Leonard Church quotes from Red vs Blue

[Ghost Version] Get out of my body, Right NOW Tex!

[Inside Lopez's Body] This isn't your body. I stole it!

Yeah, but I stole it first!

I am confused. I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed. And I like it.

Well Tex, that was a great story. I especially like the part where Church got pants'd in High School.

I found that part entirely out of context.

But I still don't get how we're suppose to stop the AI.

I don't remember much from the implantation process. I do remember that can be transmitted from host to host by the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the AI took over and we escaped. If we can kill the AI and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it.

And then I can get my body back. Deal?

Deal.

Alright, Tex and I will possess Caboose now. Tucker, we need you to work on the reds. Get them to turn off their helmet radios so Omally won't have anywhere to go, once we get him out of there.

Right.

What?! How the hell am I going to do that?!

I don't know. Come up with a plan.

Come on. You know how I feel about plans.

You're not going to have much time when we get in there, so move fast.

Oh, I see. You have no idea of what I should do, or how I should do it, but what ever I do, I should do it fast?

Yeah, that's right.

Yep.

Wow. You guys are a lot of help.

Hey Tucker, is that you?

No. What, are you stupid? Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid.

I see. So you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.

The other? Wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?

Of course he's seen him, you idiot! You think Mr. Caboose would miss something like that, you sleazy douchebag fuck?!

Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

My name is Church, butt-wiping ass-munch!

[To Tex] This guy's kind of an asshole.

Yeah, we've met.

And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip-lipping fuck-suck!

Okay, there's a lot of stuff in that sentence I didn't like.

Just play along, Church. We're gonna need this guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.

I'm gonna go look for girls.

You're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!

Alright, O'Malley, this is it. From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic; it's gonna be me.

Aww, that's sweet.

Shut up, Bitch.

Asshole.

Man Caboose, you were asleep for a long time. What were you dreaming about?

Ohhhh nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I am sleeping.

That's pretty much how you function while you're awake too.

I think consistency is important.

[In ghost form] Well you look okay, then again that's just the armor. How do you feel?

Great! [Short pause] Who are you?

Oh come on, not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?!

Oh of course! I remember you. [Shorter pause] You're Marvin!

[Slowly] I'm Church.

I think I would remember a name That ridiculous. Nope. You are definitely Phill.

You killed me with the tank.

Dave!

You insulted my girlfriend, you called her a cow.

Terrence!

Dude, he called her a slut.

Phineas?

You're whole life is based around pleasing me.

Wally.

In fact, I think you're kind of obsessed w-

Milo?

-ith being my best friend.

[To Tucker] Psst! The new guy is pretty full of himself.

New guy? What the? I'm not the new guy! You're the new guy!

I don't know, I kinda like it. I can get used to calling you rookie.

Oh yeah? Could you get used to me beating you to death?

[To Tucker again] Psst! What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad.

Oh son of a bitch.

Hooven?

Okay, listen closely. Our biggest secrets is Wahigattatawagatagata.

Caboose, it's me Church. I've possessed this guy so we can... whew, hey, this pink armor is kinda' comfortable. Roomie. Sweet. What were you two guys talking about?

Oh... nothing.

.... Wanna braid each others hair?

Sarge

What's this business? The Blues are giving up? I smell a trap. Or rat. Or rat in a trap. Don't accept, Simmons.

You can't surrender, Blues! We haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack and then you can surrender!

Wait. If we accept, that means we will have two surrenders and they will have none. That means we WIN!

Win what?

Uh, I don't know. The war... or something, right?

You're an idiot.

[shouting to Reds from a distance] In exchange for not killing us, they, them, we, they would like to (Tucker turns to him and stares at him) release the robot guy and me. [pause] The pink guy.

Are you becoming retarded?

What should we do, sir?

Sarge

I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for plans stored in my favourite robotic creation. No offense, Simmons.

None taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif.

[crying] I CAN'T, I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

I don't think they're going for it.

Oh, MOTHERFUCKER!!

OKAY, NOW YOU'RE UNDER ATTACK! GO AND SURRENDER, BITCH!

Sarge

Nice thinking, Simmons.

