Tom Haverford quotes from Parks and Recreation

There's nothing left. It's over!

Chris

Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. Now, come on. Get yourself together and go out there and be the woman you always knew you could be.

[deeply touched] Thank you!

Tom

Who was that?

Chris

I don't know. I saw her crying and so I helped.

Joan

When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should model.

Ben

...That never happened.

Tom

So Joan how is married life treating ya? Your husband still know he's the luckiest man in the world?

Joan

Santino and I are actually divorcing.

Tom

Oh...

Joan

It's actually quite liberating. I'm a woman with a strong sexual appetite. I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches.

Ben

That's a...powerful metaphor...

Tom

So Ben, tell us about Star Trek.

Ben

Well, they're making a sequel. [pause] I assume with the same alternate storyline, but if JJ Abrams and company expect us to believe that it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk, well let's just say the message boards are going nuts.

Joan

[drunkenly] You know what I wanna do? I wanna take you both home and [bleep] bend you both over and just[bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep] at the same time.

Tom

Once a year Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?

Donna

Clothes.

Tom

Treat Yo Self!

Donna

Fragrances.

Tom

Treat Yo Self!

Donna

Massages.

Tom

Treat Yo Self!

Donna

Mimosas.

Tom

Treat Yo Self!

Donna

Fine. Leather. Goods.

Tom

Treat Yo Self!

Donna

It's the best day of the year.

[singing] The Best Day Of The Year!

Donna

I really want this dress and I like this crystal beetle but it's expensive and there's no use for it.

Tom

Donna Meagle. Treat Yo Self.

Ben

...

Tom

Velvet slippys, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a cashmere, velvet candy cane.

Donna

Treat Yo Self!

Ben

...This is insane.

Tom

Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! This is a whole new level of nerd!

Ben

You're right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing?

Tom

Wait no no no no no! I mean that in a good way Ben! Listen to me. You're part of the Treat Yo Self team now okay!? If that costume somehow makes you happy, you're gonna buy it! You're gonna wear it out of the store. Okay? You're gonna Treat Yourself!

Ben

Yeah you know what? I'm gonna do that! I'm gonna treat myself. Thanks you guys. [starts crying] I really needed this. I'm gonna treat myself!

Donna

Uh oh. Batman's crying.

Leslie

[being interviewed] When you work in government, people often suspect that you're anti-business. So I'm throwing a little meet n greet with business owners and I've asked Tom's company to help. Here's my opening line: Hi, I'm Leslie Knope and I'm in the business of being city counselor.

Tom

Oh my God!

Leslie

I'm not going to use that.

Leslie

Hey! You stole the nipple king! Thanks a lot traitor!

Tom

I'm sorry I just needed to ask him about this one thing but we're all good now. What if I just introduce you for your speech?

Leslie

I have a better idea. Why don't you go over to one of your rugs and sit on your own face!?

Leslie

Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing?

Tom

An online dating site randomly paired us up, so as a joke I thought it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating. And then you kissed me as a joke to shut me up.

Leslie

But we never had any other romantic contact after that?

Tom

No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt.

Leslie

No it wouldn't!

Ann

Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city council again, Leslie. With our help.

April

April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media.

Tom

Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach.

Ann

Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator.

Andy

Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be.

Donna

Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz.

Jerry

Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I was supposed to come up with something. I...

Ron

Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need.

Leslie

Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on hold.

Ron

Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on hold.

Leslie

[choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an election!

Tom

Is there even enough room for everyone?

April

Here sit on my lap.

Tom

No that's humiliating! Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap?

Andy

No that's Champion's spot, he called it.

Ron

Tom we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap.

Tom

Yes sir.

Tom

Quick question about Ann. Does anybody know if she has any Indian in her?

Leslie

No one respond. No one say anything.

Tom

Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her.

Leslie

Silence.

Jerry

...I don't think she does-

Tom

Would she like some!?

Tom

I found a DJ for the dance and his name is DJ Bluntz.

Chris

[reading the flyer] Tom, this a publicly funded couple's dance. I don't think it's appropriate for people to be getting wet with sound.

Jerry

Leslie! I found a date for Ann!

Leslie

Jerry! Well done!

Jerry

I put an ad on Craigslist. "Man Seeking Man For A Night of Casual Fun." Enrico here responded right away!

I'll meet you inside okay?

Jerry

Okay! Thanks dude.

Tom

You hired a male escort.

Jerry

A what?

Leslie

Please get your gigolo out of here.

Jerry

[realizing his mistake] ...Oh my God...

Tom

Hey, Kris Kross, can we change up the music? It kinda sounds like the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself.

Chris

It is.

Tom

Listen man! There's some attractive women here! Why don't you rebound!?

Chris

Nobody here compares to Millicent. Except maybe Jerry. Technically, they share 50% of the same DNA. [starts staring longingly at Jerry]

Tom

Stop staring at Jerry like that!