With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Danny Jones, David Gest, Dan Gillespie Sells, Jenni Falconer
[About surnames]
Danny, did they say "We're looking for celebrity Joneses"?
No.
Danny's surname is "from McFly".
[About David Gest's friend Michael Jackson]
Be nice to him.
BBill
Awwww, be nice to the baby-dangling freak....Sorry, sorry, it just slipped out.
[Laughter]
He didn't mean it, did he? He loves that child. He just wanted the people to see! And if he drops it...so? The fans need something!
David, you must have met Grace Jones. Or married her?
So far, Michael Jackson...should we keep going? I'm keeping count.
That's your type though, slightly unhinged gay icon, right? Have you met Grace Jones?
No.
Call yourself a starfucker?
I'm a big fan of Michael Jackson.
Not any more.
Why not?
'Cause you put him down.
No I didn't, it was that man over there.
[Bill waves]
I love Michael Jackson...and I hate babies, so...
[Talking about David's love life]
I'm seeing someone but I'm still ready to go.
What do you mean?
She's a business woman.
Oh, I see, a prostitute! [Laughter]...Sometimes I'm so ashamed of what I say.
[About a naked picture of Danny]
I'm not happy about it, Danny. When did the music of McFly become about cupping your testicles in front of whooping homosexuals?
[Later]
Haven't you got another picture of me?
[After playing medieval instruments]
I've never played things like that before.
Instruments.
So I was in the cinema two weeks ago. Chris Martin from Coldplay walks past me and says, "Hey, you're a cool guy". I said, [In a high pitched voice] "You're cool!"... I felt like he was going to turn around and say, "I've misjudged you...".
I forgot to say, as it's a Christmas special, for every song you don't get right, an orphan gets beaten. Merry Christmas!
[lighting a Menorah] I'm just lighting candles for the baby Jesus.
[mocking] Your people killed him.
[Laughter]
I don't mean your mum and dad, I mean, because that would be terrible and I would think they would have told you by now.
I have no regrets, he deserved it.
Merry Christmas everybody!
I have no clue what you've been playing.
Drum.
SASimon Amstell
I forgot to tell you we've had a letter in the Daily Express! I'm very proud of this: "Why are so many BBC comedies unwatchable? Catherine Tate is full of swearing, and Never Mind The Buzzcocks contains gay filth!"
[Audience cheers]
[Bill and Phill shake Simon's hand]
Well, done. Congratulations.
BBill
Congratulations on the gay filth!
Come on people, it's fucking Christmas!
[About Jamelia]
There seemed to be slight disbelief when I said she went to hospital for laughing to much. People were thinking, "On this show?!" Yes, on this show! I'll give you all hernias!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.