Sandi Toksvig quotes from QI

Sandi Toksvig

Sorry, is he gonna get points for something - and we weren't even there!

I know a loads of stuff I haven't said!

Dara Ó Briain

I'm okay, 'cos I came on series two, and I mentioned the triple point of water being zero. And in series three I came back, and they said: "Oh no, we've had e-mails, that actually the temperature is 0.01." Right, so I was one hundredth of a degree off on this. And he docked me points! The following year! So I'm happy, I'll take them.

Stephen Fry

Yes, exactly. What goes around, comes around. [to the other panelists] Don't feel bad. You may get points, next… two years time.

Dara Ó Briain

Some day when you least expect it, when you're sitting and having coffee, Stephen will appear and go: [bows] "Some points".

Stephen Fry

What is the biggest joke ever to come out of Alaska?

Sandi Toksvig

Sarah Palin!

Stephen Fry

I went to the body farm in Tennessee where I suddenly saw 200 never having seen a single one.

Sandi Toksvig

Sorry, the body farm?

Stephen Fry

It’s called the body farm.

Sandi Toksvig

Wow, we have the Body Shop, that’s not quite the same thing, is it?

Stephen Fry

They go on a extraordinary shagging spree. I mean its quite ugly, but I give you the details, because they are pretty amazing: It's semelparous, meaning they only do it once, and it is about 12 hours on the job with one female, before it moves on to the next. It doesn't eat or sleep, but keeps going in a testosterone driven frenzy...

Sandi Toksvig

Oh never mind about him, that poor female. Twelve hours. She must be chafed.

Stephen Fry

To get the necessary energy the male's body has stripped its body of all the nutrients and suppressed the immune system, by the end of a fortnight they are physically exhausted, bald, gangrenous, ravaged by stress and infection and keel over and die. Russell Brand, take note.

Stephen Fry

Do you remember they had rather dodgy slogans? Do you remember any of them?

Alan Davies

"You will get fucked."

Jeremy Clarkson

Yeah.

Jeremy Clarkson

"Would you like to catch chlamydia?"

Stephen Fry

Both cardinally and financially. Well, it wasn't quite as on the nose as that. It was...

Jeremy Clarkson

Herpes?

Stephen Fry

..."Beaver Espania" was one.

Alan Davies

Oh, God!

Stephen Fry

I know. "It's not all sex, sex, sex, there's some sun and sea as well." It really puts you off.

Jeremy Clarkson

You know, there's no symptoms, when you have chlamydia. So, if someone says "how are you?" and they say, "Very well", that means, you almost certainly have it.

Stephen Fry

It's the perfect disease.

Jeremy Clarkson

It is. So I never know how anyone goes to the Doctor's with it. It would be quite interesting.

Stephen Fry

There's no warts, no weeping?

Jeremy Clarkson

No green discharge.

Stephen Fry

He has to be frank about these things.

Jeremy Clarkson

You'll wake up completely fine, go to the Doctor's, you'll have chlamydia. It's baffling and koalas all have it.

Sandi Toksvig

How do you know that?!?!

Jeremy Clarkson

Huge problem in Australia. They've all got chlamydia and they are dying.

Sandi Toksvig

I thought it was an add-on to an 18-30 Australian holiday. "If you don't get lucky, there's always the koalas."

Stephen Fry

Perhaps even more depressing, is that American therapists have a name for the syndrome, which "sudden wealth syndrome" [starts sniggering]. Which is presumably something they suffer from whenever they name a syndrome. They make money by deciding you have a syndrome.

Sandi Toksvig

That's a really boring name for it though.

Stephen Fry

You'd think so, yeah. But these are the same people who say, if you lose someone you love: they die, and you are still...

Danny Baker

Whoa! Wow! Wow, that was so huge.

Sandi Toksvig

That was so impressive.

Danny Baker

That was enormous!

Stephen Fry

The day had to happen.

Jeremy Clarkson

I mean, that was an explosion!

Danny Baker

That's extraordinary!

Stephen Fry

Are you alright?

Jeremy Clarkson

There are people now in California, looking at their seismographs, going "Jesus Christ! What was THAT?!?!"

Danny Baker

What a thing!

Stephen Fry

Is it because I said the word 'die'? Da! Don't do it again...

Alan Davies

So sorry for interrupting.

Sandi Toksvig

It's like Paul Daniels was in the room.

Alan Davies

He was in the bag.

Sandi Toksvig

I don't think it's possible to come on this programme and not discuss the penis.

Stephen Fry

Not while I've got breath in my body, Sandi

Alan Davies

When they say “the police are quizzing the suspect”, that's wrong, isn't it?

Sandi Toksvig

No, that's from inquisitive and inquisition. That's a separate...

Alan Davies

You're good, you've got it. You're on the right chair. [points to himself] Got this cold feeling right there.

Sandi Toksvig

Name the cause of the first mass extinction.

Alan Davies

Oh, now, that is a trick one. You're trying to do us the dinosaur one, but there was the one before that...

Phill Jupitus

After fourteen years, he understands the format.

Sandi Toksvig

Have you been to America?

Yeah.

Sandi Toksvig

Which parts have you been?

All over.

Sandi Toksvig

Well, that doesn't narrow it down for me.

Sandi Toksvig

What is the worst thing that doggers ever experienced?

Rhod Gilbert

Child locks.

Sandi Toksvig

What is the second-best thing to come out of Denmark?

Alan Davies

It's you, Sandi.

Sandi Toksvig

And this week's winner is: Alan!

Sandi Toksvig

If I toot my horn and flash my lamps at exactly the same time, what is the first thing that you will notice?

Ross Noble

You've taken up dogging.

Sandi Toksvig

[After a moment of recovery] Every girl needs a hobby.

Sandi Toksvig

Name a nobleman who invented a hot drink you might enjoy with a hobnob.

Jeremy Clarkson

Coffee Annan.