Tex quotes from Red vs Blue

Just smooth talk her!

Uh, I don't know how to do that.

Just tell her she's pretty! Or that she's got that new tank smell, or something. Complement her treads, it doesn't matter!

I don't know...

It's easy! Look, here, just practice on Tex. She's... womanish.

Pardon me?

Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you want to try this on your own? [Sheila fires a blast into the canyon wall]

[Pause] I see your point.

Go ahead.

Hello... Tex... [Tucker runs up]

Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off!

Shut up, Tucker, don't interrupt.

Interrupt what?

Tex... I think you are pretty... and you haven't hurt my body in a long time, so I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands and you would go with me, and when you went with me you would be my real girlfriend.

[Forced] I think that would be... nice, Caboose. We should definitely... [sigh] do that.

What the hell? Tex, have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody, get with me! The love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world! [Tex looks to Church]

Hey, don't look at me. He's not part of the plan. [Tex smashes Tucker's face with her rifle]

Ow! What is going on around here?

I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.

So Caboose is going to be up front talking to her, and while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down.

Okay. I'll do it. [Pause]

What, that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?

No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands, it should be you.

Oh, well in that case-

Forget it. Deal's done.

Dammit.

Um, how should I distract Sheila?

Just talk to her! Keep her attention, that's it.

I... don't know, we kinda have a history... uh, she may not want to talk to me.

So? Tex and I have a rough history. Doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.

I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.

Ugh, get off my back, woman, can't you see I'm working here?

Please! You call this working?

See, uh, this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila, only with more getting shot by tanks.

Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow.

Luckily, I know where Omega is.

You do? Where?

He is inside [Tex deactivates Sheila, and her voice fizzles out]

Got it!

...who is "bloooore?"

If we set up a hard-line, yeah, I bet we could do it.

CHURCH, WAIT!

Huh?

Church, hold on a second, I've got something to tell you!

Tucker, what? What is it?

I just wanted to say... I got a hard-line Tex can use. Bow chicka bow wow.

How did you even hear that?

Phh, I'm like Superman, I know when I'm needed.

You can't just show up here and start bossing people around, Tex. Bossing people around is my job. I put in the time.

I had to leave. I found Wyoming.

Yeah, Tucker told me. What happened?

I filetracked him back to O'Malley, but by the time that York and I got there... (interrupted by Church)

York? Your old freelancer buddy? Was Carolina with him?

She was already dead.

And what about Bermuda?

That's not a state dumbass!

Portland?

Shut up!

But he still had Delta.

Delta? The AI? How? I thought they took them... Wait a minute, wait a minute... How was he even still alive? Aren't we hundreds of years in the future?

I thought it was because of his armour. You know all the freelancer suits had some kind of enhancement.

Right! Like your invisibility.

And horrible meanness.

No dude, that's all natural.

York's was some kind of healing mechanism. It would help him recover from wounds in battle. I thought it might have kept him alive all these years. But after I found Wyoming, I knocked him out and downloaded logs from his helmet. There's something going on, Church, with a lot of people working against us.

Well, what did Wyoming say when he woke up?

He didn't. Before I could interrogate him, he teleported away. One second he was there and the next he was gone.

What about the second after that?

Can I kill him, please?

No, I'm saving him in case we ever need him for food. So... Wyoming's armor lets him teleport.

I don't think so. I think someone grabbed him from somewhere else.

How's that possible? The only technology I know that could do that is... (pause) Wait a minute... Each freelancer had enhanced suit of armour and AI, right?

Right.

Right....

Your armour was invisibility, and your A.I. was Omega?

Right.

Wrong. Oops, missed that one! Could we go back?

Who was Wyoming's AI?

Gamma.

(Sigh) I got to make a phone call.

What about me? Can I get lost too?

No, Caboose. I need you to stay here and watch Shiela.

Yeah, if the transfer gets interrupted, we might lose her altogether.

Oh, that would be bad.

Riiiiight. Otherwise, how would you accidentally kill people?

Well, I suppose I could always-

Shut up. That was rhetorical.

(through the sniper scope) I don't see anything at all. It's like they're all hiding or somethin'.

Uh, what do you see?

(annoyed) I just said I don't see anything, I just said that.

(whiny) Man, I hate that I never get the fucking sniper rifle!

Oh, yeah, boo hoo. All you've got is your stupid awesome sword, I feel so sorry for you.

Come on dude, just once. Let me use it, just one time, I won't ever ask again! Pleeeeeeeease? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?

Can I use the sword?

Oh, hell yes!

Fine, here.

Oh kickass! [They swap weapons.] Heh heh! Okay no, wait, how do I zoom? I'm zoomed!

Hey Tucker, the sword doesn't even work. What a fuckin' gyp.

Okay, whatever dude, just don't-

OW!

What the fuck, did you just fire that thing?

Oops! That was an accident.

We're supposed to be sneaking up on them, dumbass! [Tucker sees Tex approaching them through the scope.] They're gonna hear us, gimme it back!

Um, yeah, okay take it back.

I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing all these years. Hey, Tex, what're you doing back?

OW! What the fuck did I do!?

Asshole!

I told him to be careful with that thing. He's just not very good with it.

And I have your word that none of them will be hurt? (O'Malley laughs menacingly)

Tex get away from him!

Booyeah!

NO! Dammit, Church!

Awesome! I'm like a fuckin' Jedi! Aw fuck you're both dead.

Donut. Relax. You've been infected by a computer virus and we just need to figure out what to do about it.

(Possessed by O'Malley) HAHAHAHA! NO, it's my body! It's my choice! And another thing, why do I do as much work as you guys but only get 92 percent of-

Sarge

Hey don't hit my soldiers without my permission...(O'Malley infects Sarge) I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers. MWAHAHAHA! YEAH, eat lead world, drop and give me infinity!

Sarge I think you've finally gone crazy.

Whoa that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the universe. Which is unlike me, considering I'd have to do actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead.

We're here, is anyone hurt...

...Or need to be killed? HAHAHA!

I know that laugh. Nobody move!

You know I...I really don't feel all that different. Meh, meh heh, heh, meh, meh, no. Feels pretty much the same. That's kinda weird huh? Expected more...

Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone...Tex?

Church run!

Tex DON'T!

You have no idea how much trouble you are in

Hey Church, how long do we keep this up?

When they all go into hiding, grab their flag and run.

[speaking like a zombie] Briiiian. I want Briiiiiian!

Caboose, it's brains, not Brian!

Oops, sorry. I must have read the script wrong. Moaning. Moaning!

Shut up you guys! They're gonna hear us!

Hey Tex, I bet it's been a while since you had some fresh meat!

Up yours.

Bow-chicka-bow-ugh [groans like a zombie]