Stephen Fry quotes from QI

What about when you fall asleep and you wake up and you've had half your eyebrow shaved off?

Stephen Fry

Then you have bad friends.

I do have hideous friends. Yeah, because that's the other thing that can happen. It's alright. I'm over it. It's fine.

Stephen Fry

Your eyebrows shaved off?

Yeah, you know. Obviously no-one’s had this happen. Yeah, you fall asleep and someone goes 'ooh, this'll be even funnier.' put your hand in a bowl of thing and then voom, voom, you wake up and you look hideous.

Stephen Fry

That's just vile!

[Shrugs.] I'm Australian.

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[Talking about dead bodies.]

Stephen Fry

I went to the body farm in Tennessee where I suddenly saw 200 never having seen a single one.

Sandi Toksvig

Sorry, the body farm?

Stephen Fry

It’s called the body farm.

Sandi Toksvig

Wow, we have the Body Shop, that’s not quite the same thing, is it?

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Stephen Fry

What is this noise, listen up carefully?

[a klaxon goes off]

Stephen Fry

Beginning with "K"...

Jack Whitehall

A klaxon.

[forfeit klaxon goes off - A KLAXON]

[pointing at Jack] Ha, ha!

Stephen Fry

Yes, in a strange sort of way pop just et itself, didn't it?

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[Discussing Giant Panda's conversion from carnivore to herbivore] What happened that the pandas gave up on meat?

Stephen Fry

Evolution and their circumstances, their environs.

Well, it's not working very well for them, evolution.

Stephen Fry

Are you going to get logically cross with them?

It.. It seems...

Stephen Fry

They took a wrong step.

... idiotic. There's like 25 minutes a year when they can have sex and it'll work, if they can be bothered, which they never can. They look Ridiculous! [The rest of the panel object] I'm not saying they're not sweet, but they're not dignified, are they? [...] If you want to make Bungle from Rainbow seem high-status, bring on a panda.

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Stephen Fry

What colour is a red kite?

Blue!

Black.

Red.

White.

Stephen Fry

Oh, thank you Alan.

[The klaxon goes off - RED.]]

Stephen Fry

The thing is, they were named before we had a word for Orange. We just used Red for anything that was Orange as well. We had the word orange for a fruit, but didn't use it for the colour until the 16th Century.

Sara Pascoe

We always think it was the colour that named the fruit, but it was the fruit that named the colour.

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In those days, people would say "What's the name of that red fruit? Oh, the orange"

Stephen Fry

Exactly.

It could have been, not the orange that made it catch on, but the front of a robin. We could all have front-of-a-robin brand mobile phones. Where you go "What colour is it?" "Oh, it's front-of-a-robin".

Stephen Fry

It would be confusing.

"I'm just eating an orange. It's such a bright shade of front-of-a-robin".

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Stephen Fry

Now, in case anybody is wondering, because he hasn't done that much television in Britain, we found Colin in Australia. Colin, in 1994, you won the Perrier award, didn't you? For comedy, at the Edinburgh Fringe?

Yes.

Stephen Fry

An incredibly distinguished award to win, as [clears throat] I know.

You haven't won the Perrier award, Stephen?

Stephen Fry

Yes, I did win it.

Oh, you did?

Stephen Fry

My group was the first to win it ever.

The first?

Stephen Fry

As it happens, yeah. But, I wonder: who did you beat in 1994? Who came second?

Uh, there were a few other nominees.

[Alan exhales]

Uh, I think the main competition came from a little fellow...

[Alan yawns]

His name was Alan Davies.

Oh, whatever.

Alan Davies, yes.

I went to Melbourne and I stayed at Colin's house and he put the Perrier award on the bedside table.

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Can you, like when you drop your phone in the loo you’re supposed to put it in a tub of rice to get the moisture out.

Stephen Fry

Indeed.

Can you do that with cat litter?

Stephen Fry

There’s an episode of Elementary which is based on that very fact.

