Tom Haverford quotes from Parks and Recreation

Okay. How about some calzones?

Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb and so was that idea.

Seriously?

Tom

This is embarrassing for you.

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[After Ron watches Tammy beat the crap out of Tom for telling the truth]

Tammy! That's enough!

Tammy Two

Hey Baby!

You almost had me...again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic, defenseless little man...

Tom

Hey!

..reminded me what kind of monster you are.

Tammy Two

You're a joke. You're not even a man anymore. Oh, and by the way, last night I faked four out of the seven.

[Chuckles] So did I. Let's go son.

[Ron picks up Tom like a child and carries him out]

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DThe Douche

Alright, switching gears here now, we got Leslie Knope and Tom Harverfart and Ben Wyatt, and they're in the hizzy to talk about an upcoming event called the Harvest Festival.

Well, The Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, and it's where fun meets awesome...meets agriculture. And it is gonna be next month right here in Pawnee and - spoiler alert - it's gonna have the best corn maze ever.

CICrazy Ira

You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you Douche?

DThe Douche

Oh, that's right - to your mom!

[China Joe plays a sound effect of a woman moaning and going "Crazy Ira, clean your room!"]

There's also going to be hay rides.

DThe Douche

"Hey, ride me!" is what Crazy Ira's mom said.

[China Joe plays more moaning sounds]

Tom

China Joe, you are a poet!

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Tom

Hey champ.

Hey champ...ion.

Tom

Listen, you should come out tonight. Club's gonna be dope. Plus, I'm pretty sure you have nothing else going on.

Well, that's not totally true. The owner of the motel I'm staying at said she was gonna screen Hope Floats in the lobby. Asked me if I wanted to watch.

Tom

Yeah...You should probably get out of that. I think she's gonna murder you.

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Tom

Watch the master work it. I'm the Yoda of networking.

Well Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. I mean his powers were more spiritual-

Tom

SHUT UP YOU NERD!

I get it. Okay.

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I am so proud of all of you! You've worked so hard, you're amazing! So I have a surprise. And it is possibly the best thing to potentially ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the universe. Ladies and gentlemen, the world famous Li'l Sebastian!

[Everyone freaks out with excitement]

Well done Leslie! Well done!

[Cut to leslie being interviewed]

Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987 and he was an instant phenomenon. For the next few years, Sebastian was the number one boys name in Pawnee...and the number three girl's name!

[Cut back to the office]

So what am I missing? What's the deal with this pony?

Tom

He's not a pony Ben! He's a mini horse, there's a big difference.

Well then why is he so famous? Does he do something? What does he do?

Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame.

We all need to be very careful. Okay remember, this little guy is 25 now. And he has cataracts in both eyes. He has severe arthritis. Jerry's going to look after him.

Yes I am. We are on the same diabetes medication. Are you my Glucotrol buddy!? Are you!?

Isn't it amazing!

Yeah I just gotta be honest. I don't know what the big deal is.

EEveryone

...

Get out!

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[referring to Li'l Sebastian] If they've been missing this long, they're probably dead.

Tom

Well, if he is, you'll be answering to the whole town. And God.

For the last time--

Jerry, shut up. I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.

Ron, can you tell me why April is mad at me?

Ron, can you tell Andy--

Andy, she's mad at you because you said 'awesomesauce' instead of 'I love you too.' April, he loves you, stop being a child. Tom, everyone knows you're at fault; blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, I know for a fact that you were sucking down funnel cakes when you were supposed to be watching Li'l Sebastian. Now will everyone please apologize to everyone?

[to April] I do love you, you know.

You do?

Yeah. That's what makes the sauce so awesome.

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Tom

I gotta nail the speech, so I brought in an expert: Jean-Ralphio.

Jean-Ralphio

Can I throw something on you, see if it feels good?

Tom

Sure.

Jean-Ralphio

OK, this is what I would do: I would start with a joke. Joke. Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.

Tom

Swingers or Crashers?

Jean-Ralphio

Fred Claus. Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends, quote from Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause...drop the microphone, get out of that bitch.

