Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Black hole approaching! This is not a drill. This is a drill! [pneumatic drill sound] Abandon shi- Oh God, now the siren's bust.... Awooga! Awooga! Abandon ship!
“Marooned”
In this episode: Arnold Rimmer (10), Dave Lister (6), Holly (3), Kryten (1)
Well, the thing about a black hole - its main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?
But five of them? . How can you manage to miss five black holes?
It's always the way, innit? You hang around for three million years in deep space and there hasn't been one, then all of a sudden five turn up at once.
[While Lister is examining his 19th century toy soldiers] Please be careful with those, they're antiques! How's General Dumuoriez going to look with goat vindaloo all over his tunic?
It'll make him look more realistic, it'll look like he's got dysentery.
He told me that in a previous incarnation I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
You know what? I believe you.
To have lived a life alongside one of the greatest commanders of all time! No wonder the military's in my blood!
No wonder you're such a good singer!
Mayday, Mayday! I wonder why they call it "Mayday" ? It's only a bank holiday. Why not "Shrove Tuesday", or "Ascension Sunday" ? Ascension Sunday, Ascension Sunday! 2nd Wednesday after Pentecost, 2nd Wednesday after Pentecost!
Twelve?! (pause) You can't have been a full member of the golf club, then.
Of course I wasn't! It was just a place to go!
You did it (i.e. have sex) on a golf course and you weren't a member?
It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anythin'!
Imagine getting your golf ball stuck in Lister's buttock crevice. You'd need more than a niblick to get that out.
Are you saying I've got a big bum?
Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.
[on losing his virginity] Michelle Fisher. The eighth hole of Bootle Municipal Golf Course. Par 4, dogleg to the right, in the bunker behind the green.
You lost your virginity on a golf course? How'd you have the nerve?
It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anythin'! It was midnight.
She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me, completely naked. I was so excited I nearly dropped me skateboard!
Skateboard? How old were you?
Twelve.
Twelve?! Twelve years old? Twelve?! (pause) You can't have been a full member of the golf club, then.
Of course I wasn't!
You did it on a golf course and you weren't a member?
'Course I wasn't!
Didn't pay any green fees or anything?
It was just a place to go!
I used to play golf, I hate people who abuse the facilities! I hope you raked the sand back nicely after you'd finished. Imagine getting your ball stuck in Lister's buttock crevice. You'd need more than a niblick to get that out.
Are you saying I've got a big bum?
Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.
So Holly managed to navigate through five black holes?
As it 'appens, there weren't any black 'oles.
But you saw them!
They weren't black 'oles.
Rimmer (resigned): What were they?
Grit. Five specs of grit on the scanner scope. Y'see the thing about grit, is it's black. And the thing about the scanner scope...
Ohhhh!
Kryten, get the hacksaw and follow me.
Where are we going?
We're going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to me.
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