Jo Brand quotes from QI

Jo Brand

In fact, every woman in the world has got bird flu. But we don't give a shit, we just get on with our lives. Now it's only because a few men have caught it lately that people are going mad about it. "Oh, I've got bubonic plague, but I've still got to do the hoovering."

Jo Brand

Can I just say, I'm so impressed you got a picture of my husband in our fantasy sex kit.

Jo Brand

There's a great story about Conan Doyle, actually. Just for a joke, one day, he wrote a note saying, We are discovered. Flee immediately, and he sent it to five of his friends to see what they would do. And one of them disappeared!

Jo Brand

Neil Kinnock's hair is deeply red.

Jo Brand

though most of it's not on his head.

Jo Brand

I think they had to check them, medically, beforehand because they didn't want a poxy proxy.

Stephen Fry

What is the most boring place in Britain?

Jo Brand

Is it the Big Brother House?

Jo Brand

Can I just say something that's very strange? Because there's some German chewing gum called Spunk, and, um, you do have to be careful you don't swallow it—but in fact, I actually talked about that chewing gum on Clive James's show with you [pointing at Stephen] and Princess Diana! Do you remember? Seriously!

Alan Davies

[wearily] That was a dream. You've got to sort these out.

Stephen Fry

[about woodpeckers' tongues] How does it fit into its mouth, you may wonder? Well, it has to wrap it round its brain and the back of its eye sockets. Funnily enough, woodpeckers are very popular on creationist websites, because they argue that this is such an extraordinary creature designed so fit for its purpose, and so on, that only a designer could have made it, it couldn't have evolved. Apart from everything else, when it moves, sometimes up to fifteen or sixteen times a second it beats the wood to make a hole, which is incredibly fast and generates immense forces—two hundred and fifty times more forces than an astronaut is subjected to. It's a thousand Gs. And it has these extraordinary kind of little muscles and cartilages around its brain to stop it from shattering. [suddenly laughs] If the pecker's got wood, why go for tongue, you may argue! Um … [giggles as everyone stares at him] … but it is pretty astonishing …

Jo Brand

Could we maybe have an offshoot of this program called Quite Unnecessary? Can I be on that?

Jo Brand

When I was a teenager, someone I knew gave their dog LSD …

Stephen Fry

Oh, my Lord!

Jo Brand

… It went to Glastonbury.

Alan Davies

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Jo Brand

No. No.

Stephen Fry

No, not that joke. Why did the mushroom go to the party, Alan?

Alan Davies

Cos he was a fun gi. [The audience groans.] What’s wrong with that joke, then?

Jo Brand

That’s a joke for, like, an imbecile. You know, like nought point seven years old.

Alan Davies

What's brown and sticky?

Jo Brand

Oh, no... I don't kn— yeah, I do...

Alan Davies

A stick.

Jo Brand

Yeah... [Exasperatedly puts her head down.]

Stephen Fry

I'm worried by the audience reaction...

Alan Davies

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

Jo Brand

A stick.

Alan Davies

A stick.

Stephen Fry

Do you have any other jokes where the punchline's "a stick"?

Alan Davies

Loads!

Stephen Fry

Oh, right.

Alan Davies

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?... A carrot.

Stephen Fry

What's red and silly?... A blood clot. [The audience groans, Alan grimaces] Oh, don’t look at me like that, you fucking pig-eyed sack of shit! Don't you do that!

Alan Davies

You've spoiled it. What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry.

Rich Hall

What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

Stephen Fry

What do you get when you cross a camel with a leopard?

Jo Brand

You get a fireside rug you can have a good hump on.

Sean Lock

You get sacked from the zoo?

Phill Jupitus

So I'll have to get into a bath full of spiders?

Jo Brand

You can do it two ways. You can do a graded desensitization, where you're gradually exposed to spiders, or you can do something called flooding, where you just get chucked in with them.

Stephen Fry

This is cognitive therapy, isn't it?

Jo Brand

Well, it's more sort of behavioural therapy really, because it's cheap.

Phill Jupitus

I think I'll settle with just screaming like a girl and running around the house, if that's alright with you.

Stephen Fry

The original stories were quite gruesome. When the ugly sisters tried to slip into the slipper, they cut off their toes and their bunions to try and squeeze in, and the slippers filled with blood.

Jo Brand

They probably got that idea from Trinny and Susannah.

Stephen Fry

What's the difference between table tennis and ping pong?

Jo Brand

In table tennis you serve the ball with a bat, and in ping pong it's launched from the vagina of a Thai woman.

Stephen Fry

Jo, what’s a good way to create the impression that you’ve cleaned the house when you haven’t?

Jo Brand

Just lock the door and kill everyone.