Ross Noble quotes from QI

Ross Noble

I might be an idiot, but I’m an accurate idiot.

Ross Noble

I think my baby daughter might be a hagfish. Cos that’s nothing. To be honest with you, I’ve got that on my trousers every morning.

Ross Noble

The best one ever is in: have you been to Narrandera? Where they've got the southern hemisphere's 2nd largest playable guitar. They've gone:

Ross Noble

They should have on the extra virgin oil stuff, like, in brackets “May contain slag.”

Stephen Fry

Now, don't play with it. They did ask that no-one else touches it.

Alan Davies

[defiantly] Oh?

Stephen Fry

It's very valuable.

Alan Davies

I was gonna make it go over the desk! [gives in and crawls back to his chair] I can't believe I'm not allowed to play with it.

Stephen Fry

I'm afraid I was given specific 'Alan not to touch' instructions.

Ross Noble

I love the fact that somewhere there's a memo that just says: "Machine gun - for Stephen Fry's use only".

Ross Noble

A circular triangle?

Stephen Fry

Well...

Oh, no, no, no. This is your first time. This sort of thing happens all the time. “It’s a sort of circular triangle.”

Alan Davies

“And it makes a square.”

Ross Noble

It’s not the fact that I’m boggled by that, it’s the fact that I now realise there’s a possibility that you could have a Toblerone-Rolo combo.

[to Ross Noble] Are you speaking English?

Stephen Fry

…Did you just say to him: "Are you speaking English?" Have you never heard a Geordie accent before?

Not coming from something with hair that's never been combed.

Ross Noble

I'd just point out that I'm actually part of this show. I'm not on the screen.

Ross Noble

If you see proper wild dolphins, they've got lumps out of them, and bits missing, and they fight… I just love the idea that people are just going: "Oh, this amazing experience"…

Stephen Fry

…Those serene and mystical and lyrical…

Ross Noble

…When actually it's just like being chucked in with a bunch of wet skinheads.

Stephen Fry

The rhino’s not the least bit aggressive.

Sean Lock

Not a mammal, either.

Stephen Fry

A rhino is a mammal, yes.

Sean Lock

Is it? I thought it was a dinosaur.

Sean Lock

Why’s is called a rhinosaurus then, if it’s not a dinosaur?

Stephen Fry

Because it’s...not.

Sean Lock

What do you mean ‘because it’s not’? It’s called a rhinosaurus. That’s what dinosaurs are called.

Ross Noble

It’s a noceros, isn’t it?

Stephen Fry

Rhinoceros.

Ross Noble

Rhinoceros. Have you been calling it a rhinosaurus?

Sean Lock

Yeah.

Stephen Fry

There’s a problem.

Ross Noble

Of all these [Saturn's] moons, which one is most likely to be the home to Ewoks?

Brian Cox

Would be, um, Titan.

Ross Noble

Titan?

Brian Cox

It's got a thicker atmosphere than the Earth, so you'd need to be furry.

Stephen Fry

This is an optimistic one here. "Welcome to Tower Hamlets - Let's make it..."

Alan Davies

"…out alive."

Ross Noble

There was another slogan, it said: It did happen on Friday the 17th. If you've witnessed it...

Stephen Fry

I've just done voice for them, so that if you have TomTom or Garmin…

Ross Noble

No, you drive along, and it goes: "Turn left. Now, the interesting thing about this particular building…" [His voice is drowned under the audience's laughter and applause. Stephen buries his face in his hands.]

Alan Davies

Did you do it as if you were talking to me? That's the worrying thing. "Left, you moron!"

Ross Noble

I have the key to the city of Port Pirie, in Australia.

Stephen Fry

Do you?

Ross Noble

I was doing a gig, and I was talking to a bloke, turned out he was the mayor. So I went, ‘can I have the key to the city?’ and he went, ‘yeah, alright then.’ So I said, ‘alright then,’ I didn’t want him to back out, I said, ‘where’s your office?’ He says, ‘on the High Street.’ ‘I’ll be down there tomorrow.’ So I turned up, he’d got a shed key and a ribbon and went, ‘there you go.’

Ross Noble

I had a sat-nav, after Port Pirie, and the Nullarbor Plain in Australia, big long…

Stephen Fry

Between Adelaide and Perth.

Ross Noble

Yeah. The longest straight road in the world. And I turned it on and it said, “Drive forward for two days.” And the next bit went, “then turn left.” But the thing was… But the stupid thing was, it was such a long road, I missed the left hand turn!

Stephen Fry

Why did the Spanish Duke of Alba order 7000 pairs of ice skates?

Sean Lock

Cos he was a millipede. Can’t see from that picture. Thousands of legs.

Stephen Fry

Any thoughts as to why he might have ordered 7000 pairs of ice skates?

Sean Lock

He wanted to wipe it out. “I hate ice skating. I’m gonna buy all the boots, and it’ll just die out.”

Stephen Fry

We’re talking the 17th century.

Sean Lock

That’s what I’d do.

Stephen Fry

[Trying to get back on track.] We’re talking the 17th century. The pope...

Sean Lock

I’d do it for showjumping though.

Stephen Fry

Right.

Sean Lock

I’d buy all the horses. And all those funny blocks that look like walls you’ve never seen before. Buy all those. And then showjumping would be finished forever.

Stephen Fry

So you think he was trying to wipe out ice skating as a sport?

Sean Lock

Yes. Yeah. It’d be a good James Bond plot, wouldn’t it? Instead of trying to take over the world, I’m trying to stop showjumping. James Bond’s gotta get me and kill me before...

Ross Noble

The trouble is though, you’ve got all them obstacles. You’ve got all them obstacles in your garden, and you’ve bought the horses. They’re gonna... it’s in their nature. They’re gonna be doing it in the garden. You’ll look out, be entertained...

Sean Lock

Hoisted by my own petard.