Matt Lucas quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

What's the most dangerous thing you can find in doctors waiting rooms?

Matt Lucas

Ah, a copy of the Daily Telegraph.

Stephen Fry

It sounds odd, but a bear can't be wiped down.

Alan Davies

You've tried.

Stephen Fry

You can, obviously...

Alan Davies

You've wiped down a lot of bears, come on Stephen.

Matt Lucas

Now we know why it's called Winnie the Pooh

Ross Noble

It's really called Winnie the Filthy Shit.

Matt Lucas

That we have less filings, maybe that's because we don't go to the dentist at all.

Stephen Fry

Fewer fillings.

Matt Lucas

Fewer fillings...

Stephen Fry

I'm being very silly.

Matt Lucas

Stephen?

Stephen Fry

Yes?

Matt Lucas

Knock, knock.

Stephen Fry

Who's there?

Matt Lucas

To.

Stephen Fry

To who?

Matt Lucas

No, it's "To whom?".

Alan Davies

My favourite one from the Spanish Inquisition was, they'd put a pole up your anus and they put it in such a way that it avoids all your vital organs and comes out by your shoulder and then they just leave you there for people to look at.

Matt Lucas

I like the first part of that.

Stephen Fry

The one thing you could do at home is you could do is take a foaming beer and then pop a bit of earwax into the head of your foaming tankard and then the foam should collapse.

Matt Lucas

If you're watching TV, don't listen to this man.

Sandi Toksvig

What are “Spoon Licker”, “Doorway Sniffer”, “Sausage Swiper” and “Meat Hook”?

Josh Widdicombe

Is that how you refer to us four? [Laughter] If so, name names.

If you'd had to describe us, Sandi, which one of us would be the “Sausage Swiper”?

Matt Lucas

[presses buzzer]

Sandi Toksvig

I was being so careful...

Matt Lucas

It's cool but not as cool as Kanye.

Cariad Lloyd

It's cooler than Kanye.

Sandi Toksvig

I thought Kanye is something you cure with Yoghurt.

Sandi Toksvig

Well, what is the full name of the one where the murder took place, then?

Matt Lucas

We were thinking of the one where it took place! We don't have to say the name of this train. We just, all of us, demand the points!

Matt Lucas

: Is there WiFi or 3G on the Orient Express? That, for me, is generally the...

Romesh Ranganathan

That's what they meant: There's no WiFi. It is murder on the Orient Express.