Jeremy Clarkson quotes from QI

Jeremy Clarkson

Every single one of the 247 billion facts on the Internet is wrong.

Jeremy Clarkson

So we can identify them as fools and madmen.

Jeremy Clarkson

It's because if you said you had a herbivore coming round for dinner, the children would be frightened.

Jeremy Clarkson

[To Alan Davies] I know you're a Vegetablist, which is fine. What I don't understand about these is if you actually hit a duck it vaporised it. And apart from licking the lake or the grass there's no nutritional value from an atomised layer.

Stephen Fry

You don't meet many American Jeremys do you? Have you ever met one?

Jeremy Clarkson

No it's too complicated, there's three syllables.

Jeremy Clarkson

I went into a brothel on Saturday.

Stephen Fry

You heard it here first, folks.

Jeremy Clarkson

It's exactly like a motorway service station lavatory.

Alan Davies

Bet that was a welcome break.

Stephen Fry

What colour was the Model T Ford?

Jeremy Clarkson

[Whispering to Alan] Don't say, don't say, don't say...

Alan Davies

Black?

Jeremy Clarkson

Oh.

Stephen Fry

Oh bless him, like a little puppy that runs into a wall.

Alan Davies

You can have any colour, so long as it's black.

Stephen Fry

Oh, he said that even. Even that phrase.

Jeremy Clarkson

Did you know a veal has to have more space to be transported to the abattoir than a human being in the back of an aeroplane.

Sean Lock

...yeah, but to be fair, we have a holiday, they get killed.

Jeremy Clarkson

I had a puffin last week, that's not delicious, but the point of eating it was because I never had one before...

Sean Lock

...have you tried one of my turds?

Stephen Fry

Did you just say what I thought you said? Get out. Out now.

Jeremy Clarkson

D'you know what I had for my starter when I had the whale?

Stephen Fry

With grated puffin?

Jeremy Clarkson

I had a seal flipper, and it looked exactly like a marigold glove filled with wallpaper paste. And it sat and you thought, "Ooh …!" And it tasted exactly like licking a hot Turkish urinal.

Sean Lock

I'm very concerned that you used the word "exactly"...

Stephen Fry

What's the most interesting thing a dog can smell?

[presses buzzer] A dog's dinner?

Stephen Fry

Yes. To a dog that is the most interesting thing a dog can smell.

Alan Davies

Other than that, another dog's bottom.

Stephen Fry

Yeah. Oh.

Stephen Fry

Oh, there you are. Oh, no.

Jeremy Clarkson

My crotch. [laughter] Well, they all do.

Stephen Fry

Can you blame them? They're only flesh and blood...

Jeremy Clarkson

It was my favourite VC winner was a first World War fighter pilot. His name was Ferdinand West, I think. And they were attacked by 7 German planes. In the first, sort of, wave he had his leg shot off - completely off. So he, it was jamming the controls: he took it out and threw it out of the plane, manoeuvred his plane so they could get off some good bursts into the Germans, drove them away, dropped his bombs, landed back at base, apologised for the poor quality of his landing, and then sought medical attention.

Stephen Fry

My great-uncle had his tongue shot off in the war. He never talked about it.

Jeremy Clarkson

Animals, insects...

Clive Anderson

Dust mites.

...bits of smashed badgers.

[incredulous] Smashed badgers is coming up there!?

Stephen Fry

What would you find in the middle of a pearl??

Alan Davies

An oyster.

Jeremy Clarkson

[Whilst audience are laughing] No.

Stephen

[Surprised voice] You find an oyster in the middle of a pearl?!

Jeremy Clarkson

How do you get wheat to mate?

Stephen Fry

Pollination.

Jeremy Clarkson

Yes, well, how does that happen?

Bill Bailey

You turn down the lights…

Alan Davies

Ask the barley to leave the room...

Jeremy Clarkson

I've got a twisted testicle, a hideous skin disease, two slipped disks...

Alan Davies

[singing] …And a partridge in a pear tree!