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Tom

Don't freak out, but Sewage Joe just unhooked your bra with his eyes.

What? Oh boy.

[Leslie walks up to Sewage Joe]

Hi Joe.

What's up Knope? Looking good these days. What do you say? Van's out back, let's roll.

Where is this coming from!?

I don't know. You're putting out some vibe today. It's driving me crazy. Listen, if you're looking for a good time, why don't you come on down to the toilet party? That's what we call the Sewage Department.

Great. Okay.

[Leslie turns around to leave]

Liking the view.

[Leslie looks creeped out then walks away]

Still got it Joe.

No you don't!

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Let’s play a different game. I’m gonna say stuff about me and you say, on a scale from one to ten, how interested in that thing you are. Ready?

Tom

Okay.

I love sunshine and fresh air and early morning walks.

Tom

One.

I’ve read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt.

Tom

One.

I work at the Parks and Rec...

Tom

[Interrupting] One.

That’s what you do.

Tom

One.

I once kissed a girl in college.

Tom

[Smiling] Eight.

Where I graduated summa cum laude in History.

Tom

One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don’t talk about it anymore, please.

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I humbly place before you my East meets West, patented Traeger Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aoli and microgreens on a gluten free brioche bun. Enjoy!

Tom

This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells...I'm guessing.

What is this in here? Saffron?

Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palette!

KKyle

I love the umami flavor.

Stop being so pretentious Kyle!

KKyle

Sorry.

Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less.

Ron, I am so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna have a real challenge.

Tom

Never mind this is better!

Way better!

Mmmmm Mmmhmm!

...Kyle?

KKyle

...Sorry Andy, Ron's is better.

Damn it Kyle! [takes a bite of Ron's burger] Oh my God this is so much better it's crazy!

Turkey can never beat cow Chris. Sorry.

I don't understand. I've tinkered with this recipe for years. Granted it's been along time since I've had a hamburger. [takes a bite of one of Ron's burgers] ...This is better. The commisary will continue to serve horrifying, artery clogging hamburgers.

EEveryone

Yay!

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[Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker]

So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.

...I did. I broke it.

No. No you didn't. Tom?

Tom

Don't look at me. Look at Ben.

What?! I didn't break it.

Tom

Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?

Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

Tom

Suspicious.

No it's not!

If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it.

Liar! I don't even drink that crap!

Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that Jerry!

Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron.

No! Who broke it!?

Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet.

REALLY?!

[Everyone starts arguing]

[being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

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Tom

Traegermeister! You made it!

Yeah I got your email. We need to talk.

Tom

First, grab a Snakejuice. It's 140 proof which means it's 70% alcohol. But don't worry, there's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake.

I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me.

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This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.

[cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie]

You don't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!

[cuts to a drunk Tom]

Tom

I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's in there.

[cuts to a drunk Ann]

I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag.

[cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben]

Baba booey.

[cuts to a drunk Andy]

Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and stuff... macaroni salad...

[cuts to a drunk April]

[rapidly speaks Spanish]

[cuts to a drunk and laughing Jerry who starts coughing then drinks more Snake Juice]

[cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically]

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[Ann walks into her office to find it literally bursting with balloons]

Hey! Ladies and gentlemen for the first time ever at her new part-time job in the health department at City Hall it's Ann Meredith Perkins!

Leslie this is so nice!

[popping out of the balloons] I put poisonous gas in one of these balloons so if any of them pops you may die.

[popping out of the balloons] No April, we would all die. Gasses fill the volume of whatever container they're in. [looking at the camera] School.

We have activities every hour on your first day. 10am: Ann's First Day Waffle Explosion. 11am: the Start Paperwork Jamboree. And then twelve noon sharp is the Inaugural Da-ANNce Party.

Tom

[popping out of the balloons] Welcome to City Hall cupcake!

How many of you are in here!?

There's seven! And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart and he's kind of a grouch.

I have an office mate?

SStuart

[popping out of the balloons] Get these fucking balloons out of here!