[In the operating room...]
BSBill's Father
I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in.
SAServo [as Bill's Father]
'Cuz he got me as his doctor.
“The Brain That Wouldn't Die” · Season 5
In this episode: Tom Servo (11), Crow T. Robot (8), Mike Nelson (5), Bill Dudley (1)
[Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]
BBill
You have the keys to your car?
[Cut to them driving.]
CCrow
The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car.
SAServo [as announcer]
The Long, Long Trailer!
[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]
Hey, that was my prom theme!
SAServo [as Cortner]
Stop sign, what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve?
[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]
CACrow [as Cortner]
Aughhh! The road is attacking me!
[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]
SAServo [as Jan]
[muffled] D-Don't forget my purse! Honey?
. . .
SAServo [as Jan]
[muffled] You just had to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a body anymore! Are you happy?
. . .
[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]
MAMike [as Sports Announcer]
Riggins is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him!
CCrow
He's either gonna win the Nobel Prize or the Heisman Trophy.
[Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]
CWCrow [with British accent]
Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much!
[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]
MAMike [as Cortner]
Well, she can't have a cardboard body. I've ruled that out.
CACrow [as Cortner]
[pervertedly] Saaay, this could actually be an upgrade...
SAServo [as Cortner]
Well, it's nice and all, but I want something sleazy.
[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a greasy spoon), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]
If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's.
. . .
SAServo [as Maître d']
Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe.
[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]
CCrow
Doesn't she need lungs?
No, she's got neck juice!
[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]
CACrow [as Jan]
Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person!
[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]
JJan
Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me.
Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me!
[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtack continues the porny sax music.]
SAServo [as Radio DJ]
[sultrily] It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, Holmes and Reems in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads.
[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]
MAMike [as Announcer]
Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!
SAServo [as Cortner]
I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!!
[Cortner emerges from his vehicle, to yet another reprise of the saxophone music.]
MAMike [as Radio DJ]
Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN!
[echoing, hushed] K-PORN!
[The monster, having escaped the closet earlier, bites out a chunk of Cortner's neck and quickly spits it out.]
SAServo [as Monster]
That's one nasty McNugget! Ew!
[In the machine keeping it alive, Jan's head is wrapped in cloth resembling a wimple]
CCrow
They saved Sister Bertrille's brain!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.