Sarge quotes from Red vs Blue

Sarge

[commenting on Lopez's singing] Whats on the radio now? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded mexican sasquach!

TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFF!! PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!

Aw man, this rules! RULES!

[to Sarge] Where did you get the leftovers?

Sarge

Why, from our other subject, of course!

Subject my cyborg ass.

NO WAY.

Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numb-nuts.

Sarge

Yeap, those too

Did I get your lips? Because then maybe I'll figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.

This doesn't seem physically possible!

Sarge

Nonsense. Modern-day technology makes anything possible! It was as easy as Shake-'N-Bake!

And I helped!

Sarge

...actually Donut, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help...but it sure was entertaining.

Look, instead of just running straight in to enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?

You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool! I could wear, a spy tuxedo...

Sarge

No.

With a hidden spy camera...

No.

Inside a tiny spy bowtie...

No.

Or, I could wear a flower on my lapel...

Sarge

Said no.

That sprays water in people's faces, oh man...

Shut up Donut.

No- secret spy liquid, hahaha. That would be awesome!

No!

Maybe! ...Uh, I mean... noooooo.

Oh come on, I could be double-O Donut!

You mean like Doonut?

The license to thrill! Or be thrilled!

Sarge

Alright, since you're both so in to the idea, Grif, Donut, you're on recon. Find us a way to break in to their base, and report back on the double.

Great, more time alone with the idiot.

Grif, Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif. Let's pretend, we're wearing super-spy jetpacks!

(sighing) Huhhhhhhg...

No, no no no, like this- (jetpack whooshing noise) Phschewschhhhhhhhhhhwewwwww...

Hey, can you not stop that for two seconds?

Come on agent- (clears throat, resumes in a deeper voice) Come on, Agent Grif. We've got to hurry if we want to save the Princess from the evil goblin.

What Princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?

Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful Princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!

Donut, can you just go find some higher ground or something?

But we're on higher ground now.

Why don't you use your jetpack to go to the highest ground?

Good idea! I bet the blues won't think of that!

No, if they were that stupid, we probably would have won by now.

Secret Agent Donut, to the rescue! Phschewshhhhhhhhhhh... (heads off)

I could just shoot him. No one would ever have to know. No one.

Sarge

What's this business? The Blues are giving up? I smell a trap. Or rat. Or rat in a trap. Don't accept, Simmons.

You can't surrender, Blues! We haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack and then you can surrender!

Wait. If we accept, that means we will have two surrenders and they will have none. That means we WIN!

Win what?

Uh, I don't know. The war... or something, right?

You're an idiot.

[shouting to Reds from a distance] In exchange for not killing us, they, them, we, they would like to (Tucker turns to him and stares at him) release the robot guy and me. [pause] The pink guy.

Are you becoming retarded?

What should we do, sir?

Sarge

I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for plans stored in my favourite robotic creation. No offense, Simmons.

None taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif.

[crying] I CAN'T, I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

I don't think they're going for it.

Oh, MOTHERFUCKER!!

OKAY, NOW YOU'RE UNDER ATTACK! GO AND SURRENDER, BITCH!

Sarge

Nice thinking, Simmons.

[crying] The humanity!

ALRIGHT, THEY SURRENDER!

Fuck that. I'm pissed. Let's fight!

Sarge

Gentlemen allow me to introduce :Francisco Monteque Zanzibar, and this one over here is Robot #2.

Sarge

Let's just say somebody has an overclocked sass-fact chip and rejected all the names I came up with.

*Stick it. You're not my real father.*

Sarge

But that's OK, I mananged to use that to my advantage. I made some special modifications to numero dos. Check it out. Robot #2. Codewooooord: DIRTBAG!

Meep. [hits Grif]

OW! HEY!

Sarge

Heheh. Pretty nifty, eh?

That's awesome, sir! Let me try, let me try! Codeword: DIRTBAG!

Meep. [hits Grif]

OW! OK fine, two can play this game. Codeword: DIRTBAG.

Meep. [hits Grif]

Gah! Son of a bitch!

So now we're forced to work together. How ironic.

No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other.

No. Ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.

Sarge

I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.

I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron.

Okay. [slowly] We're all agreed that while the current situation is not totally ironic, the fact that we have to work together is odd in an unexpected way that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that?

Sarge

Hello? Anyone? Do you read me? Do I read you? Anyone? Anybody? Nobody? Okay. Clicks off radio Well, I don't think the others are coming. We must have gotten separated somehow.

My toes, are getting pruney.

Sarge

Ooookay. Why don't we try to find O'Malley?

I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while. Maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates!

Sarge

Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left… and the carpet… and the drapes… and I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if y'know what I mean.

Sergeant! Look! A sleeping person!

Sarge

What? Holy Macaroon... [Sarge runs over to inspect the blue] He's not sleeping son, he's dead.

Oh good. At first, I thought that was me. Because I am blue and I like to sleep. But if he is dead, that cannot be me. That would be silly.

