Colin Lane quotes from QI

Colin Lane

[To Sandi] OK, would it be a problem if you would explain that again?

Colin Lane

I was bullied a school. [Audience awwws] Yes. A kid stole my lunch money and gave me a wedgie and then I decided to give up teaching.

Stephen Fry

Now, in case anybody is wondering, because he hasn't done that much television in Britain, we found Colin in Australia. Colin, in 1994, you won the Perrier award, didn't you? For comedy, at the Edinburgh Fringe?

Colin Lane

Yes.

Stephen Fry

An incredibly distinguished award to win, as [clears throat] I know.

Colin Lane

You haven't won the Perrier award, Stephen?

Stephen Fry

Yes, I did win it.

Colin Lane

Oh, you did?

Stephen Fry

My group was the first to win it ever.

Colin Lane

The first?

Stephen Fry

As it happens, yeah. But, I wonder: who did you beat in 1994? Who came second?

Colin Lane

Uh, there were a few other nominees.

Colin Lane

Uh, I think the main competition came from a little fellow...

Colin Lane

His name was Alan Davies.

Alan Davies

Oh, whatever.

Colin Lane

Alan Davies, yes.

Alan Davies

I went to Melbourne and I stayed at Colin's house and he put the Perrier award on the bedside table.

Stephen Fry

What comes flat-packed and takes 4 months to assemble?

Colin Lane

IKEA, IKEA dining table.

Stephen Fry

We thought of that, I'm afraid. Sorry: [Australian Accent] sorry, Lano.

Stephen Fry

Where is the world's largest branch of IKEA?

Noel Fielding

Wembley?

Colin Lane

Australia?

Stephen Fry

Yes. Which city? You'll be annoyed.

Colin Lane

Sydney?

Stephen Fry

Yes, Sydney. As Melbourner, you'll be properly annoyed...

Colin Lane

[between gritted teeth] Great city. Lovely people.

Stephen Fry

...he said between clenched teeth.

Noel Fielding

I did some gigs there and I played the Opera House. And I was in the Opera House, doing some press. And I looked out of the window thinking, "Where's the Opera House?" Actually scanning the horizon. "Where's the Opera House gone? You're in it, you idiot!"

Ross Noble

You should have gone [looks up] "Whoa!"

Ross Noble

Are you suggesting...?

Colin Lane

I’m not suggesting...

Ross Noble

Are you suggesting that I’m somehow pleasuring a whale?

Alan Davies

A sperm whale’s penis is about 3 metres long.

Stephen Fry

Would you rather get an eMail from a Spanish Prisoner or a Nigerian Prince?

Colin Lane

A Nigerian Prince.

Stephen Fry

Why's that? [slightly under-breath] Please pray.

Colin Lane

What?

Stephen Fry

Why's that?

Colin Lane

I have no reason, I'm using the 50/50 rule.

Stephen Fry

Both are pretty bad options, to be honest.

Colin Lane

Can you trust a Nigerian Prince?

Stephen Fry

Have you never had one of those eMails?

Colin Lane

No, actually, I don't.

Stephen Fry

Oh, of course, because Australian Internet connection is so slow, you probably don't even get eMails. You certainly can't download movies or anything. [Colin gets up to leave] I mean, I love the country: it's not your fault.

Alan Davies

He's only going over there, because that's the only place he can get Wi-Fi.

Colin Lane

[Mocking Stephen] "I love the country, but I do love so much to hang shit on it, as much as I possibly can..."

Stephen Fry

They deliberately use spelling mistakes and use bad grammar. Why would they do that?

Alan Davies

To attract Australians?

Stephen Fry

We already know what Australians are like at losing things. We've known 3 times out of 4.

Colin Lane

What's the most recent result?

Stephen Fry

OK, we'll take 3 out of 4.

Stephen Fry

People forget London was on steam in the same way that it was on gas and is now on electricity, and on the broadband, as it were.

Colin Lane

How do you spell that? Broadband? B-R- Broadband. [Pretends to write in down.]

Sandi Toksvig

What can we do about the international poo shortage?

Colin Lane

So it's just animal number two's?

Sandi Toksvig

Yes...

Colin Lane

So we can't do out bit? [Gets up to go outside]

Sandi Toksvig

I don't know about Australia, but they have laws, here.

Colin Lane

[Sits back down] And I thought you were going to be different.

Sandi Toksvig

I am different, but you haven't looked closely enough.

Sandi Toksvig

What is the opposite of a plant eating sheep?

Sara Pascoe

A sheep that grows plants.

Sandi Toksvig

See, just when I thought what I said was really clear…

Jimmy Carr

You sound like a vegan who's really hungry.

Sandi Toksvig

The opposite of a plant eating sheep would be a…?

Colin Lane

A sheep eating plant.

Sandi Toksvig

Yes!

Sara Pascoe

Well done, Colin.

Colin Lane

[triumphantly basks in the applause of the audience]

Sandi Toksvig

Colin, I said in the beginning the more you get wrong, the more points you get. I don't know if that's...

Colin Lane

I've been on this show six or seven times and I still don't know what the rules are.

Sandi Toksvig

We have all this nuclear waste stinking the place up instead of keeping it all underground why don't we do the opposite, fire it all at the sun and forget about it?

Jimmy Carr

[exasperated] I only just started recycling.

Colin Lane

If we fired it all at The Sun, wouldn't Rupert Murdock be upset?

Sandi Toksvig

Suddenly it seems like a good idea.