Simon quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Simon

All there silly jokes that we doing about, oh, you should get a job, I mean... why should you have a job! It's ridiculous!

Oh, stupid me, getting a job!

Simon

I mean, what do they want you to do?

I don't know!

Simon

Achieve something?!? Bastards!

It's just so stupid!

Simon

Not everyone can do what you do. You have a, eh, individual talent... when did you first realize that you had what it took to be Rod Stewart's daughter?

Simon

By the way, David Cross is a big American star. (to David) We were worried you wouldn't know what the hell anyone is talking about, I've written out some pop facts for you (hands David some cards) just so you can use them and if you need them at any point, then they're there.

Okay... (reading from a card) "Mis-Teeq's Sabrina has the middle name Frederica!" (to the audience) It's true! It's really true!

You know what? This is kind of weird... (reading from a card) "Kavarna thinks that Italy is the most romantic country in the world, and he would love to live there one day!" People are weird.

Simon

(whispers to David) Kavana.

Kavana is what... (audience laughter and applause) Kavana is what he refers to himself... in public... but those who truly know him, like myself...

Simon

Don't worry, Ryan, it's alright. You look a bit upset. Don't worry about it.

Here, read that to yourself. (hands Ryan one of his cards)

(reading from the card) "Sinéad from B*Witched says the most nervewracking thing she's ever done is sit a piano exam."

Simon

Do you feel better now?

...I do actually.

Simon

[sadly] Everyone knows Courtney Love apart from me.

Noel

She'd crush you like a Twiglet.

Simon

She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide. [Noel looks shocked while an on-screen disclaimer reads "Simon Amstell is definitely wrong."] I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm saying; I saw a documentary, I dont know what I'm saying.

Simon

The recent Ian Curtis biopic Control was shot in gritty black and white, much like Richard Fleeshman's new video. Only time will tell who the real troubled genius is... (stifled audience laughter. Simon checks his watch.)

Noel

Honestly, if you diss him (points at Richard) one more time... I'll slash you up.

And I'm gonna watch!

Noel

I'm gonna give you a Chinese burn and Kristen's gonna pour...

Simon

Pot Noodle on me?! Yeah, go on!

Noel

Cream soda this time.

Simon

And then some dragons are gonna fly in and put bubbles in my head? Is that how it works? You just say funny words and it works, does it? You just throw out weird words, hippopotamus and juggling. Is that what you do? Is that what happens? Anyone can do that! I've got fact based jokes!

Noel

Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow!

Simon

With a pair of scissors made of glitter?

Noel

(matter-of-factly) No, with a motorbike made of jealousy!

Simon

"I think I'd better leave right now..."

"...before I fall any deeper."

Simon

Correct, Will Young. I prefer the, uh, Fleeshman version.

If you must know, I did Evergreen. Do your research! Lamarr would've done it. (audience laughter, applause and cheering. Simon laughs. The time-up sting plays.)

Simon

Lamarr wouldn't have done any more research than I did!

Simon

Right! (to Noel's team) You've got sixteen points. (to Phill's team) You've got five points, you need eleven to win.

How many cards are there? Count them now.

Simon

(counts cards) ...nine.

Right...

Simon

Now before we go any further, Mark Ronson, what did you do to Amy Winehouse? I met her before she met you, and all she ever dabbled with was a bit of jazz and boogie-woogie. Now, there's trumpets and drugs all over the place, it stinks of Ronson! That's all I'm saying.

I think trumpets and drugs have always gone hand-in-hand, it's nothing to do with me.

Drugs and trumpets always go...? Only someone with a big nose would snort cocaine through a trumpet! (under audience laughter and applause) That is a lot of suction!

Simon

If we can get back to Amy for just a moment, could you tell us if she's okay? Is everything all right?

I haven't really... I haven't really spoke to her...

Simon

Oh, you just leave her in a ditch after you've done with her? Is that what happens?

"Here's your album, call me next year." No.

