Jimmy Carr quotes from QI

Jimmy Carr

You know if a spider lays its eggs underneath your skin, think about how much worse it'd be if it was a goose.

Jimmy Carr

I can't see that bird surviving for much longer if it's doing impressions of the chainsaw that's coming toward it.

Jimmy Carr

I think that the actual secret of doing it is to do it really quick and if it gets caught on anything... just jab it.

Jimmy Carr

Here's the thing about Hitler: History judges him very harshly. But he did kill Hitler.

Jimmy Carr

The awkward thing about midlife crises is I've had some friends that have gone through them recently. They've left their partners, gone out with much younger women and bought sports cars. And the most difficult thing is pretending to my other half! "Aw, that's terrible! Isn't it sad?"

Jimmy Carr

Very base level Kamasutra, there.

It is actually possible for the ball sack to be stretched beyond recognition.

Jimmy Carr

By a woman scorned?

Stephen Fry

I don’t know, it’s like occupational therapy in an old people’s home. Oh, hello, what have you got here?

Jimmy Carr

[Reading his board.] ‘Put smarties tubes on cats legs make them walk like a robot’.

Stephen Fry

Brilliant. That is absolutely wonderful. He’s used all his letters.

Alan Davies

That is unbe-fucking-lievable. It makes sense. They would walk like a robot. It’s an idea. It’s like giving people an idea.

Bill Bailey

It puts this completely to shame. [He holds his board up. It says, ‘gay elf romp’.]

Alan Davies

I can’t even imagine how you managed to do that!

Stephen Fry

No, I’m sure you can’t, Alan.

Jimmy Carr

It does work, actually. It’s a lovely way to spend an afternoon.

Jimmy Carr

I'll tell you what though, the only indigineous mammals in Australasia are marsupials.

Stephen Fry

They're therefore not mammals.

Sean Lock

Did you not know that they're cats! Hahahaha, Hahahaha, they're cats! All of them!

Jimmy Carr

I'm sorry for trying to be clever. Sorry, back to the knob gags.

Alan Davies

What's your favourite bit of the koala. Do you like the hands, the little hands?

Jimmy Carr

I like the cock.

Stephen Fry

Oh stop.

Jimmy Carr

Told ya.

Jimmy Carr

Now, this is a team game, isn't it? I'm on his team, is that right?

Jimmy Carr

This is my team mate here. We're killin' them, aye? [He swears using his hand at Sean and Alan]. Come on! You want some?

Sean Lock

Yes, but, later on, when we go out, people will talk to us.

Stephen Fry

(sing-song, about 10 Downing Street) There's always someone in there!

Jimmy Carr

Well why did you sing that?! It was a little bit scary! There's always someone in there!

Stephen Fry

I wanted to frighten you.

Jimmy Carr

I am frightened. I think someone might be under the desk!

Stephen Fry

Sadly, nothing else is known of Mr. Chicken.

Jimmy Carr

He was a philatelist, and he worked in a bank. And he used to sail. So there's three facts, so I should get some points for those. Little-known facts, but true.

I think he also played the tenor banjo.

Sean Lock

He had eleven knuckles!

Alan Davies

And, in fact, was actually a chicken.

Stephen Fry

[exasperated] So, the most biographed man in the 18th century...

Alan Davies

Something’s 98% water, I know it is.

Jimmy Carr

Is it the sea?

Stephen Fry

One in thirty million people risk dying by being murdered, the risk of choking to death is one in a hundred and twenty million, the risk of dying by tea cosy is one in twenty billion. There is, however, a one in two hundred and fifty seven thousand chance of you dying today during this programme.

Jimmy Carr

… What have you got planned for Round Two?