David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero."
“Waiting For God”
In this episode: Holly (4), Arnold Rimmer (3), Dave Lister (2)
Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. He aches for responsibility, yet constantly fails the Astro-navigation exam. Astoundingly zealous, possibly mad; probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical."
[examining markings on the space pod] Hold on... Give me an R... Give me an E... Give me a D.... Give me a Red Dwarf...Garbage Pod! Holly, did Rimmer ever work in waste disposal?
No, Dave.
It's one of our old Red Dwarf garbage pods with the writing burnt off in places. Why didn't you tell him, Hol?
Well, it's a laugh, innit?
I mean, what kind of holy writ is this, Rimmer? 'It is a sin to be cool.'
LOOK, I'M SICK TO DEATH ABOUT HEARING ABOUT THESE STUPID CATS! MY CONCERNS ARE SLIGHTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT KIND OF CARDBOARD HAT I'M WEARING! I'M TRYING TO DECIPHER THIS! THIS IS SCIENCE, LADDIE! You can smirk, Lister, but I believe the Quagaars!
'Quagars?'
Quagaars, it's a name I made up! Double-A, actually! I believe the Quagaars'll have the technology to give me a new body!
Never mind this tot, where's the Cat?
Tot?
Tot.
Tot?!
Tot!
TOT?!
TOT!
TOT?! TOT?! WE'LL SEE HOW TOTTY THIS IS, LADDIE, THE QUARANTINE PERIOD'S NEARLY UP! ....BASTARD!
(Credits roll but then it stops) It's a garbage pod. (Credits roll again but stops again) IT'S A SMEGGING GARBAGE POD!!!
I always hated that pus-head Hollister. He always resented my popularity. That's why he never put forward my proposal to reduce the minimum haircut length by an eighth of an inch. Small-minded, petty-thinking modo!
Arnold, I'm picking up an unidentified object.
"Constantly fails the exam"? I'd hardly call eleven times "constantly"! I mean, if you eat roast beef eleven times in your life, one would hardly say that person "constantly" eats roast beef. No, it would be a rare, nay, freak occurrence! "Possibly mad"?! What is he driveling about?!
It's on the screen, Arnold.
What is?
The UO.
What is it?
I don't know.
Well, you'd better find out, hadn't you? It's obviously beyond me; I've got more teeth than brain cells, remember?!
Yes, you have.
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