Arnold Rimmer quotes from Red Dwarf

Rimmer

Kryten, you have a real gift. You make things that are really, really complicated sound really, really complicated.

Rimmer

Are you saying I am a resentful person? I really resent that!

Rimmer

Oh, great. Not only am I dead, I don't exist, either! Thanks a lot, God!

Rimmer

[upon reading the results of his latest Astro Navigation exam and fully expecting to fail] CAN YOU NEVER EVER SUCCEED AT ANYTHING, YOU USELESS RANCID CANCEROUS SACK OF SICK?!

Rimmer

You knew that I was going to cock this up, so you cocked it up for me?

Rimmer

That's not a man, that's Lister!

Rimmer

You’re him off the Bible, aren’t you?

Rimmer

(after Lister wheels away his chair into the rear wall) Right, abusing the furniture. It's all going down [into his report book].

Rimmer

We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Apart from pain. And maybe humiliation and obviously death. And failure. But apart from fear, pain and humiliation, failure and the unknown and death we have nothing to fear but fear itself. Who’s with me?

Rimmer

Act like a God? You scarcely mastered human.

Kryten

(Speaking to the skeletal crew) Well, here they are.

Rimmer

(Enters and bows) Carmita...(Sees the skeletons and stays in his bow, jaw agape)

Lister

Well...it's a bit difficult to know what to say. Isn't it, Ace?

Kryten

Well, isn't anybody going to say, "Hello?"

Lister

(To Rimmer) I think the blonde one's giving you the eye.

Kryten

Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted. I'll just go and fix some tea. (Exits)

Cat

(To the skeleton of Tracy) Hi, baby!

Rimmer

I don't believe this.

Lister

Be strong, Big Man!

Rimmer

Our first contact with intelligent life in three million and two years and it's the android version of Norman Bates.

Cat

Come on, guys. So they're a little on the skinny side.

Lister

Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time or place to say this but my mate, Ace, here is incredibly, 'credibly brave!

Rimmer

Smeg off, dog food face!

Lister

And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends!

Rimmer

I'm warning you, Lister!

Kryten

(Noticing the silence) Well, is anything the matter?

Rimmer

Anything the matter? They're dead.

Kryten

Who's dead?

Rimmer

(Pointing to the skeletons) They are dead. They're all dead.

Kryten

My God! Well, I was only away two minutes!

Rimmer

They've been dead for centuries!

Kryten

No!

Rimmer

Yes!

Kryten

Are you a doctor?

Rimmer

You've only got to look at them. They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget! [The "Mc" is edited out of all American broadcasts]

Kryten

Well, what am I going to do? I'm, I'm, I'm programmed to serve them.

Lister

I think the first thing we should do is bury them.

Kryten

You're that sure they're dead?

Rimmer

(Exasperated) Yes!

Kryten

(Indicating the skeleton of Anne) What about this one?

Rimmer

There's a simple test. (To the skeletons) All right, girls, hands up, those of you who are alive.

Probably not serious, don't panic.

Rimmer

Well, if it's not serious when your genitals can wander off on their own, I'd like to know what is!

We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July & August fool. Yes, that's right... I am Queeg.

WHAT??!!

Queeg never existed, it was me all along.

WHAT??!!

Wheeze of the week, mate!

WHAT??!!

"Going around in circles for 14 months." "Getting all my information from The Junior Colour Encyclopedia of Space." The respect you have for me is awesome, innit?

Lister

Are you tellin' me you staged the whole thing??

(in Queeg's voice) That's right, suckers! (in his normal voice) And the moral of the story is... appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!

Lister

I HATE snakes, they freak me out TOTALLY, snakes. They are my all time second worst fear, guy.

Rimmer

What's your first?

Lister

[opens the bin to reveal an enormous salivating alien monster] This.

Kryten

What about the Space Corps Directive, which states, "It is our primary overriding duty to contact other life-forms, exchange information and, whenever possible, bring them home"?

Rimmer

What about the Rimmer Directive, which states "Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family"?