God.

This all sounds like bullshit to me.

No he's right. It didn't work for me, remember?

Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. I mean, you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us.

Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.

You're coming with me, Tex?

Me? Hell no. This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous.

Well, I'm not going with Church. That guy's a worse fighter than I am.

Well, you're in luck, then. Cause I'm not going either.

Let me put it this way; I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword.

Whu-What? Oh, I was just admiring his... His alien... Muscle structure...

Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure...

Well, that's just a matter of penis- I mean opinion! Opinion... that's... what i meant.

Smooth.

You know, I have to say I'm a little surprised that you're not going with them.

Why? Quests are dangerous!

Yeah but they usually have some kind of big reward at the end you know like some, big treasure chest or an entire room filled with gold and art. It's not really like you to pass up on something like that Tex. ...Tex? ...You're gone, aren't you.

(sighs) I really shoulda seen that coming.

I'm tellin' you, the alien has really been creepin' me out lately. Every time I wake up, he's hovering over me. It's really weird.

I'm sure he's just safeguarding his sword. I mean, my sword.

Maybe he just wants to steal your breath.

Hey, Tucker, is my body on straight?

Dude, I don't even know what that means.

Freeze! Nobody move!

We were already not moving. You could've just said "everyone keep doing what your not doing."

Shut up!

Whatever.

Tex, what is your problem?

My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc anymore. He's jumped into somebody new, and I'm not trusting anyone 'til I find out who.

Yeah, we already know we're on top of the situation.

You are, then who did O'Malley jump into.

Oh yeah I meant-I meant we were on top of everything until that point.

Typical..

Who's O'Malley?

Ah, its just some computer program that wants to destroy the universe. He infects people from time to time but, its no big deal.

Sounds scary.

Oh, it's all good, baby. I'll protect you.

Yeah, that's what the last guy said and now I can't stop scratching

Okay, never mind.

None of us are infected, Tex, but I'm a little worried about the tank, she's been acting a little weird lately. Can an AI be planted on... [pauses] Tex?

Who's the girl?

What? Who, Sister? Oh, she's just a new recruit.

You mean to tell me that I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourself a new girl?

Oh... um...

Whoa. Tread lightly, dude, tread... lightly.

You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right just now.