Sarge quotes from Red vs Blue

[Watching Tex through a sniper rifle] Man, he's really kicking their asses.

How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

Yeah... I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

It definitely seems like your killing Church is working out for us.

You think so, I was gonna say something but uh, but you know.

Did Tex get into the base?

Yeah.

Blue team flag returned.

What the?! Who said that?

[clears voice] Sorry that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back by the way.

Hey, its Church!

Yeah, its me, hey Caboose.

Hey Church, what are you up to?

Caboose, hehe, I'm not really hear to make small talk, ok, how did you guys manage to get your flag back?

W-What, oh, that flag? We've always had that.

Tucker, who do think your trying to fool...hey wait a second, where's Tex?

Um, I'm not really sure he said was going to the store, uh something about elbow grease.

Oh great, this is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

That sidewinder is cold!

argh, what was the other one thing I told you.

Not to let him get involved?

Right, and what did you do?

We let him get involved.

And not just a little involved, how involved?

Very, very involved.

Sarge

Freeze.

Sarge

Drop your weapons.

Hey buddy.

Sarge

What?

You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

Ow, what the? Frickin head, Jesus.

He's hurt Grif, but he'll make, but we'll need to get him some help, fast.

Yeah, yeah, hold on a second, what happened here? First Donuts head exploded and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up-

[Simmons interrupts Grif] Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, I did not faint, something knocked me out.

Ok fine, just keep lying to yourself, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut out of here.

[Sarcastically] Yeah sure, oh and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking.

Whatever no one likes you anyway.

Yep, he's definitely captured....We're dead......Captured or dead [sigh]....Or captured and dead!

Well, that's just perfect!

What?! What is your problem?! Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy for stealing your girlfriend?

I never said I hated Tex. I just said she was the reason we never got married.

She?

Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted outta here.

Sarge

Can you put that in a memo and title it, "SHIT I ALREADY KNOW", get on the horn command! Well, look who's up, rise and shine buttercup!

[Voice filter broken] Oh great, you broke my voice filter, you cockbitting-fucktards!

Ah ha! I knew it, only a chick could give me a headache this big!

There's no L in it, it's pronounced 'both.'

That's what I'm saying, bolth.

Both.

You sound like an ass the way you say it.

Sarge

Grif, quicher yammerin' and get your keester up here. Need some help, got some more of dem spec ops fellas headed toward the base.

As in, more than one? Uh, maybe we should bolth go, sir.

BOTH!

Seriously dude, like an ass.

Sarge

Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank! Why don't you both come up, leave the prisoner alone? We could just put her on the honour system, have her guard herself.

Good point, sir.

Sarge

YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here. We've got just enough time for me to spray paint the bullseye on your back. Ah, by bullseye I of course mean camoflage. Now move it cupcake.

Sarge

They're definitely special-ops. I haven't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidewi- [Sarge gets possessed by Church] Wakeegeeheerager!

Sir, are you OK?

Uhh... who ya talking to red? Me?

No, I'm talking to Lopez, because, you know, that's real rewarding [Lopez swipes at Grif] Hey, what'd I tell you about that?

I..uh..I'm fine! That's...I'm just so mad about, these..uh..goddamn blues out here! They got me so goddamn mad, I could spit! [Church(Sarge) spits in his helmet]

Um...sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?

Uh...yeah. I guess did.

Permission to speak freely sir?

Go ahead.

That's really fucking gross.

Hey man, what's up, yo?

Um, hey. What's going on out there, sir?

What, uh, why, nothing. Why would you ask if something's wrong?

I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war.

Yeah well, I don't know. You're startin' to act kinda suspicious there... other red guy, so I'm keeping my eye on you.

Sarge, I'm starting to think tha- [Church huts Simmons in the back of the head ] OWWW! Jeez, the back of my head.

What the hell are you doing?!

Tex, it's me, Church. I'm here to rescue you.

You're a little short to be Church.

What? Oh yeah, right the armor. [Church leaves Sarge's body]

Sarge

What in Sam hell? Where the... who spat on my visor?

Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy so that I can sneak into the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around in the middle of the canyon, covered in black stuff that they got from going through the teleporter.

Okay.

What? That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?

Nope, it pretty much all makes sense.

Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing? That didn't do anything for ya?

I can see through you, it's pretty obvious.

Okay, well let me pop back into this guy and we'll get out of here.

Sarge

Will I remember any of this?

Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!

Sarge

Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to! No offense, Simmons.

Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.

Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?

Of course he is! You didn't notice that he never talks?

I just thought he was a real quiet guy.

Sarge

And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?

W-well, I did think the motor oil was a bit odd. I just thought he was trying to impress me.

Wow. Back so soon? You guys win the war already?

Yeah, uh, do you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?

Sarge

If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.

Hell yeah! Three points, ya dirty whore! [Tex explodes]

Dios Mio NO! [Church runs off to go save Tex]

Uh, where's Lopez going?

Sarge

To fight the enemy head on. In hand to hand combat, mano a mano. What a brave little conpadray. Lopez, I never understood a word you said, but I do know one thing. You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios amigo, adios.

Shouldn't we help him?

Sarge

Nah, that would just ruin the moment.

Why did the reds stop firing?

I don't know, they're probably out of ammo.

Hey blue team, we are giving you a chance to surrender.

Yeah, they're definitely out of ammo.

Can I ask you a question? Did they put something in the water here?

Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

No water, then what do you drink?

Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

Sarge

I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry yoo-hoo. Or a sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. Occasionally I do enjoy a sex on the beach, or a pina colada. [Singing] If you like pina coladas... and gettin caught in the rain... if you're not into yoga... Grif just has half a brain.

I would just like to let everyone know that I suck...

And?

And that I'm a girl...

What else?

... and I like ribbons in my hair ... and I want to kiss all the boys...

Sarge

This may be the best surrender of all time.

Aqquire Target..Red.

Uh Sarge... you may want to start running... now.

Sarge

Ahhhhhh.......Fudgebumbs

Sarge

What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.

Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?

Sarge

No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!

Hey Sarge, hold on a sec. Did you see something weird, Sarge?

Sarge

Yes I did. Once when I was a small child, I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to this—

Whoa, whoa. I mean did you see something weird just now? Like 5 seconds ago.

Sarge

Oh, ... then no.

What was all that stuff about your uncle?

Sarge

I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!

You wanna talk about it?

[looking through the sniper scope while standing on the upturned Warthog] Aw, crap. Hey, they got a guy fixing their tank.

Sarge

Impossible! Our intelligence clearly states that-

[interrupting] We have intelligence?!

Sarge

That the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead freelancer and Lopez- oh, wait a minute!

Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Lopez runs away, the jeep starts driving itself and suddenly there's a new guy on the blue team?

Sarge

Yes, Simmons I am. Why, obviously the blue team has constructed some kinda diabolical mind-control ray beam that they used on Lopez and now he has to do their evil blue bidding.

[jumping down from the jeep] Or, since he's a robot, maybe they just reprogrammed him.

Or maybe that blue guy who got killed by the tank has come back as a ghost and now he's possessing Lopez's body. That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner, the blue ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably a weird set of coincidences while the guy learned how to use Lopez's body.

I think I like the ray beam idea better.

Yeah, rookie. Your idea sounds a little dumb.