Tom Haverford quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ron

[to Leslie] You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I lost my temper before. It's cause I was shot in the head by a moron.

Tom

Dude Ron I'm so sorry.

Ron

Apology not accepted moron.

Ron

Now that you're getting divorced, I sort of feel like there may be some potential with me and Wendy. Would it be okay with you if I asked her out once the fake dust settles?

Tom

Yeah. Why not? Sure.

Ron

Looking at her, I feel like she might be the perfect spooning size for me. I'm gonna take a leak.

Tom

...

Tom

Ronald, I've done it. I've found your assistant and he's dope. His name is Jean-Ralphio. Jean-Ralphio!

Jean-Ralphio

Big T! Mr. Swanson, two things: one, it is an absolute honor to meet you. Two, who is that hot intern chick out there? Because honestly, daaaaaaamn!

Ron

Uh, take a seat.

Jean-Ralphio

Right, here we go.

Ron

So Jean-Ralphio...

Jean-Ralphio

You got him right here. Leave a message after the beep.

Ron

Why do I want you as my assistant?

Jean-Ralphio

For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that's just for starters. I will work for you. I'll be on you 24/7. I'll be like your family. I'm here when you get here in the morning, sure enough, I'll be there tucking you into bed at night. Don't worry, it's not gay. Do we have questions?

Tom

I think our only question is when can you start?

Jean-Ralphio

Right now. Let's do it.

Ron

Thank you for coming in. We will talk.

Jean-Ralphio

Cool. I feel good about this. Hey, you know you can hit me up on Facebook anytime day or night, you know that right?

Tom

Take care, buddy.

Jean-Ralphio

Boom.

Tom

So what do you think of your new assistant?

Ron

I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.

Sorry what do I get out of this?

Tom

Connections. Plus 19 grand a year. Minus 10% Headhunters fee.

I have to pay you two grand if I get hired?

Tom

I have a job to offer. In the immortal words of Rob Blagojevich, "it's a [bleep] valuable thing. You don't just give it away for nothing."

Tom

Andy, I have a very interesting business proposal for you. I'm moving a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend...

Andy

[immediately] Can I help you move? I'm really good at it. Afterwards I take the cardboard from the boxes and I use it for breakdancing.

April

I'll go, too.

Tom

Really? 'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents.

Tom

Alright. See you guys later.

Andy

I think that that's really sweet that your grandparents still make love.

Tom

Can't believe these things are healthy.

Andy

It's not that crazy. Krackle Bars, also healthy and delicious.

Donna

No they're not.

Andy

Yeah they actually have rice in them so...

Donna

Oh Andy. You're fine but you're simple.

Tommy, I just want you to know I'm so grateful for everything you did for me, but I only see us as friends.

Tom

For now. But think how much better our friendship would be if we added...doin' it.

Tom

Okay! First come, first serve. Who's in!? Jerry?

Jerry

Oh jeeze Tom, if I spend any more than 25 bucks I gotta ask my wife.

Tom

Jerry get out.

Jean-Ralphio

What up, Big Teeeeeee...stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let's cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's threeway right here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes-Benz, which is gorgeous, or my pre-owned Acura Legend, which is alright. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin', bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy?

Donna

I'm out.

Tom

Why?!

Donna

I hate that guy.

Leslie

Eugene! Boy we have a really important job for you.

We'll get to it first thing Monday.

Leslie

Today's Wednesday...Look this is not a request.

Andy

We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.

Leslie

Office. I need your two best guys to join me and be a part of my task force.

That would be Harris and Brett...But they're not here.

Tom

Isn't that them there?

Nope.

Tom

Yo Brett!

Yo!

Dude!

Leslie

Listen that stupid possum is on the golf course again. Would you rather I capture it myself and just call you so you can come and pick it up?

Okay!

Andy

Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy. Act."

Tom

So you weren't thinking.

Andy

Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

Tom

This thing is a mess.

WE USED TO HAVE THREE CARS ACTUALLY. THE FIRST ONE GOT PUSHED INTO THE CREEK BY SOME KIDS. THE SECOND ONE RACCOONS GOT ONTO. THERE WAS URINE EVERYWHERE. AND THE THIRD ONE WAS RECENTLY STOLEN.

Tom

What’s this one?

THIS IS THE SECOND ONE. THE RACCOON PISS ONE.

Tom

Leslie! Go home. You're sick.

Leslie

I'm not sick. It's just allergies. Come on guys just let me in there!

Jerry

No you can't come in here. Leslie you look tired and you're all sweaty.

Leslie

You look tired and you're all sweaty all the time! What's your excuse?! You wanna go there Jerry!?

Jerry

...No.

Tom

I think I should drive you to the hospital.

Leslie

[In a British accent] Was I wearing a Tiara when I came in here? Because if you happen upon it will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send it post hence?

Tom

...

Leslie

Okay so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk toppings.

Andy

Sausage, onion and peppers. Scientifically proven to be the best toppings.

Leslie

Nice.

Ben

Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?

Tom

Wow don't be such a Jerry, Ben.

Leslie

Yeah Ben these guys are cops not ballerinas.