Clive Anderson quotes from QI

Clive Anderson

Alan, even I can work out that when you know the answer, never give it, cos it’s always the one they’re hoping we’ll say.

Stephen Fry

What begins with A, has six Cs, and no Bs?

Clive Anderson

Is it the Welsh alphabet?

Stephen Fry

What is bottomry?

Clive Anderson

It's the opposite of topiary.

Stephen Fry

What is the commonest material in the world?

Clive Anderson

Jim Davison's.

Stephen Fry

This was at a party given by their graces the Duke and Duchess of Westminster—

Stephen Fry

Oh, no! Come on! No! No! Fair dos! No!

Clive Anderson

The richest man in the country apart from Roman Abramovich.

Stephen Fry

I never penetrated his intimate circle, but …

Stephen Fry

Anyway, Celtic nations but especially Caledonia are rightly praised for their creativity, so name three Scottish inventions.

Clive Anderson

Oh, and you're gonna say they weren't invented in Scotland, are you?

Stephen Fry

I don't know, depends on what you say.

Clive Anderson

Well, the television is always the one that's sort of claimed...

Arthur Smith

D'you know what you should drink with the beating heart of a cobra? This is a dish in China where you get a cobra—and it's brought to the table alive. They then slice it open, rip the heart out, and it's beating on the plate there—you have to chase it round the plate, I s'pose—and then you drink the blood of the snake as the wine.

Clive Anderson

Actually, I ordered the lasagne …

Arthur Smith

I had occasion to hire a theatrical duck, once …

Clive Anderson

A luvvie duck!

In my career, I've had occasion to hire many, many an animal, but the most expensive was a pelican.

Stephen Fry

Was it an enormous bill?

Stephen Fry

Given the right conditions, it's a dangerous, a deadly merciless killer of humans. How?

Clive Anderson

[presses his buzzer]

Stephen Fry

Clive.

Clive Anderson

Lead piping in the billiard room.

Alan Davies

Pregnancy?

Clive Anderson

Pregnancy isn't a disease, Alan.

It would be if Alan got it!

Clive Anderson

It’d be a surprise, wouldn’t it?

Stephen Fry

I’ll give you a clue. It begins with D.

Alan Davies

Death?

Stephen Fry

Doctors don’t treat death.

Stephen Fry

And what are the symptoms of taking E? Do you know, Clive?

Clive Anderson

Um, I don't know, I haven't taken it myself. I've given ecstasy, but not …

Jeremy Clarkson

Animals, insects...

Clive Anderson

Dust mites.

...bits of smashed badgers.

[incredulous] Smashed badgers is coming up there!?

Stephen Fry

There was a time when all the elevator cables were sheared off in the Empire State Building. Do you know about this story?

Clive Anderson

Yeah, there was a giant ape on the side of it.

Stephen Fry

It captures an insect, sucks out its innards completely, and then wraps the empty shell in silk. And then gives it to the female, but by the time the female's unwrapped it, and discovered that as it were her box of chocolates is empty, he's already mated with her and scarpered.

Clive Anderson

[to the audience] Now, don't try this at home!

Alan Davies

That's a really ugly baby.

Clive Anderson

That's not any use! Don't learn that expression. "Really ugly baby." There's never an option to use that in real life.