Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
“Dimension Jump”
In this episode: Arnold Rimmer (5), Dave Lister (4), Ace Rimmer (4), The Cat (1)
You don't like Reggie Wilson? What? Not even "Pop Goes Delius" or "Funking Up Wagner"?
I prefer something slightly more melodious, like the long, drawn-out death rattle of a man suffering from terminal flatulence.
[in a scathing tone] I recognize you two. Weren't you two the double action centrefold in July's edition of "Big Boys in Boots"?
RRimmer
Skipper?
Thought he deserved a nickname, Skipper sounded good.
RRimmer
Ace and Skipper? You sound like a kids TV series about a boy and his bush kangaroo.
MMellie
What are you doing at lunchtime?
Not sure, why?
MMellie
If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.
I'm sorry, Mellie, I don't fraternise with the staff.
MMellie
I resign.
I'll be there at 13:00.
MMellie
(breaks the fourth wall) What a guy!
What is it about me? It's always been the same old story. It's not easy to look in that mirror and see a guy nobody likes.
How do you think we feel? We gotta look at it all day!
[lying] We just thought you wouldn't wanna come.
I try to be liked, God knows I try. I regale you with amusing stories of my time in the Hammond Organ Owners' Society. You never laugh. I offer to talk you through my photo collection of 20th-century telegraph poles. You've always got some excuse. None of you like Morris dancing. Would that break your hearts, every once in a while, getting our knees in the air, the jingle of bells, the clonk of wood on wood? Every time I suggest it, you pretend to be ill.
You've got it wrong, man. We just thought you wouldn't want to come. Now we know you do, great, you can come. The way you're going on about it, it's like some major conspiracy, we've been planning it for days. We haven't. (which of course is a lie)
Really?
Really.
All right, then, I'll come. I'll just get changed. Holly?
Holly (Appears on the screen wearing a fishing cap): Oh, who woke 'im up?!
Skipper, I've decided I'm not going to stay.
Why?
Him and me. It would never work. I just can't stand to be near the man. To see myself so warped, so bitter, so weasely. The man's a maggot.
So where're you going to go?
Just out there. I can't go back. But there's a billion other realities to explore. A billion other Arnold Rimmers to meet. Maybe somewhere there's one who's more of a pain in the butt than him. But I doubt it.
Well, good luck, man. And, look, don't be too hard on Rimmer. You got the break, he didn't. He's just bitter.
D'you know what that break was? At the age of seven, one of us was kept back a year, the other one wasn't. (Gestures to knot on his arm stitches) Put your finger on that, would you, Skipper? (Tugs sharply on thread and breaks it)
And that's the only difference? Rimmer went down a year, and you stayed up?
Ace (delivering the surprise): No. I was the one who went down a year. By his terms, he got the break. But being kept down a year made me. The humiliation...being the tallest boy in the class by a clear foot. It changed me, made me buckle down, made me fight back. And I've been fighting back ever since.
While he spent the rest of his life making excuses.
Maybe he's right. Maybe I did get the lucky break.
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