“Cassandra”
In this episode: Arnold Rimmer (4), Dave Lister (4), Holly (1)
Have you figured a way to get us out of here, Hol?
I have actually, Dave. I've devoted all my run-time to looking for a loop-hole in the prison regs. I think I've come up with something that means you can serve your entire two-year sentence in just fourteen weeks.
Ah, Brilliant! What have I got to do?
Become a dog.
Lister [about their two-year prison sentence]: It's only two years; what, with good behaviour, it'll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you were first born, then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past!
It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging.
[Lister has signed up for the Canaries]
What have I signed up for?
In the 19th century, when miners went down a pit: they'd lower a canary down first, in a little cage. [...] And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the canary did?
Complained to the Foreman?
It died, Listy! The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous, unpleasant and most smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive. Then they'd know if it was safe to send in the important people. [...] How come you've never heard of the canaries? They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them?
When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around; d'yknow what I'm saying? It's like playing Golf; I concentrate on my grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side!
The Canaries! You know what they say it's supposed to stand for? Convict Army, Nearly All Retarded Inbred Evil Sheepshaggers! They haven't got an X chromasone to share between them!
Smeg. It gets worse as well.
(Laughing) Worse! Go on!
I've signed you up too.
[Breifing the Canaries] We've located a ship, the SS Silverberg, buried at the bottom of an ocean moon. A remote probe has come back with no signs of a crew; no bodily remains, no skeletons, zip. we want you guys to go on board and find out why. [...] It's inconcievable a ship like this could be sent out without a crew. So whatever devoured the crew, bones and all, might still be there so... be careful.
All the Canaries will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer --
YES!
-- who will be dead in twenty minutes.
If the future is all worked out, horoscopes all that stuff . . . It means we're not responsible for any thing we do. It means we're just actors sayings lines in a script written by somebody else. I don't want to believe that. I want to believe I'm in charge of me own life. Me own destiny.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red Dwarf pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
