“Meltdown”
In this episode: Dave Lister (8), Arnold Rimmer (6), The Cat (5), Kryten (4)
Whoa, whoa, whoa! They're bringing someone out! They're tying him to the stake.... It's Winnie the Pooh!
What?
Winnie the Pooh, I'm being serious! He's refusing the blindfold.... They're lining up in front of him....
[gunshots]
....That's something no man should ever have to see...
What do you think these guys are gonna do to us?
Lister Whatever it takes to find out about the paddle.
Hey, if you mean torture, then say the word 'torture'. I can take it!
OK, they may torture us.
Ohhhhhh, torture...!
What's your name, soldier?
His name's Ghandi, sir. Mahatma Ghandi.
Well, get him out of that damn nappy and into a uniform.
This is Mr. Noel Coward, sir.
Delighted to meet you, dear boy.
Shut up!
Who is this guy?
Caligula's a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother, both his sisters and ended up eating his son.
Hey, a little advice, bud. We all feel a little peckish after making love, but most of us settle for pizza.
[Rimmer tells Lister of his great "victory" leading the good droids against the fascist droids.]
How many survived?
Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, roundabout: none of them.
So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?
You make it sound so negative, Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.
No it isn't, pal. You're still here!
[in a squeaky voice, after Lister swallowed and then spat out his light bee] My God, that was disgusting!
What now?
Well, I suggest we start to run, sir. I suggest we ambulate as fast as the local gravity will allow.
Why?
Because of them, sir.
Sir?
Very well. Rasputin, bring in the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers.
He's a transvestite?
Yeah!
With those hips?!
What's it made of?
Wood. It's kind of an inverted L shape made of wood.
Does it have a kind of rope motif?
There is a kind of noosey theme to it, yeah!
It's gallows! Look if it's gallows then say it's gallows! I can take it!
Ok! It's gallows!
Waah! They're building the gallows to hang us!
Look man, don't panic. We're gonna escape.
How?
Just...hijack the guards when they come in, nick their uniforms and stroll out.
Are you insane? Do you seriously expect me to wear grey out of season? I'd rather hang.
Hang on, hang on. Something's happening. Some kind of parade or drill but...
But what?
Hang on. These guys aren't Nazis...they're all wearing different period costumes. There's one looks like Al Capone, there's another like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon. Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place. Oh my God, there's James Last! I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection.
What are they doing?.
Well, just lining up in ... in some kind of firing squad. Whoa, Whoa! Hang on, hang on. Someone's being brought out, they're tying him to a stake. (looking horrified) It's Winnie the Pooh.
What?
Winnie the Pooh, I swear! He's refusing the blindfold.
They're tying Winnie the Pooh to a stake?
...That's something no one should ever have to see.
[Rimmer tells Lister of his great "victory" leading the good droids against the fascist droids.]
There are always casualties in war, gentlemen, otherwise it wouldn't be war. Just a rather nasty argument with a lot of pushing and shoving.
So how many survived?
Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, roundabout: none of them.
So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?
You make it sound so negative, Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished!
No it isn't, pal. You're still here!
I brought about peace! Peace, freedom and democracy!
Yeah, Rimmer, right, absolutely. Now all the corpses that litter that battlefield can just lie there, safe under the knowledge that they snuffed it under a flag of peace, and can now happily decompose in a land of freedom. Ya smeghead.
[Lister swallows Rimmer's light bee]
Sir! What are you thinking of?
It's okay. He'll come out in a couple a days, and he'll have been through what he put us through. Does anyone fancy a vindaloo?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red Dwarf pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
