Sean Lock quotes from QI

Sean Lock

I know a fact about tapeworms. Eight percent of people in this country have tapeworms, which makes them more popular than dogs.

Sean Lock

They walk.

Stephen Fry

I'm sorry?

Sean Lock

Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.

Stephen Fry

Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.

Sean Lock

...they do, they walk. I travelled to Colombia and went to a banana plantation and I was admiring this banana tree said "hold on a minute, what about this patch next to the tree and the man said "the banana trees they walk".

Stephen Fry

The intelligent voices in my head tell me you're absolutely right Sean, they do walk! They walk up to 40 centimetres in a lifetime.

Stephen Fry

There's a village in Nuremburg whose name means "eavesdropper" in German. Now, what did this village provide the whole world with for almost 100 consecutive Christmases?

Sean Lock

War criminals.

Stephen Fry

Oh, dear.

Sean Lock

[starts revolving his arm as though roasting on a spit] You know, the old tradition of roasting a war criminal.... With a glass of sherry... "Cheers, Mr Pumblechook!"

Stephen Fry

God in Heaven! Oh, Lord.

Sean Lock

Compliments of the season!

Stephen Fry

Did they...

Sean Lock

[German accent] "I was obeying orders!" [continues roasting on the spit while drinking deeply from a glass of sherry]

Stephen Fry

[discussing rainbows] In Estonia they believe that if you point at a rainbow, your finger will fall off.

Alan Davies

Oh, for God's sake.

Stephen Fry

I know.

Alan Davies

Estonians aren't stupid people, are they?

Stephen Fry

They're not.

Sean Lock

[holding up his fists] They're very stumpy, though.

Alan Davies

She disguised herself as a man to sneak into the king’s chamber.

Stephen Fry

No. She was just very miffed at not being able to marry.

Sean Lock

You sound like you’re in a school play then. “She disguised herself as a man...!” You’re supposed to be an actor!

Stephen Fry

Have you never seen Jonathan Creek?

Sean Lock

The huntsman spider is the only spider with lungs.

Alan Davies

So you can get it a birthday cake with a candle on.

Sean Lock

They've got eight legs; they'd appreciate a one-man band.

Kylie Minogue

Stephen Fry

Why's that?

Spinning Around

Sean Lock

But I don't think spiders are that into puns.

Stephen Fry

Well, the answer to this question is, it does seem to be classical music. They did an experiment, er, and they found that ...

Who are "they"? Who are "they"?

Stephen Fry

University of Ohio, in this instance, is "they". Or are "they".

Sean Lock

The University of Fuck-All-Else-Better-To-Do.

Formerly the Polytechnic of Fuck-All-Else-To-Do.

Jimmy Carr

I'll tell you what though, the only indigineous mammals in Australasia are marsupials.

Stephen Fry

They're therefore not mammals.

Sean Lock

Did you not know that they're cats! Hahahaha, Hahahaha, they're cats! All of them!

Jimmy Carr

I'm sorry for trying to be clever. Sorry, back to the knob gags.

Jimmy Carr

Now, this is a team game, isn't it? I'm on his team, is that right?

Jimmy Carr

This is my team mate here. We're killin' them, aye? [He swears using his hand at Sean and Alan]. Come on! You want some?

Sean Lock

Yes, but, later on, when we go out, people will talk to us.

Stephen Fry

Sadly, nothing else is known of Mr. Chicken.

Jimmy Carr

He was a philatelist, and he worked in a bank. And he used to sail. So there's three facts, so I should get some points for those. Little-known facts, but true.

I think he also played the tenor banjo.

Sean Lock

He had eleven knuckles!

Alan Davies

And, in fact, was actually a chicken.

Stephen Fry

[exasperated] So, the most biographed man in the 18th century...

Stephen Fry

Do you remember anything he said?

Sean Lock

No, not a word. He said something about calcium, there’s a tree with a funny name, I don’t know. Koalas invented rice. Um, other stuff. He’s like a robot!

Stephen Fry

What do you get when you cross a camel with a leopard?

Jo Brand

You get a fireside rug you can have a good hump on.

Sean Lock

You get sacked from the zoo?

Sean Lock

I got the worst Christmas present ever, ever in my life. My sister gave me a "Grow Your Own Luffa" kit.

Stephen Fry

God bless her!

Sean Lock

It was a clay pot, a bag of earth and five seeds. And I think the clay pot hit her hardest.

Sean Lock

If you're a nun...

Stephen Fry

[appalled] Oh no, don't go there.

Sean Lock

[grinning] I didn't say anything!

Stephen Fry

Oh please.

Sean Lock

It's obviously a reason that in Victorian bathrooms they had articles like that, it's a huge excuse for sexual jollities, isn't it? [gestures] "Oh no, I use it for my back!" It would feel like, you know, like sometimes if you sit on your hand, and it feels like someone else is doing it, it would feel like someone with a stump is playing with it. [makes provocative wagging gesture]

Stephen Fry

Mummy, make the nasty man go away... Very odd.

Stephen Fry

No! Give me that luffa.

Alan Davies

Now you want it.

Stephen Fry

That's going in the art cupboard and you're going in the naughty corner if you're not careful.

Rich Hall

It's going in your penis tin isn't it?

Stephen Fry

You are very bad children indeed.