“Parallel Universe”
In this episode: Arnold Rimmer (5), Dave Lister (5), Holly (3), The Cat (2)
[from the song "Tongue-Tied," sung by Cat, Rimmer and Lister]
When I saw you for the first time (first time)
My knees began to quiver (quiver)
And I got a funny feeling (feeling)
In my kidneys and my liver (digestive system baby)
My hands they started shakin' (shakin')
My heart began a-thumpin' (boom, boom, boom)
My breakfast left my body (huey, huey, huey)
Now darling tell me somethin.'
I just don't know where we are. There's no two ways about it: I flamingoed up!
What do you mean?
It's like a cock-up, only much much bigger.
What color is it supposed to turn?
Blue for not pregnant, which is the color it's gonna turn.
And red for pregnant?
Yeah.
[chants]Come on, you re-eds!
It's changing colour!
What colour?
It is! It's changing colour!
What colour!?
I's blue for not pregnant, right?
Yes!
Good news Listy, excellent news!
Oh, thank god!
I'm going to be an uncle!
[trying to demonstrate his flirtation technique] Would you like to join me in a cocktail?
No.
You can't say no... it doesn't work if you say no, you've gotta say yes!
Right, okay, go on.
Would you like a worm-do?
What's that then?
What's what?
A worm-do.
What about it?
...Is this still the opening line?
You're not giving me the right reply!
What is the right reply?!
I ask if you want to join me for a cocktail, you say yes; I ask if you want a worm-do, you say 'what's a worm-do?' and then I say-
'Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that.'
You know it.
Rimmer, you could not pull a rotten tooth out of a dead horse's head with that one!
[holds up the Holly Hop Drive] Is this it?
What do you think?
It's just a box with "stop" and "start" on it!
It's fairly straightforward. If you want to start it you press "start". I'll leave you to work out the rest of the controls for yourself.
It's absolutely pathetic.
Right. Let's Holly Hop. Engage drive... drive engaged. Initiating ignition sequence... ignition sequence initiated.
Get on with it.
It takes time, this. One slight error in any of my thirteen billion calculations and we'll be blasted to smithereens. Here we go, then: 10, 9, 8, 6, 5-
You missed out the seven.
Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens.
[sing-song voice] We're going to di-ie.
No problem. I'll start lower down. 1, blast off.
Hang on, I'm linking up with their on-board computer.
Hello, I'm Hilly.
Hello, I'm Holly.
Hello Holly.
Hello Hilly.
Wow, this is a turn up, innit. You'd better boogie on over and we can sort it out.
Right on, sis.
See you, Hol.
See you, Hil.
[The Crew stares at him]
I'm in there!
Hey, hey, hey, hey! I hate to break up the party, but is there somebody missing?
How d'you mean?
Well: Lister, female opposite; Rimmer, female opposite. Where's mine?
Oh, right. Mooching around on the Cargo Decks, I think.
Ohh! All my life I've waited for this moment, and now it has arrived! Hey, listen, if you hear me screaming, do not - I repeat, do not - come to the rescue! (whoops) [runs from the room, singing] I'm gonna get you, little kitty...
I think he's in for a bit of a shock.
Why?
His opposite isn't female.
What is it?
It's a dog.
[singing] I'm gonna get you, little kitty, I'm gonna get you...
[He stops dead when he sees the Dog, looks straight at the camera]
I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he wants to eat me.
Well, trash my shorts, what a funny-looking dawg!
...better make myself look big! [raises his arms and snarls]
Put it there, Buddy, put it right there!
[reels from his breath] Argh! What kind of toothpaste does he use?! Rotting meat flavour?
Oh, come on now. I wanna be your buddy! Tell you what - I'm gonna smell your behind, and you can smell mine! Now, is that a deal?
You wanna smell my WHAT!?
Why sure! Don't you wanna smell me?
Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars! When was the last time you took a bath?
Oh please, don't say that word!
What, bath?
You said it again! Now listen up: if y'all gonna say that word in front of me, please spell it.
When was the last time you took a B - A - T - H.
[beat; Dog thinks about it]
What's that?
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