Leonard Church quotes from Red vs Blue

HELLO. YOU ARE EARLY. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE FOR ANOTHER 1,856 YEARS.

What is this place?

THIS IS THE HOUSING FACILITY FOR THE GREAT WEAPON. I AM THE KEEPER OF THE GREAT WEAPON. YOU ARE THE GREAT DESTROYER. YOU WILL DEMOLISH THIS FACILITY, KILL ME, STEAL THE GREAT WEAPON, AND BRING ABOUT THE GREAT DOOM FOR BILLIONS OF PEOPLE. ...WELCOME! HOW MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE?

What're you talking about?

YOUR COMING HAS BEEN FORETOLD BY THE GREAT PROPHECY.

Does your society have any other adjectives besides great?

[proudly] Men, your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step, and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your commanding officer I'd pick you both up, give you a giant bear hug and make you call me Daddy.

Uh… thank God for the chain of command?

Target locked. [Fires main cannon]

Hey, what are you guys doing up here? [Several gunshots are aimed by Future Church to get Donut's head but he misses every time]

OH MY GOD! How the hell did I miss?!

That chick with black armor is back.

What chick? You mean the chick that stuck the gernade to my head? [Church misses again]

God damn it!

That's the one.

Oooh, oh I've been waiting for this. [Donut runs over to the edge of the base that faces Tex.] HEY BITCH, REMEMBER ME?! I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA! [Donut throws a sticky grenade at Tex. Everybody watches the grenade fly slowly threw the sky while Future Church tries to shoot it down but misses every shot.]

FUCK. THIS. HORSE. SHIT!

Man, that girl has a really good arm.

[The gernade land on her] Aw, crap.

Alright, that's it. I quit. I'm going to go live in a cave. [Church runs toward the caves. And Tex blows up.]

DIOS MIO NO!!

Um, maybe somebody should say something.

Okay, go ahead.

Not me jackass. I'm not going to eulogize myself.

What, why not? I eulogize myself all the time. Wait. (pause) I think I don't know what the word eulogize means.

Wait, I know how to do this! Dearly Beloved we are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Church, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now, or forever rest in peace! With liberty… and justice… for all. The end!

[Church runs into several other Church's who have failed to change the sequence of events leading to episode 49] What the hell is all of this?

Dear God in heaven.

Oh here he is, late again.

Who are you guys?

We're you, dumbass! We just keep screwing up and being blown back to the computer terminal. Than we teleport here to try again.

I know that man, you told me last time!

I'm not talking to you I'm talking to the new you.

Oh right, sorry I'm still getting used to all this.

Dumbass,

Hey shut up.

How did all you guys screw up?

Well when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I try to explain the situation to everybody and oddly Caboose was the only one who understood it right away. Anyway by the time I got finished answering questions the bomb went off and I went back in time.

Right, then I teleported back to Sidewinder and thought if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots Tucker I could fix everything. But I shoot Wyoming then Tucker shot me, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time.

Then I teleported back and just decided to kill everybody that I could see.

Why'd you do that?

Well... I don't know, it seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for awhile.

Well then what did you do?

Dude don't ask, trust me it... it didn't work.

So now we all come back here beforehand to discuss we did and to see if we can collectively figure out a better plan beforehand.

You said beforehand twice.

Well in that case what I was thinking about doing was-

That won't work.

So what did you do?

Aw man, it seemed like such a good idea at the time.

I learned a very valuable lesson on my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem...

They could be worse?

Nope, no matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.

Where have you been?

You want the long version or the short version?

I will take the easy version please.

I want to hear the long version but can I hear it in 3 parts?

Lavernius.

Lavernius? Well then, who is this Andy g… wait a second… Are you black?

Me?

Yeah.

Does it matter?

No, just curious.

Well, if it doesn't matter, why are you curious?

I dunno; I guess it's just something I should have picked up on after all this time.

You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!

Andy's the bomb?

Uh... Andy prefers the term "Explosive American"

Ah uh... Think calming thoughts, uh... Let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight—

No!

[at the same time] Duck!

You are in a cool river, where noone disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.

Breathe in through your nose (takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (takes a breath), and out through the mouth.

Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?

Hey, Andy, knock knock.

Who's there.

Inner peace and serenity.

I already heard that one.

Sounds like you're patronizing me.

No, it's me. I'm a bitch.

Heh, keep talking.

And I need to stay calm all of the time.

Or what happens?

Or... else I get so mad, I start to kill people on my own team.

I see your point.

Oooh, tell him about the moodiness, and the crankiness.

Also, mention how you like to punch people in the head while they're sleeping!

That was you?! I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me!

Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?

[groans] Damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn.

Hey, good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one.

Maybe we should all stick to what we know best.

Hey, where's your weapon?

You think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday, dude. She took it.

What, the fuck, was that?

Hey, Church!

Hey.

Huh?

Isn't anybody gonna ask me, "What happened to your body, Church?"

[in unison, feigning interest] What happened to your body, Church?

I don't know I was sitting there talking to gary and...

The bomb?

No that's Andy... Gary is the computer.

Eh, I barely remember your names half the time!

I know my name! You can ask me if you forget!

Hey, can we please focus on me?

By the way, he's Church.

Yes. Thank you Caboose. She knows.

He is the mean one.

Thank you Caboose!

See? He is mad. Now he will stare at me until I stop talking. Then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.

(long pause) OK, I was talking to Gar-

(cuts him off) Told you so.

GOD DAMN IT!

Classic Church.

I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurysm?

Anyways I was sitting there talking to Gary about the great destroyer at the time we thought was Tex.

The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near. The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near.

Oh come on gary gary gary stop stop stop stop stop, hey if Tex isn't the destroyer for the prophecy then who is?

And that's when I turned around and i saw...

Saw what? Saw O'Malley?

What the... Caboose get out of the story man, no it wasn't O'Malley-

What was it?!

Stop interrupting me and I'll tell you.

A helicopter?

Yeah Caboose shut up.

Yeah Tucker you're interrupting too, just get out of the story!

Me? I'm just here to spice things up! Check this out.

Hi everybody, I'm super horny from all the robot killing. Hey, is it hot in here? Who wants to help me out of this heavy armor? This breastplate is so itchy.

Bow chicka bow-

-whoa, ok, story's over!

You're a pig.

I didn't even get to the part where the sailors show up.

Just tell us, what did you see?

Well...It was a really big...thing.

That's your story? You saw a big thing...

, Ah, my story had a big thing in it too. You just didn't give it time to develop.

Well, I really didn't get a clear look at it.

At Tucker's big thing?