Simon

I think we all believe she'll be all right. She'll be all right, right? Let's get back to the comedy show!

Phill

(to camera) Amy, this is your television! We love you!

(to camera) Come back to us, Amy!

Phill

(to camera) Amy! Put it down! Put it down, Amy! (starts gesturing to the camera)

(to camera, holding up a mug) Look, tea! Cup of tea! Piece of toast! Don't leave us with Dido!

(reading from cue card) I hear that Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine has been linked to Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.

Simon

(looking though a window in the style of Hear'Say It's Saturday comedy wall) So's Hepatitis C, but it doesn't go on about it!

Simon

Erm, for legal reasons I should point out that neither Britney nor Lindsay have Hepatitis C.

Simon

Antony, it is lovely to have you here.

Thanks, Si.

Simon

I'm a big fan of Blue.

No, you're not. (audience laughter)

Simon

I tried my best, I had a good go there!

We was scared of you when we was in the band.

Simon

Really?

Yeah, you used to take the mick proper.

Simon

I didn't try to take the piss out of Blue, you just came on and said very stupid things... (audience laughter) ...I was mainly reacting. You of course, like Paul McCartney, were part of a supergroup... What would you say were the main differences between The Beatles and Blue?

They could sing! They were talented, we weren't!

Simon

Of course, The Beatles played and wrote their own music, but Blue didn't bother with such gimmicks.

No, we wrote our own stuff!

Simon

Go on, which bits did you write?

"And". (audience laughter) "The".

All the little words.

Nah, we wrote our own stuff, if you look at our albums, we did.

Simon

Yeah, but that's, come on... (audience laughter) Come on.

Simon, this is awful, you're evil!

Simon

I'm not evil!

This is supposed to be the new positive approach!

(to Antony) If you were Sting he wouldn't do that...

Simon

We couldn't get Sting...

That's what I mean!

Simon

We couldn't even get Lee! (audience laughter) I think tonight it would be good to sort of set the record straight on Antony's part in the band, because it was generally assumed in the past that Lee and Simon were the talents, Duncan was quite good looking, and Antony had a PlayStation... You're my favourite.

No I'm not!

Simon

No, I don't think I liked any of you!

Have you met my girlfriend?

Simon

Is she nice?

You would remember her.

Simon

Oh really? Is she quite a looker?

She's..18-foot..high..

She's got these crazy eyes.

Phill

9 of 'em.

Oh this is the right time to ask.

Doesn't he, Billy Bragg, doing some jail charity at the moment or something?

Simon

Guitars for people in jail.

Musical instruments..-

Phill

Banjos for paedos.

Yeah that's it. Bongos for psychos! We do a homeless one as well; AMPS for tramps!

Simon

Y'know with the environment and everything.. maybe it seems like a waste of paper and people should just use the internet. Seems like the only person who's benefitting out the Yellow Pages is you, James Nesbitt. And possibly Geoff Capes at his dinner parties. [acts as if he's ripping the Yellow Pages]

Simon

Anyway, we're not just gonna go on about the Yellow Pages. I apologize.

They're still very very good to me.

Simon

I still use one, I've got one.

You still use the Yellow Pages?

Yeah I sit on it 'cos I'm abit short.[pulls out the Yellow Pages] I find it very useful.

Simon

They had a fight in Glastonbury, what happened?

Well issit they're...um... that they're both renowned...ah...sort of socialistic...ah....they ah...political...um...issit the-..ah...did Billy Bragg....

Simon

James. I don't mean to be rude..if there's anyway that you could talk abit quicker. I mean it's good in gritty dramas.

Sorry. Well issit that Billy Bragg is well-known..ah....aaah....aah.... [on purpose]

Simon

[pretends to be on the phone] I...need...a..hairdresser...I've cut..a child's...[looks at James and drops the Yellow Pages] We're not just gonna go on. Sorry, we're not just go on about the Yellow Pages.