Josh Widdicombe quotes from QI

Josh Widdicombe

Anyone who takes photographs at a concert should be thrown out. Out of the country.

Phill Jupitus

There's just too many double entendres. You pumping custard?

Stephen Fry

Stop it. Are you ready for me to pump the custard?

Phill Jupitus

Yes, I'm ready to pump your custard. [puts his head on the desk]

Josh Widdicombe

This is not how I wanted to go.

Alan Davies

[shouting] It's quite warm there actually. I could feel the heat right there. If had been sitting there, I could have been: [normal voice] I could have been ignited.

Stephen Fry

You could have been covered in hot custard.

Phill Jupitus

I told you, before you did this experiment...

Stephen Fry

Why would you keep a leash on a leech?

Phill Jupitus

Is it a medicinal leech?

Stephen Fry

Yes it is.

Jo Brand

They use them in the NHS today, don't they?

Stephen Fry

Yes, they do. They absolutely do.

You put them on a wound, don't you? And they eat bits that are infected.

Phill Jupitus

No, that's the maggots.

Have I travelled back in time?

Stephen Fry

No!

Phill Jupitus

And migraine headaches are caused by a demon living in your head!

Does it hurt?

Stephen Fry

It doesn't really hurt much, no no.

Phill Jupitus

What do you mean, how'd you know?

Stephen Fry

Well, I'm told it doesn't hurt.

Phill Jupitus

I don't you and your public school ways. "Fry, time for a leeching!"

Alan Davies

"Scrotum!"

Phill Jupitus

"Yes, sir!"

Stephen Fry

It doesn't hurt as much as double...

Alan Davies

"It's time for his leeching."

Stephen Fry

It doesn't hurt as much as Dr. Stavely slamming your dick in a desk, I admit. But - Look, I love to shock you - it's sweet.

Do you remember John Wayne Bobbitt?

Phill Jupitus

Yeah, he went to Winchester.

Stephen Fry

Of course, we remember Bobbitt. His wife severed his...

Alan Davies

Yeah, she cut his penis off and threw it out of the window of a moving car, so it took some finding. But then they sewed it back on and he made some money out of porn films, weirdly.

Stephen Fry

He must have been rather impressed that a penis took some finding was found. He must have thought "Yes"!

That's why they found the right one: that would have been a disaster.

Phill Jupitus

I could imagine him at the line up. "Could I see number 3 again?"

Stephen Fry

You're too used to that program: that's just sick.

Stephen Fry

Who's in charge of all the ants?

Jo Brand

Adam.

Stephen Fry

Very good.

Jo Brand

NO!

Stephen Fry

We were there before you, I'm afraid.

Is it a queen?

Stephen Fry

A queen ant? Of course, that's gonna get a klaxon.

Stephen Fry

What wouldn't you want to get on Valentine's Day?

Alan Davies

Chlamydia.

Stephen Fry

Perfectly reasonable response.

Josh Widdicombe

Is that what VD stands for?

Stephen Fry

Who would bite their arms off to get a leg over?

Josh Widdicombe

[presses his buzzer "Love is all around me", points at himself]

Stephen Fry

You?

Stephen Fry

Even if we hadn't got that one ready, it would reveal what a sad act you are.

Stephen Fry

There is a whole generation of people, if they are channel surfing and see something in black and white, they will never stop to look at it. Which is extraordinary, given that most of the best films ever...

Alan Davies

[incredulously] Not even Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid?

Stephen Fry

Most of the best films ever made were in black and white, it just seems so extraordinary...

Alan Davies

Not even Broadway Danny Rose?

Stephen Fry

I know, I know...Elephant Man.

Josh Widdicombe

Why did you point at me when you said Elephant Man?

Josh Widdicombe

I didn't have many toys when I grew up.

Stephen Fry

Your body is a wonderful toy...

Stephen Fry

In a war between the grass and the grass-eaters, who wins?

Josh Widdicombe

The grass...

Josh Widdicombe

...eaters.

Stephen Fry

You said the grass-eaters? Thank you.

Stephen Fry

At school, if we were going on a dawn raid or something like that, they’d say...

Josh Widdicombe

Sorry?

Stephen Fry

Do a raid on the kitchens and steal jelly and things.

Josh Widdicombe

I forgot you grew up in an Enid Blyton novel. To get your catapult back from the teacher?

Stephen Fry

My dormitory at school had a milkshake club, but we won't go into that.

Josh Widdicombe

It wasn't all like Enid Blyton, wasn't it?

Stephen Fry

People think, you know, sailors fall in love with mermaids, and how can they consummate their relationship?

Alan Davies

Fertilise the eggs, Stephen.

Stephen Fry

Exactly, it’s very simple. She lays her eggs on a rock or something, and you go and fertilise them. What’s the problem?

Phill Jupitus

The sailor has to sail back to his waters where he was spawned, and take the mermaid with him. So he has to go back to, I don’t know, Dorking, find a pond, pop his new fish-wife in there.

Josh Widdicombe

Fish-wife!

Phill Jupitus

She lays her eggs, and then he has to be arrested for indecent public exposure at a boating pond.

Sandi Toksvig

What are “Spoon Licker”, “Doorway Sniffer”, “Sausage Swiper” and “Meat Hook”?

Josh Widdicombe

Is that how you refer to us four? [Laughter] If so, name names.

If you'd had to describe us, Sandi, which one of us would be the “Sausage Swiper”?

Matt Lucas

[presses buzzer]

Sandi Toksvig

I was being so careful...