Phill Jupitus quotes from QI

Phill Jupitus

I wish they'd be a bit more honest—I mean, snap, "With the amount of MSG you've just had, a massive coronary is on the way"!

Phill Jupitus

I clean my knives in a crossbow. Some people say it's foolish. I put them in the hoover and set it on blow, and then shoot them and trap them around the kitchen, as I sit with a plug, bare-wired, at my feet, peeing on it! Gives it a better clean...

Phill Jupitus

[stuffing his face with spaghetti] Can I just say, this is the best quiz I've ever been on.

Phill Jupitus

Ah, time for the controversial auto-erotic asphyxiation round.

Stephen Fry

I'll give you an extra two points if you can tell me the longest fence in the world.

Phill Jupitus

The Great Fence of China!

Alan Davies

It's to keep people off the Great Wall.

Stephen Fry

The answer is that none of them are the odd one out.

Phill Jupitus

What kind of hellish quiz is this? "Which one's the odd one out? None of them! Bahahaaa! Bahahaaa! …"

Stephen Fry

Is that meant to be me? [Phill was impersonating Stephen's braying laugh in his role in Blackadder Goes Forth as General Melchett.]

Phill Jupitus

That's you!

Stephen Fry

Oh, bugger you! I don't sound like that—bahahaaa, bahahaaa …

Stephen Fry

Phil, one for you, I think. What goes ‘woof, woof, boom’?

Suicidal corgi. The next Norwegian entry for the Eurovision Song Contest? [Singing.] “My heart goes woof, woof, boom.”

Rich Hall

A terrierist!

Stephen Fry

Scientists have managed to create a big bar, a huge one ton metal bar, which is just a fraction of a degree above zero.

There's bound to be one scientist, that goes in with the big iron bar one day... [looks around, firmly presses tongue against table] ...Ohhh, not again.

Alan Davies

Which way does water go down the plug-hole in the Northern Hemisphere?

Stephen Fry

Any way you want it to. You can push to go one way or the other, I've tried it.

Alan Davies

[sighs disappointedly] … Yes, that's true.

"Stephen, what are you doing in that bathroom?" [as Stephen] "I'm pushing it to go one way, I'm pushing it to go the other, I'm the master … of the bathroom"!

Alan Davies

This one for everyone... What kind of animal is sacred in India?

Stephen Fry

[growled whisper]: DO NOT SAY COW!

Stephen Fry

DO NOT SAY COW! That is my hint.

Is it the cow?

Alan Davies

What do penguins in the Falkland Islands do when RAF jets fly over?

[In University Challenge voice] Fry, Cambridge!

Stephen Fry

Why shouldn't I strip Alan naked and cover him in gold paint?

Phill Jupitus

You win your Oscar properly like everyone else!

Phill Jupitus

Wouldn't it be great if you walked into a pub with him, though … [points at Stephen] … with Fry on your team? "Yeah, this is Barry from down the road. Yeah, he does look like him." And Fry would be there having to fake it in the pub—"Oh, blimey!"

Bill Bailey

Giving it away by swearing in Latin!

Phill Jupitus

So I'll have to get into a bath full of spiders?

Jo Brand

You can do it two ways. You can do a graded desensitization, where you're gradually exposed to spiders, or you can do something called flooding, where you just get chucked in with them.

Stephen Fry

This is cognitive therapy, isn't it?

Jo Brand

Well, it's more sort of behavioural therapy really, because it's cheap.

Phill Jupitus

I think I'll settle with just screaming like a girl and running around the house, if that's alright with you.

Stephen Fry

[reading from a card] It says here a good cocker would think nothing of cleaning his cock's wounded head by sticking it in his mouth and sucking it clean.

Phill Jupitus

You're watching QI for the Straight Guy!