Holly quotes from Red Dwarf

Like many people who appear to have everything, Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy. Well, actually it hasn't, but we can only hope. Now onto Dr Bob Porkmann, father of the condom that calls you back.

Rimmer

Freeze. I've seen enough.

What you gonna do?

Rimmer

I'm going in. I'm going in to rescue him.

Rimmer

It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!

I never had a mum either.

Rimmer

Well, you can all have mine. Everyone else did.

Hudzen

See you in Silicon Heaven!

Kryten

It doesn't exist!

Hudzen

What doesn't exist?

Kryten

Silicon Heaven! There's no such place!

Hudzen

No such place as Silicon Heaven?

That's right! The whole place is a big con!

Hudzen

No such place as Silicon Heaven?

Kryten

No!

Hudzen

Then where do all the calculators go?

Kryten

They just die.

Says on the pod, Barbara Bellini

Lister

Barbara Bellini, what a beautiful name. There's no justice, how can this happen to me? Maybe I can wear a turban and pretend I'm from India.

Cat

Maybe you can stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the Taj Mahal!

Lister

There must be some way of findin' out. [if the pod contains Barbara Bellini or a rogue simulant]

There is. (pause) All you've gotta do is hang around here for 24 hours. Then, if you find your limbs scattered across deep space and your neck full of saliva, you can take it as read it probably wasn't Babs.

Lister

So, if it's not Bellini in there, who is it?

Rimmer

One of the prisoners. And considering the ship was transporting forty psychotic, half-crazed, mass-murdering, super-strong androids, we thought it prudent to find out who the smeg was in there before we woke them up.

Kryten

With respect, sir, they're not androids. They're simulants.

Cat

What's the difference?

Kryten

Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.

Lister

Can we stop it, Hol?

What? Oh. No. One-way process.

Lister

Can't we X-ray the pod?

No. Lead lining. That's to survive in space, innit?

Lister

There must be some way of finding out.

Well, there is. All you 'ave to do is 'ang around 'ere for 24 hours. Then, if you find your limbs scattered across deep space and your neck full of saliva, you can take it as read it probably wasn't Babs.

Talkie Toaster

I have a third question. A sensible question. A question that will test the limits of your new IQ to its very limits and stretch the sinews of your knowledge to bursting point!

This is gonna be about waffles, isn't it?

I apologise, Toaster, what's the question?

Talkie Toaster

The question is this: given that God is infinite, and that the Universe is also infinite...would you like a toasted teacake?

We're locked out!

Kryten

This is not a malfunction, there's something controlling the craft!

Rimmer

Holly, any traffic around?

Nothing on the local scan.

Kryten

This isn't possible! There must be -

Cat

What happened to him? His voice finally break?

Kryten

The Inquisitor?!

Lister

OK. I'm here, what's the beef?

We've got a visitor.

Lister

What?

A pod arrived about 20 minutes ago. Something was in it, but it's broken free.

Lister

Any ideas?

Well, I don't want to spread any panic or alarm.

Lister

Whaddya mean, you don't wanna spread panic and alarm?

Well, you've always had this thing against tarantulas, haven't you?

Lister

(worried) Tarantulas?

I mean that you've never been overly fond of them as a species, have you?

Lister

Well, no.

And the prospect of waking up and finding one crawling over your clammy, naked, helpless body has always filled you with a kind of cold dread?

Lister

Well, yeah. W - what are you trying to say to me, Holly?

I'm saying it might not be your night.

Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: This is not a daffodil.

Rimmer

Well, thankfully Holly's unaffected.

Rimmer

I know that, emotionally speaking, this isn't the news you want to hear right now. But there's a blob on the sonar scope the size of New Mexico and it's heading your way.

I think our friend the Suicide Squid is about to put in an appearance.

Kryten

Where is it, precisely?

Rimmer

Directly above you. Two thousand fathoms and diving.

Lister

Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in and you have to go and give us news like that. You couldn't have lied?

Rimmer

I was lying. It's only one thousand fathoms.

Lister

Have you figured a way to get us out of here, Hol?

I have actually, Dave. I've devoted all my run-time to looking for a loop-hole in the prison regs. I think I've come up with something that means you can serve your entire two-year sentence in just fourteen weeks.

Lister

Ah, Brilliant! What have I got to do?

Become a dog.

Lister

Hol: need some advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?

What do you want -- the long or the short version?

Lister

Oh. Long.

You're finished.

Cat

What's the short version?

Bye.