There’s an episode of Jonathan Creek where I weed in some cat litter. Not I, the character Jonathan.

Stephen Fry

Let’s work backwards as to how that could possibly be a plot line, that you peed...

I just got trapped in a cellar for ages, and I needed a wee.

Stephen Fry

Oh, I see. Well that’s fair enough.

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Stephen Fry

What comes flat-packed and takes 4 months to assemble?

IKEA, IKEA dining table.

[Forfeit klaxon goes off: ANYTHING FROM IKEA]

Stephen Fry

We thought of that, I'm afraid. Sorry: [Australian Accent] sorry, Lano.

[later in the conversation]

Stephen Fry

Where is the world's largest branch of IKEA?

Noel Fielding

Wembley?

Australia?

Stephen Fry

Yes. Which city? You'll be annoyed.

Sydney?

Stephen Fry

Yes, Sydney. As Melbourner, you'll be properly annoyed...

[between gritted teeth] Great city. Lovely people.

Stephen Fry

...he said between clenched teeth.

Noel Fielding

I did some gigs there and I played the Opera House. And I was in the Opera House, doing some press. And I looked out of the window thinking, "Where's the Opera House?" Actually scanning the horizon. "Where's the Opera House gone? You're in it, you idiot!"

Ross Noble

You should have gone [looks up] "Whoa!"

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Stephen Fry

The second largest fish in the world is...?

Is it a big squid?

Stephen Fry

Fish.

A jellyfish?

Stephen Fry

...A fish.

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[On the Korean phrase "When will I eat your noodles?" meaning "When are we getting married?"]

Stephen Fry

[To Alan] But you're already married, so I'm not going to eat your noodles. And you didn't invite me to your wedding.

I did invite you. You didn't come.

Stephen Fry

[facepalms in embarrassment]

Yeah, you know what you were doing? You were filming an episode of Bones.

Stephen Fry

Yes, I was.

I’ve never been so insulted in my life.

Stephen Fry

I’m so sorry. How embarrassing. I’m so sorry.

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[On the Korean phrase "He worked like he was attending the grave of his wife's uncle" meaning "They didn't put much effort into the job"]

KRKatherine Ryan

So, like "shagging the dog"?

Stephen Fry

Not really. Not really, Katherine. Is there something you want to share with us? "Like shagging the dog?"

KRKatherine Ryan

Yeah, if you don't work very hard, you're just shagging the dog.

Stephen Fry

NOT IN THIS COUNTRY, MADAM! IN THIS COUNTRY WHEN WE SHAG A DOG WE KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING! And it is pretty hard work, let me tell you...

Not as easy as it looks, let me tell you that.

Stephen Fry

So, in Canada, you have the phrase "shagging the dog"?

KRKatherine Ryan

Yeah, or "shagging the sheep" if you want.

Stephen Fry

Again, perfectly common practice over here, but not considered a light or unburdensome task.

KRKatherine Ryan

It just means, like, having an easy day.

Stephen Fry

There's a lot I have to learn about Canada...

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[Stephen is about to launch one of his knick-knacks]

Phill Jupitus

There's just too many double entendres. You pumping custard?

Stephen Fry

Stop it. Are you ready for me to pump the custard?

Phill Jupitus

Yes, I'm ready to pump your custard. [puts his head on the desk]

Josh Widdicombe

This is not how I wanted to go.

[shouting] It's quite warm there actually. I could feel the heat right there. If had been sitting there, I could have been: [normal voice] I could have been ignited.

Stephen Fry

You could have been covered in hot custard.

Phill Jupitus

I told you, before you did this experiment...

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Stephen Fry

Thorns are modified branches or stems. Prickles are part of the skin, which is what those are, they come out from the skin.

Ross Noble

So when Bon Jovi sang "Every rose has a thorn..."

Stephen Fry

They were lying.

Ross Noble

...he made an absolute fool of himself. That would be great wouldn't it, if you went to a Bon Jovi gig. "Every rose has a ..." Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! [imitates forfeit klaxon]