[In the machine keeping it alive, Jan's head is wrapped in cloth resembling a wimple]
CCrow
They saved Sister Bertrille's brain!
S5The Brain That Wouldn't Die
S5Teen-Age Strangler
[Reading the title card]
Is this love, or is it just rough sex with Michael Douglas?
[Inside the college dorm room]
So... Where's Waldo?
He's under the bed.
[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]
CCrow
Geez! How many times was she held back?
Heh heh heh.
LLiz
Hi, Peg!
[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]
MAMike [as Peg]
Hi, Mom.
PPeg
I think I'll send a telegram instead.
LLiz
Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something.
MAMike [as Liz]
Well, I've known her for fifty years…
LLiz
Honestly, Peg -- I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other.
PPeg
Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is!
MAMike [as Peg]
He's anatomically correct, and everything!
PPeg
It's the real thing.
LLiz
I remember when I first felt that way about Andy.
SAServo [as Liz]
...at the turn of the century.
[The short is ending.]
How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey?
Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?
How can you tell? Is this love?
CCrow
You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now.
[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]
And, now stay tuned for the Clarance Thomas-Anita Hill hearing.
CCrow
No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie.
[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]
"How Much Affection?"
CCrow
"When Should I Marry?"
[Mike and the bots continue with fake titles.]
"Know Your Ointments"
"What's That Down There?"
CCrow
"When He Wants It Rough"
"Procreation, Not Recreation"
"Oh No, Pleasure!"
CCrow
"McClintock!"
Teen-Age Strangler (movie)
[As a girl is strangled]
CCrow
Splendor in the Grass 2: Dream Warrior!
S5The Wild Wild World of Batwoman
[Reading the opening cards]
Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job.
CCrow
A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating!
[The short opens over a large clock.]
SAServo [as radio announcer]
The Jack Benny Program!
[The clock strikes ominously.]
[deeply] Ebenezer Scrooge...
[A phone rings.]
CCrow
For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA.
[John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]
Oh, the foley guy must be calling!
Why don't they call?
CCrow
Because they don't like you.
CCrow
Mother Teresa called. She hates you.
MMary
The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it?
CACrow [as John]
Aw, let's just cheat!
JJohn
x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... [Mary shakes her head]
SAServo [as Mary]
Nobody home, huh?
JJohn
Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you...
MAMike [as Mary]
John, this is geography!
And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed.
CCrow
Split it open now!
You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach.
On a doily.
So you decided to take a chance.
[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder.]
SAServo [as Johnny]
[loudly] Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer?
[Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]
MAMike [as Narrator]
Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews.
[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]
SAServo [as Miss Grandy]
This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.