Holly quotes from Red Dwarf

Rimmer

I always hated that pus-head Hollister. He always resented my popularity. That's why he never put forward my proposal to reduce the minimum haircut length by an eighth of an inch. Small-minded, petty-thinking modo!

Arnold, I'm picking up an unidentified object.

Rimmer

"Constantly fails the exam"? I'd hardly call eleven times "constantly"! I mean, if you eat roast beef eleven times in your life, one would hardly say that person "constantly" eats roast beef. No, it would be a rare, nay, freak occurrence! "Possibly mad"?! What is he driveling about?!

It's on the screen, Arnold.

Rimmer

What is?

The UO.

Rimmer

What is it?

I don't know.

Rimmer

Well, you'd better find out, hadn't you? It's obviously beyond me; I've got more teeth than brain cells, remember?!

Yes, you have.

We're getting a signal. It's probably nothing but I just thought I'd mention it.

Rimmer

Aliens.

Lister

Oh God, aliens... Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys - it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall - it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well!

Rimmer

Well, we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?

Lister

Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?

Rimmer

Just 'cos they're aliens, doesn't mean they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Although they probably do something weird and alien-esque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.

Lister

Well, I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema!

We're a bit short on a few supplies.

Lister

Like what?

Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.

Lister

What kind of milk are we using now?

Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.

Lister

Dog's milk?!

Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.

Lister

Why?

No bugger'll drink it. Plus, of course, the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.

Lister

Why didn't you tell me, Holly?

What, and spoil your tea?

Rimmer

I want a triple fried egg sandwich...

Lister

With chili sauce and chutney!

You what?

Lister

It's a state-of-the-art sarnie!

It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.

Lister

And for this very special occasion I have baked - a cake.

What's that then?

Lister

It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly, cos he was a technician.

Well, that's very apt, that is. If he'd been a postman you'd have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose?

Lister

Yeah!

Gordon Bennett, it's lucky he's not a gynaecologist.

Lister

So, aliens came on board.

Rimmer

without question!

Lister

They broke my leg.

Rimmer

For some reason.

Cat

They broke my leg.

Rimmer

Yes.

And then they did a jigsaw...well that's cleared that up...

I was in love once. A Sinclair ZX81. People said, no, Holly, she's not for you. She's cheap, she's stupid and she wouldn't load, well, not for me anyway.

Lister

What are you trying to say, Hol?

What I'm saying, Dave is, it's better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.

Cat

Why's that?

Anything's better than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.

I just don't know where we are. There's no two ways about it: I flamingoed up!

Rimmer

What do you mean?

It's like a cock-up, only much much bigger.

Lister

[holds up the Holly Hop Drive] Is this it?

What do you think?

Lister

It's just a box with "stop" and "start" on it!

It's fairly straightforward. If you want to start it you press "start". I'll leave you to work out the rest of the controls for yourself.

Rimmer

It's absolutely pathetic.

Right. Let's Holly Hop. Engage drive... drive engaged. Initiating ignition sequence... ignition sequence initiated.

Rimmer

Get on with it.

It takes time, this. One slight error in any of my thirteen billion calculations and we'll be blasted to smithereens. Here we go, then: 10, 9, 8, 6, 5-

Rimmer

You missed out the seven.

Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens.

Rimmer

[sing-song voice] We're going to di-ie.

No problem. I'll start lower down. 1, blast off.

Hang on, I'm linking up with their on-board computer.

Hello, I'm Hilly.

Hello, I'm Holly.

Hello Holly.

Hello Hilly.

Wow, this is a turn up, innit. You'd better boogie on over and we can sort it out.

Right on, sis.

See you, Hol.

See you, Hil.

I'm in there!

Rimmer

Holly? Is it possible? Could this be Earth?

Certainly seems that way. Constellations match, gravity exactly one-G.

Rimmer

What's the time period?

Well, it's difficult to pin it down exactly, but according to all the available data, I would estimate it's round about... lunchtime, maybe half-one.

Rimmer

What period in history, dingleberry-breath? I mean can we expect to see Ghengis Khan and his barbarian buddies sweeping across the hill? Or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Doug McClure? What is the year?

Well, I'd need some more data before I could give you a precise answer.

Rimmer

Like?

Well, this year's calendar'd be 'andy!

Well, the thing about a black hole - its main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?

Rimmer

But five of them? . How can you manage to miss five black holes?

It's always the way, innit? You hang around for three million years in deep space and there hasn't been one, then all of a sudden five turn up at once.

Rimmer

So Holly managed to navigate through five black holes?

As it 'appens, there weren't any black 'oles.

Rimmer

But you saw them!

They weren't black 'oles.

Grit. Five specs of grit on the scanner scope. Y'see the thing about grit, is it's black. And the thing about the scanner scope...

Rimmer

Ohhhh!

Cool it, Arn...

Rimmer

ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!

Rimmer

Anything?

Got 'im.

Rimmer

And?

Tension Sheet, inventor of: Dave Lister, aged 17.

Rimmer

Damn!

And he died tragically in a plane crash, aged 98.

Rimmer

Ninety-eight?!

His own fault, apparently. He was making love to his fourteenth wife and he lost control of the plane.

Rimmer

Have you got any photographs?

(Shocked) Not of that, no!