“Back to Reality”
In this episode: The Cat (5), Arnold Rimmer (4), Dave Lister (4), Kryten (4), Holly (1)
Question which occurs: if this ocean is supposed to be teeming with new lifeforms, where are they all?
What are you implying?
No implication intended, sir.
Yes, there is. You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there, aren't yer? Some kinda gigantic weird pre-historic leviathan who's porked his way through this entire ocean.
That's one option.
Any alternatives?
None that occur.
This venom -- are we safe in here?
It penetrated the hull of a class D space corps seeding ship. In comparison, we're a sardine tin.
It's coming straight for us.
There's only three alternatives: it thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate.... It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we persuade him we're not that kinda oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.
To get diddled by a giant squid on a first date? Think how I'd feel in the morning!
Don't fish swim south for the winter?
No, sir. That's birds.
Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breathe?
Why would a haddock kill itself? ...Why am I even asking that question?
I know that, emotionally speaking, this isn't the news you want to hear right now. But there's a blob on the sonar scope the size of New Mexico and it's heading your way.
I think our friend the Suicide Squid is about to put in an appearance.
Where is it, precisely?
Directly above you. Two thousand fathoms and diving.
Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in and you have to go and give us news like that. You couldn't have lied?
I was lying. It's only one thousand fathoms.
Kryten, open the next one.
Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around, because almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy who's gonna take any crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around, let's establish if I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around or if I'm the kind of guy who gets all uptight about being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy you are.
All I said was open the next one.
What the hell happened to my teeth? I could open beer bottles with my overbite!
No, no! I don't want to be Duane Dibbley!
So this is really me? A no-style gimbo with teeth the Druids could use as a place of worship?
[reading] "Vote Fascist for a Third Glorious Decade of Total Law Enforcement"?
[reading] "Be a Government Informer. Betray Your Family & Friends. Fabulous Prizes to be Won"?
Halt or I will fire.
[in pursuit] Move, Voters!
[Grabbing Billy Doyle-Rimmer] Move an inch and I'll crush every bone in your body.
You helped an enemy of Democracy escape. She was stealing an apple of the people.
[flashing ID] Bullet. Cybernautics.
That's traffic control. Kneel, Voters! You are under sentence of death.
[to Sebastian-Lister] Come out of the shadows, Voter.
What's the beef? Did she steal your lunch box?
M... mm... many apologies, Voter Colonel. Had I known it was you... [stands to attention and averts his gaze] forgive me.
You know me?
Of course, Voter Colonel.
Who am I?
You are Colonel Sebastian Doyle, Section Chief of CGI, Head of the Ministry of Alteration.
Remind me a little: what do we do at the Ministry of Alteration?
You... change people, Sir.
In what way?
You change them from being alive people, to being dead people. To purify Democracy.
Purify?
[proudly] No one has done more to purge the ballot boxes than the Voter Colonel.
So why has he been away for 4 years then?
Excuse me, Voter Colonel, but is this some sort of test?
Answer him.
The rumour was that you had grown weary of your glorious duties and had gone away in secret to renew yourself.
This is a nightmare! I'm on the run from the Fascist Police with a murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a Bri-Nylon shirt!
We could all put our heads together and the bullet could go down the line!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red Dwarf pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
