Rich Hall quotes from QI

Rich Hall

I had a rolled-up ball of socks. And a hamper all the way across the room. And I just went like that … [imitates a casual throw] … right? Hits the wall, bounces off the ceiling, off this wall, back across that wall, right into the hamper. From, like, forty feet away. I would go back and watch that again.

Rich Hall

I would like to travel ahead in time, but only by two seconds. I could go 'gesundheit', and you [points at Stephen] would sneeze.

Rich Hall

For five million pounds, I'd want a map that showed me looking at the map I'd just bought.

Rich Hall

Well, the truth of the matter is many of these elephants volunteered. They came from small towns, there was no future, no … no circus coming through town …

Rich Hall

Every day is a Bank Holiday in America.

Rich Hall

Who comes up with this shit? So you're telling me there's a second moon?

Stephen Fry

There... I am!

Jeremy Hardy

"Blue moon, I saw you standing alone." Not "with a small friend."

Rich Hall

So why is there, uh... why is there not one romantic song with the word "Cruithne" in it? Why not "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky," or "Cruithne River," or--

Alan Davies

No one can see it--

Stephen Fry

BECAUSE IT WAS DISCOVERED IN NINETEEN-NINETY-[bleep]-FOUR!

Rich Hall

9 years! 9 years to write a romantic song with the word ‘Cruithne’ in it.

Stephen Fry

In the last 9 years, no romantic songs, as far as I know, have been written at all. Have they?

Alan Davies

Bryan Adams wrote one.

Stephen Fry

Oh, please!

Bill Bailey

‘Everything I Do, I Do It For Cruithne?’

Stephen Fry

How many planets are there in the solar system?

Alan Davies

Nine.

Stephen Fry

Oh, sorry. Not again. [He holds up the ‘nine’ card.] Nine. Not the right answer, another forfeit of 10, I’m afraid. I’m afraid the answer is actually eight.

Alan Davies

I’m gonna write them down. You carry on.

Stephen Fry

Alright. Okay.

Alan Davies

Mars.

Stephen Fry

Yes, Mars is one.

Alan Davies

Pluto.

Stephen Fry

No.

Rich Hall

Here we go again.

Alan Davies

Pluto is a planet! It was discovered in the 1930s. It was the most recent planet to be discovered.

Stephen Fry

It was discovered by Clive Tombaugh in 1930 exactly, yes.

Bill Bailey

It’s a collection of gasses, it’s not actually...

Stephen Fry

It’s not a planet. By no criterion by which planets are judged could Pluto be said...

Alan Davies

It’s really, really big and it goes around the sun!

Stephen Fry

Yes, but it’s not really that big at all. It’s tiny.

Alan Davies

Well, that’s why it took so long to find! Don’t be hard on it cos it’s small!

Stephen Fry

… which means they would in fact have recently visited Madrid, which is "MAD" … Bossy-er City, Louisiana …

Rich Hall

Oh!

Stephen Fry

… which is "BAD"—you're from Louisiana, aren't you?

Rich Hall

It's called Bossier City. [He pronounces it "Bojer".]

Stephen Fry

Bossier! I beg its appallingly insignificant pardon.

Stephen Fry

There’s a little bit of Alan in me. Is there any Alan in you?

Rich Hall

No. No.

Alan Davies

Do you want some?

Stephen Fry

Phil, one for you, I think. What goes ‘woof, woof, boom’?

Suicidal corgi. The next Norwegian entry for the Eurovision Song Contest? [Singing.] “My heart goes woof, woof, boom.”

Rich Hall

A terrierist!

Alan Davies

Eight hundred Americans die in a McDonald's every year.

Rich Hall

Which one? Best to avoid that one.

Stephen Fry

[To Rich Hall on the American meaning of Biscuit] You have Biscuits and Gravy, don't you? Tell the ladies and gentlemen what that is.

Dara Ó Briain

Oh, Traveller from an arcane land.

Stephen Fry

(As if speaking to a young child) What do your people eat?

Rich Hall

Everything!

Stephen Fry

What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?

Rich Hall

The Pentagon.

Alan Davies

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Jo Brand

No. No.

Stephen Fry

No, not that joke. Why did the mushroom go to the party, Alan?

Alan Davies

Cos he was a fun gi. [The audience groans.] What’s wrong with that joke, then?

Jo Brand

That’s a joke for, like, an imbecile. You know, like nought point seven years old.

Alan Davies

What's brown and sticky?

Jo Brand

Oh, no... I don't kn— yeah, I do...

Alan Davies

A stick.

Jo Brand

Yeah... [Exasperatedly puts her head down.]

Stephen Fry

I'm worried by the audience reaction...

Alan Davies

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

Jo Brand

A stick.

Alan Davies

A stick.

Stephen Fry

Do you have any other jokes where the punchline's "a stick"?

Alan Davies

Loads!

Stephen Fry

Oh, right.

Alan Davies

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?... A carrot.

Stephen Fry

What's red and silly?... A blood clot. [The audience groans, Alan grimaces] Oh, don’t look at me like that, you fucking pig-eyed sack of shit! Don't you do that!

Alan Davies

You've spoiled it. What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry.

Rich Hall

What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

Stephen Fry

I remember the first time I heard my father say the word fuck, my brother and I couldn't believe it. Because we thought we made the word up.

Rich Hall

The first time I said the word fuck, my dad heard me. Walked by my bedroom door and I said "Dad shut the door, I'm trying to fuck in here."