Tex quotes from Red vs Blue

everybody in the division was paired with an AI and codenamed for a state

what was your code name Tex?

Nevada

One for each state? So there's fifty of you.

Forty-nine. Remember?

Ooh, yeah. That's right. Man, poor Florida. (Tex, Donut, and Tucker all stare at the ground and take a moment of silence) Sigh...

OK , Anyway.

What took you guys so long to get here?

There's six of us, and this is only a three seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.

(excitedly) It was a great road trip. My favourite part was when Grif tried to change gears, and he accidentally-

(sighing) Please, let's not tell the story. Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?

He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days now, and he's got some help. One of those religious nuts you guys picked up.

Oh! I like them! They were funny.

Caboose, they tried to kill you because of a flag.

I try not to remember the bad things about people.

That's all they tried to do! There were no good things!

That's okay, I have a really bad memory- WOW! LOOK, A BEACH!

Sarge

Shut up, Caboose.

I've scouted a location inside the base where we can set it off and take the whole place down. I marked the spot with a big X.

You scouted it.

Yeah.

If you got past the two walls, the huge spinning blade, the gun turrets, and made it all the way in to the fortress, why didn't you just plant the bomb then instead of putting a big X on the floor?

(hesitantly) ...I can't carry it.

What?

What was that?

It's too heavy, okay?! You happy?!

Yeah, kinda.

I need one of you idiots to carry it. I don't have the upper body strength to move it on my own.

See, girls act like they're so tough, but the first time they need someone to move a couch, who do they call? [Tex stares daggers at Grif.] Please don't kill me.

Sarge

Ah; go ahead and kill him, we can use his armor for spare parts. Here, this thing dosen't look so heavy. Look at the... (tries to lift the bomb) Whoa! That thing's not moving!

I can carry it.

I guarantee you'll need two people.

No, it's true, he has crazy strength. Church and I think it's God's way of compensating.

(picks up bomb) See.

Sarge

Great Paul Bunyan! He's like an ox!

But I have no horns... or lumberjack friends.

Come on, no way it can be that bad. Let me give it an... ah! (Caboose drops the bomb in Grif's hands and Grif falls to the ground) (Grif hands the bomb back to Caboose) Here you go, you can carry it.

She'll do anything for money.

That's not true.

It's not? I'll give you ten bucks to tear off Grif's arm.

(eagerly) Which one's Grif?

See? She's not even really on the Blue Team. She was just paid to come and help us.

(motioning towards Simmons and whispering) He's Grif.

Have her do this for you, and then you guys owe her a favor. That's how these freelancers get stuff done, right?

That'll work. I'll help you, and then the two of you have to do something for me.

Okay, we'll do it.

Wait just a second. What would we have to do?

It all depends.

Depends on what.

On...what I need...to do some future job.

But, it could be anything.

That's right, anything.

.........Like gay stuff?

...I have no idea.

...Well, can we rule out the gay stuff?

Hey, how come I never get to help?

Ooh! A sniper rifle!

I got it! [Picks it up]

Fuck.

Target locked. [Fires main cannon]

Hey, what are you guys doing up here? [Several gunshots are aimed by Future Church to get Donut's head but he misses every time]

OH MY GOD! How the hell did I miss?!

That chick with black armor is back.

What chick? You mean the chick that stuck the gernade to my head? [Church misses again]

God damn it!

That's the one.

Oooh, oh I've been waiting for this. [Donut runs over to the edge of the base that faces Tex.] HEY BITCH, REMEMBER ME?! I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA! [Donut throws a sticky grenade at Tex. Everybody watches the grenade fly slowly threw the sky while Future Church tries to shoot it down but misses every shot.]

FUCK. THIS. HORSE. SHIT!

Man, that girl has a really good arm.

[The gernade land on her] Aw, crap.

Alright, that's it. I quit. I'm going to go live in a cave. [Church runs toward the caves. And Tex blows up.]

DIOS MIO NO!!

Say something Andy, you are embarrassing me in front of my friends.

Caboose I think you're losing it.

Also I wouldn't really call us friends more like acquaintances or people who work with other people they hate.

Ah uh... Think calming thoughts, uh... Let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight—

No!

[at the same time] Duck!

You are in a cool river, where noone disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.

Breathe in through your nose (takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (takes a breath), and out through the mouth.

Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?

Hey, Andy, knock knock.

Who's there.

Inner peace and serenity.

I already heard that one.

Sounds like you're patronizing me.

No, it's me. I'm a bitch.

Heh, keep talking.

And I need to stay calm all of the time.

Or what happens?

Or... else I get so mad, I start to kill people on my own team.

I see your point.

Oooh, tell him about the moodiness, and the crankiness.

Also, mention how you like to punch people in the head while they're sleeping!

That was you?! I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me!

Mmm… why don't you just give me your sword?

No way, I can see right through your little ploy. You just want me to give you the sword.

That's what I just said.

Yeah, but it's the way you said it.

You know, it's a good thing that that sword doesn't run on brainpower. Oh my God! Tucker, look! Hot chicks!

Nice try, you just want me to turn around so you can knock me out and take the sword.

Now the hot girls are makin' out!

Okay, that's worth the risk. [turns around] Aw, crap!

What, the fuck, was that?

Hey, Church!

Hey.

Huh?

Isn't anybody gonna ask me, "What happened to your body, Church?"

[in unison, feigning interest] What happened to your body, Church?

I don't know I was sitting there talking to gary and...

The bomb?

No that's Andy... Gary is the computer.

Eh, I barely remember your names half the time!

I know my name! You can ask me if you forget!

Hey, can we please focus on me?

By the way, he's Church.

Yes. Thank you Caboose. She knows.

He is the mean one.

Thank you Caboose!

See? He is mad. Now he will stare at me until I stop talking. Then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.

(long pause) OK, I was talking to Gar-

(cuts him off) Told you so.

GOD DAMN IT!

Classic Church.

I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurysm?