Arnold Rimmer quotes from Red Dwarf

Rimmer

When you're younger you can eat what you like, drink what you like, and still climb into your 26" waist trousers and zip them closed. Then you reach that age, 24-25, your muscles give up, they wave a little white flag, and without any warning at all you're suddenly a fat bastard

Rimmer

KRYTEN! UNPACK RACHEL AND GET OUT THE PUNCTURE REPAIR KIT!!!

Rimmer

At least he gets 24 hours notice, that's more than most of us get. Most of us get "Mind that bus!" "What bus?" "Splat!"

Rimmer

[in a scathing tone] I recognize you two. Weren't you two the double action centrefold in July's edition of "Big Boys in Boots"?

Rimmer

[in a squeaky voice, after Lister swallowed and then spat out his light bee] My God, that was disgusting!

Rimmer

Oh, and sir, you're wrong. We won't be apart, we just...won't be together.

Rimmer

I cannot believe I just said that! (he leaves)

Rimmer

Mr Flibble is very cross, you shouldn't have run away from him. What are we going to do with them Mr Flibble?

Rimmer

(pretending to be shocked, mock-gasps) We can't possibly do that! Who'd clear up the mess?

Rimmer

This is a nightmare! I'm on the run from the Fascist Police with a murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a Bri-Nylon shirt!

Rimmer

Look, maybe we can reason with it. Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh. This is acting senior officer Arnold J Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vehicle Star Bug. Now hear this, 'cos it's only coming once: We surrender, totally and without condition. Thank you for listening. Oh, additional: sorry to take up your valuable time. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. Bye. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Rimmer

We've lost it.

Rimmer

Sorry, I was looking at the wrong panel.

Rimmer

Kryten, kindly get to the point, before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich.

Rimmer

Dear lord, what has created such foulness? Is it the product of a marriage twixt woman and gerbil?

Rimmer

It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging.

Rimmer

Why don't you smegging well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger?