Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

If you had a colonoscopy, you know, 24 hours before you would have to take these unbelievably powerful, er...

Bill Bailey

Hallucinogenics?

Bill Bailey

Wow, wowee, ah ha! Oh, I'm being taken by a space octopus!

Bill Bailey

I didn't even touch it!

Stephen Fry

What has 20 legs, 5 heads and can't reach its own nuts?

Jeremy Clarkson

Westlife.

Stephen Fry

Oh, ho-ho-ho. Oh, you're so lucky. You're so lucky, cos I know what the klaxon was.

Jeremy Clarkson

Ha-ha!

Jimmy Carr

I presume the klaxon: shall I?

Stephen Fry

Yeah, go on.

Jimmy Carr

One Direction?

Stephen Fry

Oh!

Stephen Fry

It sounds like a gypsy band, but it's the squirrel kings. What would squirrel kings be?

Bill Bailey

The best squirrel?

Stephen Fry

Well, oddly enough, it's really unfortunate. They squirm around on trees. But sometimes trees exude, a sticky sap. And when the baby squirrels get their tails caught in the sticky sap, their tails get stuck together. And you get this (cuts to image of 5 squirrels stuck together by their tails). Absolutely stuck together.

Jeremy Clarkson

Oh, that's fucking hysterical!

Jeremy Clarkson

Seriously they're stuck together?!?! [cackles]

Stephen Fry

You're so bad! You are so bad! The audience goes "aww"!

Jeremy Clarkson

It's not! It's the funniest thing I've ever heard of! And they're never going to be organised enough to go "Ready, steady" and run off in different directions. They'll never be able to do that!

Alan Davies

Quite difficult to land on a, kind of a bend though.

Stephen Fry

I think you use the straight bits.

Jimmy Carr

That would have been an amazing pilot's last words. 'This is tricky...'

Jimmy Carr

Is Pippa Middleton royal?

Stephen Fry

[haughtily] No. She's not even a weather girl.

Stephen Fry

And they’re not whales.

Alan Davies

They’re people.

Stephen Fry

We know one person who did not escape, don’t we Alan? Who out of his natural curiosity sat down on a chair, tied a pillow to his head with a napkin and watched it, and then suffocated.

Alan Davies

Yes.

Stephen Fry

And his name was? Your old friend...?

Alan Davies

Pliny.

Stephen Fry

Pliny! Hooray.

Alan Davies

It’s always Pliny.

Bill Bailey

What would happen?

Stephen Fry

If?

Bill Bailey

No, I’m just saying, it’s rhetorical. There’s a question. What would happen, Stephen? Discuss.

Stephen Fry

Sheep from the island of Lesbos were transported around Europe and they had foot and mouth disease and they communicated it all around Europe.

Alan Davies

Oh.

Stephen Fry

So lesbian sheep were responsible for an outbreak in 1994.

Alan Davies

Well, you need Jonathan Creek to get that one.

Stephen Fry

Well, there you are. So that's pretty exciting, isn't it?

Bill Bailey

Well...

Alan Davies

No, it's not, really.

How do pigeons have sex?

Stephen Fry

In the normal way. Is this news to you?

Stephen Fry

He also trained himself to insert pencils into his penis. Not only a pencil though: a toothbrush, bristles first!

NO!

Johnny Vegas

Well, what? Every year, while his wife is going "He's impossible to buy for" and he's going "A TRAVEL POUCH! A PENCILCASE! I'M TIRED OF CARRYING THINGS ROUND IN ME PENIS!" "What about a travel wallet?" "NO!"

This is something my husband told me...

Stephen Fry

David Mitchell told you something, and you believe it?

Have you not got a television?

Stephen Fry

Yes, but I’m always on it.

Stephen Fry

Yes, young Brendan.

Is it because [whispers] he may not be real?

Stephen Fry

*gasps*

YES!

Stephen Fry

Oh, poor Phill...

Stephen Fry

But, Phill: that got a klaxon. So that can't be right.

Stephen Fry

It's alright.

Phill Jupitus

Carry on...

Alan Davies

So why is Santa off of the rich list?

Stephen Fry

It's a very simple reason. It's a fictional rich-list. And Santa is real!

Stephen Fry

(to Brendan) Is that your phone?

Yes.

It's Heston Blumenthal!

Stephen Fry

Minus how many points, I'm wondering?

I'm so sorry. I didn't even know I had it on me!

Stephen Fry

Do you know the name for a group of kittens?

Jimmy Carr

A sack of?

Sue Perkins

A puke?