Caboose quotes from Red vs Blue

Don't you see? If Church was facing forward during the explosion, and that blew us in to the future, that could mean that he was blown backward in to the... oh no!

Sarge

Back in to what? A wall? A broom closet?

A big rock?

Another big rock!

[proudly] Look what I found!

I found it!

[still proudly] Look at what I took credit for finding!

He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days now, and he's got some help. One of those religious nuts you guys picked up.

Oh! I like them! They were funny.

Caboose, they tried to kill you because of a flag.

I try not to remember the bad things about people.

That's all they tried to do! There were no good things!

That's okay, I have a really bad memory- WOW! LOOK, A BEACH!

Sarge

Shut up, Caboose.

Sarge

Ah; go ahead and kill him, we can use his armor for spare parts. Here, this thing dosen't look so heavy. Look at the... (tries to lift the bomb) Whoa! That thing's not moving!

I can carry it.

I guarantee you'll need two people.

No, it's true, he has crazy strength. Church and I think it's God's way of compensating.

(picks up bomb) See.

Sarge

Great Paul Bunyan! He's like an ox!

But I have no horns... or lumberjack friends.

Come on, no way it can be that bad. Let me give it an... ah! (Caboose drops the bomb in Grif's hands and Grif falls to the ground) (Grif hands the bomb back to Caboose) Here you go, you can carry it.

Sarge

OK, listen up dirtbags. If we’re gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. I’ve got two options we can use. Number one, we all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. [scene goes black and white and shows everyone running in slow motion toward windmill while yelling]. The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we’ll already be inside.

Oh yeah, right, they’re not gonna get surprised, they’re just gonna start mowing us down.

Sarge

That’s the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front, [scene goes black and white and shows them all in a line being shot with a sniper rifle], so if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.

Don’t you think Caboose should be in the back since he’s the one carrying the bomb?

Sarge

Nope, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in the back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.

How are you going to know if it’s not working?

Sarge

If Caboose dies, I’ll know we’re in trouble and immediately abort.

I think that’s a good plan.

Sarge, while that’s the most retarded idea I’ve ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.

Sarge

Don’t get misty, Francine. We’ll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.

Sarge

I think we can all agree given our current situation it’s the perfect plan.

Sarge

Well let me tell you about my other plan, using parts from the warthog we create something I like to call ... the Grif Cannon. Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif sized hole in the outer wall, or paint it a very disgusting color.

Um, maybe somebody should say something.

Okay, go ahead.

Not me jackass. I'm not going to eulogize myself.

What, why not? I eulogize myself all the time. Wait. (pause) I think I don't know what the word eulogize means.

Wait, I know how to do this! Dearly Beloved we are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Church, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now, or forever rest in peace! With liberty… and justice… for all. The end!

I learned a very valuable lesson on my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem...

They could be worse?

Nope, no matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.

Where have you been?

You want the long version or the short version?

I will take the easy version please.

I want to hear the long version but can I hear it in 3 parts?

Well I can see why we don't have lots of meetings. The only person who doesn't know is Donut. He's not even here.

Sarge

That's because I asked Donut to distract the Blues so we could have this secret meeting!

And that's how I saved Christmas.

I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything!

Yeah and I don't think Santa's outfit is a leather biker's outfit.

Say something Andy, you are embarrassing me in front of my friends.

Caboose I think you're losing it.

Also I wouldn't really call us friends more like acquaintances or people who work with other people they hate.

Andy's the bomb?

Uh... Andy prefers the term "Explosive American"

Ah uh... Think calming thoughts, uh... Let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight—

No!

[at the same time] Duck!

You are in a cool river, where noone disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.

Breathe in through your nose (takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (takes a breath), and out through the mouth.

Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?

Hey, Andy, knock knock.

Who's there.

Inner peace and serenity.

I already heard that one.

Sounds like you're patronizing me.

No, it's me. I'm a bitch.

Heh, keep talking.

And I need to stay calm all of the time.

Or what happens?

Or... else I get so mad, I start to kill people on my own team.

I see your point.

Oooh, tell him about the moodiness, and the crankiness.

Also, mention how you like to punch people in the head while they're sleeping!

That was you?! I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me!

What, the fuck, was that?

Hey, Church!

Hey.

Huh?

Isn't anybody gonna ask me, "What happened to your body, Church?"

[in unison, feigning interest] What happened to your body, Church?

I don't know I was sitting there talking to gary and...

The bomb?

No that's Andy... Gary is the computer.

Eh, I barely remember your names half the time!

I know my name! You can ask me if you forget!

Hey, can we please focus on me?

By the way, he's Church.

Yes. Thank you Caboose. She knows.

He is the mean one.

Thank you Caboose!

See? He is mad. Now he will stare at me until I stop talking. Then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.

(long pause) OK, I was talking to Gar-

(cuts him off) Told you so.

GOD DAMN IT!

Classic Church.

I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurysm?

Anyways I was sitting there talking to Gary about the great destroyer at the time we thought was Tex.

The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near. The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near.

Oh come on gary gary gary stop stop stop stop stop, hey if Tex isn't the destroyer for the prophecy then who is?

And that's when I turned around and i saw...

Saw what? Saw O'Malley?

What the... Caboose get out of the story man, no it wasn't O'Malley-

What was it?!

Stop interrupting me and I'll tell you.

A helicopter?

Yeah Caboose shut up.

Yeah Tucker you're interrupting too, just get out of the story!

Me? I'm just here to spice things up! Check this out.

Hi everybody, I'm super horny from all the robot killing. Hey, is it hot in here? Who wants to help me out of this heavy armor? This breastplate is so itchy.

Bow chicka bow-

-whoa, ok, story's over!

You're a pig.

I didn't even get to the part where the sailors show up.

Just tell us, what did you see?

Well...It was a really big...thing.

That's your story? You saw a big thing...

, Ah, my story had a big thing in it too. You just didn't give it time to develop.

Well, I really didn't get a clear look at it.

At Tucker's big thing?