Leonard Church quotes from Red vs Blue

Ha Ha Ha! Some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Church!

It didn't scare the crap out of him, it scared the SOUL out of him.

Oh, it's Church. What's the difference? His soul is made out of crap! (to Church) Stupid crap for soul...

For all I know, he's in there chewin' on my body right now.

Well, then let's go get this big thing of yours!

Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Oh, shut up!

Shut up, Tucker.

Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Tucker! Shut up!

I came here to lay some pipe. (quickly) Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Tucker!

So I hear you got sisters, Bow Chicka- who are twins, Bow Wow!

Shut up.

Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Shut up!

Bow chickachicka bow wow chickachicka bow wow etc.

(while Tucker is saying last) Shut up. Shut up. Shut UP!

Hey Andy.... ANDY!

Hey, look who's back: The Dickhead!

Hey, up yours.

You back for another beating? It must be Ass-Kick o'clock!

Where's that big alien thing?

I dunno. Last time I saw him he was half-way up your ass!

Hey, why didn't you bring that glowing thing?

No way! I'd rather have a gun.

But I've got a gun.

What are you gonna do? Shoot him with ghost bullets?

Okay, yeah. I guess that's a good point.

"Hi, I'm Casper, the friendly bullet!"

There it is!

Jesus RUN!! (All three of them keep shooting their guns at the wall while they run away)

Crap!

Oh my GOD OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO DIE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!

RUN!

Women and children last. (They run past Caboose)

Did we win?

Yeah Caboose we won! This is our victory lap!

(jokingly) Hey come back, I think you're making him tired! (laughing)

Well, think about it. While our Ambassador here is either being a) eaten by the alien, or b) digested by the alien, you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies.

I would make an excellent Ambidasdor, (looks at Tucker) because I am very shy!

Get away from me freak!

You know, if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself bait.

You know, we could've taken that alien out if I'd have hit him just a few more times.

A few more times? How about one time?

Well, I think I landed at least two or three shots.

Yeah, right.

You didn't hit anything but the wall.

How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards.

This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.

Where were you planning on shooting him from? The fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further, you woulda had to mail him the bullets!

I think I will call him... Crunchbite!

Naah, that's a stupid name.

Well I think it's better than your suggestion...Crouchasaurous.

Caboose who are you talking to— HOLY SHIT!!!

BLARG!

Stop he is my friend, he's not going to it eat anybody.

Yeah says you stink too much to eat.

I think he might be saying things telepathically. I just heard something in my head.

What? What was it?

It was a voice saying "Blargh blargh blargh blargh!"

Ooo-kay. Church... is trying to get a TRANSLATOR. So that WE can TALK to EACH OTHER.

: Tucker, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language. Speaking slowly is not gonna help.

What? I'm talking to Caboose.

Oh.

[camera pans to reveal Caboose] I don't understand. Are-are-are you hungry? Tucker, are you hungry? Are you cold?

What? No.

Do you need a blanket? Tucker, do you want some hot dogs in a blanket?

Damn it, no, Caboose! I'm NOT cold, I don't want a hot dog, and if you put mustard in my fucking sheets again, I'm gonna kill you!

Has it occured to you that his name might be Honk-honk?

What kinda name is Honk-honk?

Alien, does blarg mean yes?

Blarg.

Holy shit! Blarg means yes. He just said yes. Blarg means yes. I speak alien!

Yeah..unless blarg means no. In which case, he just said no. Blarg does not mean yes.

What?! No way. Hey Alien, am I right?

Blarg.

Haha, see? The FUCK do you know.

Church! Chuuuuurch! Hey, Church!

I'm right behind you dumbass.

Oh. Hey, Church, do you have a knife?

No. That's a weapon, dude. Ask Tex.

She said she had something to take care of. Girl stuff, I think.

Huh? Like what?

I don't know! I stopped asking questions after "girl stuff".

What're you two guys doin'?

We're gonna teach the Alien how to speak English.

How're you gonna do that?

People learn English all the time. It aren't that hard.

Maybe you should try learning his language.

Fuck that. We got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those're the rules, dude. Earth colony, Earth language.

Tucker, there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth.

Yeah, but only one that kicks ass. And that's the one we're teaching. English 101: remedial kick-ass.

What is he [the alien] saying?

Listen guys, if want me to translate, you can't keep asking me every four seconds, "what's he sayin' now, Andy?" "what's he sayin' now?" I'm gonna tell you what he's sayin', that's my freakin' job!

That's what he said? That's a pretty weird thing to say. Ok, tell him, sorry, I will stop saying...that. And...also...no.

I think we need a translator just for Caboose.

That thing that he's talkin' about must be that sword, and it's not broken—it's right there.

Argh blargh!

He says it only works with the hero who passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from its resting place. For everyone else, it might as well be broken.

Uh oh.

Trial? Please, I fell in a hole, that's not a trial. I'm startin' to like this culture though, any dude who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God.

This all sounds like bullshit to me.

No he's right. It didn't work for me, remember?

Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. I mean, you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us.