Sarge

No doubt he was killed by our very enemy. Once again, I find my-self torn. On the one hand, there's one less blue in the universe, but now Doc's got a bigger body count than me! And that just won't do, No sir. [Sarge turns to the dead blue] Rest in piece...scumbag.

Look, more sleeping people. It must be nap time! But who has nap time now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times!

Sarge

What the Samuel Helsinki happened here? There must have been an enormous battle. [Calls out] Hello? Is anyone okay? Are there any survivors? Preferably any RED survivors. Don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you're blue! I won't step on your neck or anything like that.

Am I allowed to answer?

Sarge

Shhh, quiet. You hear that?

Yes. That noise is called water. It is very wet, and very sloshy.

Sarge

I was talking about the trumpet, bluetard.

I have to go to the bathroom now for some reason... Which is odd, because I already went when we were standing in the creek together!

Sarge

Wait a minute! I know that song! That's Reveille! But why would someone be playing Reveille in the middle of-

Sarge

Sweet jibbling jibblets!!

Running time!

Sarge

What just happened here?"

I think all the sleeping people were trying t-

Sarge

That was rhetorical.

Sarge

Get over here, gimmie a boost.

Okay...[Walks over to Sarge] You are a good person, and people say nice things about you.

Sarge

Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.

That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.

Sarge

I know... I need you to help me look through it.

I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round, and that window is square.

Sarge

C'mere you...

Whoa!

Sarge

What do you see?

I see... a room.

Sarge

And? What's in the room?

There are some walls, and some ceilings... wait! Just one ceiling.

Sarge

What's making all that racket?

Kill the reds! Kill the reds! Kill the reds! Kill the reds! Kill the reds!

You are not going to like it.

Sarge

Caboose, I have a veery bad feeling ab-[Sarge notices the trumpet playing again]...What's that?

Chaaarge! Chaaaarge! Yeaaaah! Woo-hoo!

Sarge

Come on Caboose! We got to get to higher ground!

Yeah, I love reloading, I love to reload!

Oh! Back of the head! Tell my girlfriend that I love her...

She's my girlfriend now bitch!

Sarge

Come on Caboose! [Sarge and Caboose climb a ladder to a cliff above]

Yeah, get some! You want some!?

Sarge, I am scared of our new friends.

Sarge

Ah, sonny-bo-no, what's going on here?

Oh yeah! Oh no!

Head shot! [The sniper gets hit by a rocket] Oh! You rocket whore!

Yeah! You want some!? I got some for you! How 'bout you?

The only good blue is a dead blue!

Christ, this water's cold!

Hey, ho, hey, ho, hey, ho, hey, YO!

Weak! You took my kill!

I didn't see your name on it!

Oh, you fucking camping bitch!

It's a legitimate strategy!

Whoa!

Damn! Hey Blue, we're the only two left, let's work together!

What do you mean?

I'm coming out!

Okay, I'm coming out too!

What did you mean we could work as a team?

I bash you in the head with my rifle, and you die! Good teamwork, you fucking noob! Good game! Good game everybody, GG man, GG! [The Sniper dies with no cause] Blah!

Sarge

I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the hell O'Malley is! My only choice is to blame Grif for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif.

I am so confused. Where is Church? I need Church to tell me what to think. Church can handle this, he can handle anything!

Sarge

Caboose, we have to break this neverending cycle of attack-and-retaliation either by a) convincing the two sides to live in peace, or b) by getting ourselves completely involved and kicking some serious ass! I vote b.

I have a plan, Sergeant, but we will have to move quick. Listen, [runs up to Sarge and whispers] whisper whisper whisper Do you think that will work?

Sarge

That's your plan? All you said was 'whisper whisper whisper'.

I know, I just want to be the one with the plan for once.

Sarge

Caboose, I give up...

Wait! I can make them listen. I can beat them!

Sarge

Son, What are you talkin' about?

O'Malley taught me how to be mean! I just have to (grunting) concentrate, on, bad, things, like milk! No, wait, red... Red Bull!

Sarge

Son, I think you may have lost it. O'Malley is not inside your head anymore! He infected the Doc!

No, I can feel him! I just need to get angry and say, mean, things, like Your, brain, is, a mountain, of hatred!

Sarge

I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually miss Grif...But here it is.

Now, I, am, thinking, about... kittens! Guh, kit-tens, cov-ered in spikes! That makes, me, angry!

Yearh!

My name is Michael J. Caboose, and I hate babies!

It's the beast! The anti-flag, come to live among us and rule us for seven years! The end is nigh! [gets killed by "Evil Caboose"] Dyhurg!

[killed] Yikes!

[killed] Yowzaa!

[they are standing in a row, Caboose mows them dow with sniper rifle] Ow! Wee! Wow!

Your toast has been burned and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts.

Sarge

Aww shut up Caboose!

What happened? The last thing I remember was a very mean kitten, and then we were in this janitor's closet, and my throat hurts, a lot.

What was that weird place Sarge?

Sarge

Simmons, I have absolutely no idea.