“The Last Day”
In this episode: Kryten (9), Dave Lister (7), Arnold Rimmer (5), Hudzen (4), Holly (2), The Cat (1)
I used to be in the Samaritans.
I know. For one morning.
I couldn't take any more.
I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!
Well, it's not my fault everyone chose that day to jump out of buildings! It made the papers, you know. "Lemming Sunday," they called it.
At least he gets 24 hours notice, that's more than most of us get. Most of us get "Mind that bus!" "What bus?" "Splat!"
Is it me or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic...
We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone please tell me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?!
Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!
It's alright sir, he's buffing he's programed not to harm humans.
Ah, 'scuse me. Alright miladdo the party's over. I had about as much of this as I'm goona take. It's no good standing there with your chest and silly oiled nipples; doesn't impress me one bit. Now I don't know were you came from, and frankly I don't much care, but if you don't skidaddle pronto, you're going to see a side of me you won't much like.
Whats he gonna do, drop his trousers?
He's an android. His brain couldn't handle the concept of there being no silicon heaven.
So how come yours can?
Because I knew something he didn't.
What?
I knew I was lying. No silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?
I never had a mum either.
Well, you can all have mine. Everyone else did.
Oh my goodness...Oooh...Oh, my head...what happened to me? Damage control report. (He pulls a slip of paper from a slot in his chest and reads it) "Dehydration Level: 45%. Recall of previous evening: 2%. Embarrassment Factor: 91%?! Advised repair schedule: Reboot startup disk, offline for 36 hours and replace head." Boy, what a night!
Is this the human value you call...friendship?
Don't give me that Star Trek crap, it's too early in the morning.
How do you take the safety catch off on this thing, Mr David? (Holding up bazookoid)
The one on the back - at the side.
The blue switch?
No, the orange one!
I can't see an orange switch. There's a red switch here...
No, don't touch the red switch! That's the dismantler!
Well, to coin a phrase: Whoops!
Time's up, tin can!
Don't be shy, boys, you can't all die at once!
See you in Silicon Heaven!
It doesn't exist!
What doesn't exist?
Silicon Heaven! There's no such place!
No such place as Silicon Heaven?
That's right! The whole place is a big con!
No such place as Silicon Heaven?
No!
Then where do all the calculators go?
They just die.
Calculators just - die? No such pl...need...to...think...
A metaphysical dichotomy has caused this unit to overload and shut down. Divadroid International would like to apologise for any inconvenience this may cause. A credit note will be forwarded to your company immediately.
What happened?
He's an android. His brain couldn't handle the concept of there being no Silicon Heaven.
So how come yours can?
Because I knew something he didn't.
What?
I knew I was lying. No Silicon Heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go? (he and Lister fistbump)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red Dwarf pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
