Sandi Toksvig quotes from QI

Sandi Toksvig

He was probably dead for 40 years before somebody came up with it.

Alan Davies

Oh, like Jesus.

Psst, I think Jeremy is listing swear words.

Jeremy Clarkson

I'm way past twenty.

Sandi Toksvig

Are you, darling?

Jason Manford

Press the red button now to see what they are.

Sandi Toksvig

What are “Spoon Licker”, “Doorway Sniffer”, “Sausage Swiper” and “Meat Hook”?

Josh Widdicombe

Is that how you refer to us four? [Laughter] If so, name names.

If you'd had to describe us, Sandi, which one of us would be the “Sausage Swiper”?

Matt Lucas

[presses buzzer]

Sandi Toksvig

I was being so careful...

Sandi Toksvig

How do you feel?

Phill Jupitus

[strained voice] Glastonbury. 2000...

Sandi Toksvig

[Quoting NewAge bullshit generator ] “Hidden meaning transforms unparalleled abstract beauty”.

Phill Jupitus

“It's a Coldplay B-side, isn't it?”

Sandi Toksvig

What's the worst noise in the world?

Phill Jupitus

I think I mentioned it before today: That would be Coldplay B-sides.

Sandi Toksvig

There were three divisions for swimming in my school: A, B and C. I was in F.

Alan Davies

F for floating?

Matt Lucas

It's cool but not as cool as Kanye.

Cariad Lloyd

It's cooler than Kanye.

Sandi Toksvig

I thought Kanye is something you cure with Yoghurt.

Sandi Toksvig

What am I an inch and a half taller than?

Jimmy Carr

The cast of Time Bandits.

Alan Davies

Three is the magic number

Sandi Toksvig

Three is the magic number. Well, so they say, I've never tried.

Sandi Toksvig

What can we do about the international poo shortage?

Colin Lane

So it's just animal number two's?

Sandi Toksvig

Yes...

Colin Lane

So we can't do out bit? [Gets up to go outside]

Sandi Toksvig

I don't know about Australia, but they have laws, here.

Colin Lane

[Sits back down] And I thought you were going to be different.

Sandi Toksvig

I am different, but you haven't looked closely enough.

Sandi Toksvig

Who has green sponge balls?

Spongebob Square Pants

Sandi Toksvig

Aw...

Sandi Toksvig

That's why you're sitting over there...

Sandi Toksvig

And finally, a male black widow spider and a female black widow spider just finished having sex. What happens next?

Ross Noble

Tiny cigarette.

Sandi Toksvig

There a some fantastic places in Newfoundland. Conception Bay South...

Jimmy Carr

Conception Bay South? Yeah, that's what I call it, she doesn't like it. She thinks it's too formal. 'Come on love, let's have a look at Conception Bay South.'

Clive Anderson

What about Conception Bay North?

Jimmy Carr

Well, that's a special treat for birthdays.

Sandi Toksvig

Right, my question is, who invented this?

Alan Davies

Isn't it Winston Churchill?

Jimmy Carr

You were so epically wrong there, the buzzer didn't even went off.

Sandi Toksvig

I want it to be Winston Churchill.

Clive Anderson

We normally call it Newton's Balls, don't we?

Jimmy Carr

I think Newton's Cradle would be…

Sandi Toksvig

I think Newton's Cradle…

Clive Anderson

I'm afraid I went to a rougher school than you.

Sandi Toksvig

I think, if Newton had that many balls, it's no wonder he discovered gravity.

Sandi Toksvig

What is the best job for a beetle?

Cariad Lloyd

Drummer, cause you'd still be alive.

Sandi Toksvig

I am giving you an extra point, even though it's horribly wrong.

Holly Walsh

Is it careers advisor?

Sandi Toksvig

Did you have one of those?

Holly Walsh

Yeah, they told me to be a horticulturist.

Cariad Lloyd

You had a nice careers advisor. Mine was like “ Sainsbury's that way, good luck”.

Nish Kumar

Mine told me “Prison”.

Sandi Toksvig

Working or serving?