[crying] The humanity!

ALRIGHT, THEY SURRENDER!

Fuck that. I'm pissed. Let's fight!

Prepare for Operation Circle of Confusion.

Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.

What?

I'm just saying it doesn't look like a circle. It kinda looks more like we're forming a triangle.

Okay, fine. Triangle of Confusion. Rhombus of Terror. Parabola of Mystery. WHO CARES!? Get the goddamn show on the road!

Church, the purple guy, he's...

I know, it's O'Malley, he must have gotten into the medic.

No...he's an asshole.

Help! He took Lopez!

So now we're forced to work together. How ironic.

No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other.

No. Ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.

Sarge

I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.

I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron.

Okay. [slowly] We're all agreed that while the current situation is not totally ironic, the fact that we have to work together is odd in an unexpected way that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that?

Alright, now let's just find... Where is everybody?

Whoa, where are we? What is this place?

Freeze! Drop your weapon!

Uh oh.

I said freeze, DIRTBAG!

Meep! (Church hits Grif with his gun.)

Ow! Oh come on!

Hey, asshole, for the last time, LET ME OUT OF THIS GOD DAMN JAIL CELL!!!

Yeah, let him out! He's driving me nuts!

Oh shut up red, nobody asked you!

I should have never listened to Donut's stupid fucking plan...

There's no "I" in team, Grif.

Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team, nobody's on the god-damn team. The team sucks!

What can I do Sarge?

Sarge

I need you to run right at O'Malley.

And shank him with my shiv?

Sarge

No, when he blows you up with a rocket, try to see if you can get your dismembered limbs and guts to clog the barrels of his rocket launcher.

You're kidding?

Sarge

It's a remote chance, I know, but it's worth a shot.

(Catching the two behind a rock) OBLIVION IS AT HAND! HA HA!

(Points the rocket launcher at them) Cover your ears guys. This thing is really loud.

This is it!

Not so fast O'Malley! (Everyone turns to Simmons) Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can! (A teleporter comes from nowhere, letting in the Zealot Solders)

ALRIGHT, NEW LEVEL! YEAH!

YAHOO! YAHOO! YEAH!

Hey guys, you want your flag? (All the zealots turn to Simmons) He's the one who has it! (Screen panel turns to O'Malley)

(Zealots turn to O'Malley) The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light! (All the Zealots shoot at O'Malley)

NO, GET, GET AWAY FROM ME! NO, MY POWER IS DROPPING, STOP, DOWN!

We need to disarm Church's bomb Sarge.

Sarge

Right.

(Church gets struck by lightning) Yow woo hoo hoo! (Reds run up to Church)

Sarge

Hold still son, this will just take a second. (Sarge kneels down to Church's crotch)

Seriously, don't you ever install anything above the waist? (Sarge pops up again)

Sarge

OH NO! That last lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off!

Can you do it manually?

Sarge

Impossible. I specifically designed it so I wouldn't be able to defuse it.

Why?

Sarge

In case I fell into the wrong hands, and was brainwashed to help the blues.

Nice thinking Sir.

You just had to get one last ass kiss in before we die, didn't you?

("tea-bagging" O'Malley) HUP HUP HUP!

NO, NOT, THAT'S DISGUSTING, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Let me try, let me try, heh heh heh, take that dude!

I'M BEING VIOLATED!!

Church, (Tucker points a rocket launcher at Church) there's only one thing I can do.

Hey, what the hell?!

There's only twenty seconds left!

If I blow you up before the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live.

But the rocket will kill me!

TEN SECONDS!

YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY WHEN THE BOMB GOES OFF!

Hey, what can I tell you pal? Misery loves company.

FIVE SECONDS!

Sorry Church.

Aw man, this blows, you guys suck. (Tucker suddenly gets shot at the side)

WHAT THE HELL?! (Screen panel shows Agent Wyoming with a sniper)

Sorry Privet Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye.

Uh, guys, I hate to interrupt but, zero seconds.

Uh oh. (Church's bomb makes a series of beeps and dial noises)

What? Oh, son of a b- (Camera pans out to show the entire map, a small explosion is seen, then the camera fades to white)